To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

But that's my point why do you believe she has to be polite or even civil at events or in the playground? She's well out of your way mingling around - she's not being rude she's just choosing not to engage

Because that's what decent, polite humans do when someone else acknowledges them.

My first post here was to quote you. The only time I have directly addressed you.
My next response was to Gloriia who had quoted part of my response to you.
Other PPs picked up on the same (and subsequent) post(s) from Gloriia.

I replied to 3 or 4 PPs. This is a discussion forum. Lots of other posters have engaged in the discussion and responded multiple times.
My 7 (now 8) posts is hardly an excessive input.
And I haven’t criticised you in my responses. I hypothesised a bit and interpreted the other mum’s actions based on the information you provided but I haven’t criticised you. You seem to have taken my ‘ifs’ and ‘perhaps’ very personally.
Perhaps you’re an overthinker by nature, and you are overthinking the situation with this mum.
Re-reading my own posts, I made more suggestions about the other mum’s behaviour, than about you.

I haven’t read anything you’ve written about this woman that suggests she has been outright rude to you. Politely declining 3 invites and being cordial when you spoke to her is not rude. You are starting to sound very sensitive and defensive, picking up on PP who think YABU.
You do see this on MN – ‘I don’t like what you’re saying so please get off my thread’.
People are allowed to disagree with you online, and you must expect a bit of challenge on an anonymous forum, and people are allowed to dislike you in real life, and it doesn’t mean they’re rude, disrespectful, socially inept etc.

You’re the one who said this situation has made you feel sad. You see it as rejection. Yet now, apparently, it’s about the manners of this woman and, actually, you’re not taking it personally because you don’t want to be friends with her, really, it’s your son you’re sad for.

FWIW I think correcting someone’s grammar in a sneery way and hoping a poster gets banned for challenging you is downright rude.

With regards to your last 2 lines no it does not have to be anything you or your son have done, but I don't know why you need to think she is 'socially inept'

you are pushing your issues on to her even though she may not be aware, She may have no issues at all and just plain does not like you

Not everyone does but to put issues onto another person seems really odd, and as harsh as this sounds this to me makes me think you have issues yourself to do so

But there has to come a point where people need to stop trying too hard

Other posters on this thread described her behaviour as "socially inept" based on her behaviour in social situations I was just agreeing

Only speaking for myself but something seems a little odd with hearing one person's details of a person and other people 'diagnosing' a label of someone they have never met, same as it would be odd if someone 'diagnosed' you with just seeing what posts you make on here? would that be accurate about you if someone did that?

I think posters meant more for me to change my mindset, rather than being sad something is wrong with me look at it like she's socially inept and unable to have basic manners with another parent in the class. It's not about being accurate or diagnosing someone, its providing advice, reassurance or support for someone reaching out in a forum like this

Not liking someone, not wanting to chat, not seeking out someone's company and avoiding one specific person does not make someone socially inept. It makes them an adult with agency.

It doesn't really matter what this woman's reasons are. She clearly has them and is free to make her own choices about who she speaks to.

That’s exactly right op.

These things are much more often to do with the person themselves.

It may “ involve” you to the extent that she has hopes for her Dc to be best mates with Cool Mike not your Dc or something, but that in itself is a her issue.

There are many reasons and actually given she doesn’t know much about you, the chances that it’s you or your Dc are probably less than the chances it’s something else.

But even if it is something about you - and it may be that she thinks her Dc is naughty with yours etc etc - it doesn’t mean she is right about that.

I have been a bit stand-offish with a couple of mums because I felt my Dc were being “pushed” into friendships that were excluding their other friends. However even then, I’d have managed a wave and friendly smile, perhaps mouthed or said “ hi.”

I think this woman does sound a bit rude.

You can only tell yourself your conscience is clear. And don’t turn rude yourself or you’ll only justify her behaviour! Quick perfunctory smile and hi, keep moving does the trick!

Yes but when it involves our dc and their friends you step up a bit, you fake it.

Just smile and accept play invites if it's what your dc would like.

You can do as you like with your own social like but inconveniently when you have kids they come first not whether you like the look of someone.

Yep that's exactly how I meant it.

It's not a diagnosis as 'to be socially inept' is not a medical condition - it's a description and means, 'lacks skill' or 'clumsy'. Hardly the insult being made out.

@Renabrook to me going off the posts the woman does lack skill. It shows a lack of maturity if you're default is to blank someone/avoid eye contact etc because you're scared they may ask for another playdate for their child. It's the type of behaviour you might expect from a teenager not an adult who should have the manners, the understanding of their impact and the confidence to be able to remain friendly while also declining a social engagement she doesn't feel right for her.

Essentially it boils down to something quite simple - the OP has a child that really wants to play with another child outside of school. As parents we want to meet these requests from our child because we know how important they are to them. It can make you feel like you've failed your child for not being 'likeable enough' with another parent and in this case it's compounded by the other parent rejecting the OP even to the extent of not showing basic level kindness/politeness (exchanging chit chat/smiling/saying hello) while remaining friendly with other parents.

The OP has internalised all this as all her fault hence feeling sad.

There are many views and other perspectives some harder hitting than others but useful all the same for the OP to help view the situation differently and change her mindset.

But other views have been so unhelpful and have twisted the original post to such ridiculous proportions it's been simply a game to ignite argument, conflict and attack the OP. People do come to this forum for sport and it's very clear who those individuals are.

For me, it shows a lack of maturity if a person's default is to blank someone for something as banal as asking for a playdate - it suggests they don't have the social skills to navigate this situation in a more constructive less antagonistic/hurtful way.

So I stand by my perspective that the woman is being socially inept.

Deleted

My friend keeps talking to me about a similar issue she’s having. One of the other mums doesn’t want to hang out with her. I said to my friend that there are several kids and therefore several parents in the class group, and you’re going to click with some and not with others.
In my DD’s class I’ve clicked with some, and the others are perfectly nice, just not my kind of people. That’s just how it is.

Also in my friend’s case, her DD is an absolute loose cannon, very badly behaved. I’m not saying this is the case for you, but always something to consider. I arrange to meet my friend and her DD at a soft play centre because I don’t want her child destroying my house.

Welcome to the world of playground parents. This is what happens sadly. You will have the gossips the think they are above the rest group the ones who will blank you one minute and then be friendly the next. Move on and don’t give it another thought. If you haven’t watched motherland then I would strongly recommended it. That’s what schools are like.

There can be cliques, I’ve experienced that and wasn’t included with my 3rd child’s class group .
In fact they “ forgot “ to invite me to a full class mum Christmas evening out but remembered the following year possibly because someone else was organising it .
There was a queen bee 🐝 type so maybe it was down to her ?
My oldest daughter’s first year at school it was very inclusive no one was cliquey at all , really lovely bunch of mums .

Can you not just invite the kid over to play without having to socialise with the mum? When my kids were little it wasn’t the done thing to go on play dates with your kids. From stuff I’ve read on here that seems to have changed and parents almost want to view the families and homes of their children’s friends before allowing them to go alone, but they’re coming to the end of year one now so surely it’s time?

id always rather just have the kid. Who wants to sit there making small talk with a parent you barely know or like.

She's made it clear she doesn't want to be friendly, so let her be.

You kids can be school friends, see each other at parties and the playground.

No need to try and understand her.

She probably doesn't want her kid playing with yours, for whatever reason. It does happen, sorry OP. I've done this myself to another mum. It felt bad because she was nice, but her kid said mean things to my kid and her husband gave me weird vibes so I just decided that I didn't want play dates. Whenever I was at an event and talked to her she's mention meeting up, so I started purposefully avoiding her. Not nice, but my DC comes first - and the alternative was to say "I don't like your 5 year old" which seems to cross a line!

Unfortunately you'll probably get told there must be something wrong with you or your child whereas the truth is it's the other mother that's behaving oddly and selfishly not willing to support her child's friendships. You are yet to discover all the mums who will only have their child with the children of the people she wants to socialise with and those who simply don't care (you'll find her engineering other friendships though). It's control freakery and a red flag.

Yes and they want to see if they want to be friends with the parents. And then we are surprised at 18 year olds unable to wipe own snot and never moving out.

It's the parents of the worst behaved, meaner kids that are judgemental of other kids behaviour. Apple and tree and all of that.
She's a big red flag that woman.

This could be me ( the other mum ). I really hate it when mums don’t take the hint that I don’t want to talk to them, for whatever reason.

read the room. Blank her back ! I’m usually friendly with most people, but if I notice that it’s just not coming, I leave it. I don’t seek them out. You just need to ignore her entirely, unless she’s talking to you or you’re in a group and you need to talk to her.

there are a couple of mums at school I don’t like and I hate seeing them around. One has got the hint, the other one is always trying and I’m just not interested.

on the flip side, I noticed it with other mums and me as well and I just mirror them. Not everyone wants to talk every day to everyone. Sometimes people are in a mood etc. Read the room ! Hold your head high and continue, don’t give her another thought. Even if it is personal, so what ! You know who you are, not everyone has to like you.

Why do you not like them?

I was so happy when my children left primary school ( I was expecting to be heartbroken)
The experience for me was a total disappointment
I tried far too hard to get on with women who I had zero in common with just because my kids and thier kids were freinds. I was far too smiley and needy
In hindsight I would have minded my own business , kept my dignity , self respect and esteem, held my head high and ignored the F*ing lot