To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

I think this “ why should I!” attitude gets taken way too far these days.

Yes it’s good society has loosened a little - particularly in expectations of women.

But taken too far society just becomes totally uncivilised and self-centred. That might sound like a good idea when you’re on the give side, but it’s pretty bleak on the get. A world of selfishness untrammelled by basic decency isn’t a great outcome for anyone in the long run.

Children can be friends without their parents being friends though.

Relying on other parents at school for childcare or pick ups is something that gets thrown around a lot on here. Most of us have arranged childcare and have contingencies in place if the plans fall through.

Yes you can be a bit sad but I think you're giving it too much head space. School playground politics is grim at times. Smile, be polite to everyone else and keep your distance from her.

You went over to say hello when she was trying to avoid you. You're being too pushy. Either ignore her for a bit or just nod, wave if you must.

NU to feel sad, VVU to keep pushing.

'Relying on other parents at school for childcare or pick ups is something that gets thrown around a lot on here. Most of us have arranged childcare and have contingencies in place if the plans fall through.'

Oh I agree. However knowing a parent well enough to ask if they can collect a child in an emergency is also a good contingency plan to have.

I think this is key 'ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco'.

Going forward best to offer to have the child, and tell the mum they're welcome to come if they want. It's a kids playdate, not a coffee with a friend. You're mixing the two up which is super easy to do. I wouldn't invite the child again, or if I did it would be 'happy to have Bobbie for a play date afterschool. I can take him direct, if that works for you could you then pick him up at 6:00?'. If she agrees to that be polite at pick up but don't offer coffee/wine etc. You're facilitating your child's friendships, not yours.

I've been there! Walking to nursery every morning with a woman I couldn't stand. Dreading her knock on the door. As I said in a previous post, it was totally draining and I was so hugely relieved when nursery ended.
I stuck it out for the sake of my son. I sometimes think i should have been selfish, because I started dreading the mornings.
If it was primary school I would've put my self-centred head on, to preserve my own sanity.
I'd rather a wee bit of uncivilised friction, which can help cut through superficial bullshit, than blanket kindness, which can cover-up & allow tension & unresolved issues to brew.

I think it says more about her. She sounds judgmental or jealous and completely lacking in manners. I’m always nice and friendly to everyone, so wouldn’t need to act differently - it is much more difficult to go out of your way to be rude. I would always smile and say hi walking past. Don’t seek her out. Be friendly with other mums, grow your son’s circle elsewhere.
I have encountered people like this. You can’t control other people, only yourself. I always make eye contact and smile. They know deep down it’s them who is unreasonable and you know what? Everyone else will see it too.

Or if you want to be petty… does dad ever do drop off?

OP, I understand that you feel rejected and hurt. However, you do seem to have come to the conclusion that this person doesn't even want to have even a surface level friendship with you. That realization should be the end of you trying anything with her, even eye contact. You've one your part. Now let it go. It has become the norm these days to claim that people don't have the "bandwidth" for additional relationships even at acquaintance levels. If you are a nice and decent person, then it's their loss and not yours. Move on to people who do respond.

I generally used to invite the child for a playdate, but not the mum specifically. I'd say Lisa (my child) would like Lucy over for a playdate and give a time and date.

The same would happen when my daughter was invited over. I didn't go, I just dropped and picked.

There were some mums that I knew I'd have very little in common with, so it would be uncomfortable spending one on one time with them. There were others that were more my kind of person and I'm still friends with. My kids are in their 20s now.

If it's just for the kids, another thing I did, was make a playdate invitation for and give the child to take home. Maybe you can try that, as she seems to be avoiding you.

She may just think you're not her kind of person and wants to avoid a one to one setting. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or her.

Thank you for all the responses, making my way through.
Just to clarify I dont feel im bombarding someone. I messaged her about the park and she said it sounded lovely but they were busy and to let them know next time we're going. A few months later I mentioned I was taking DS after school if they were free, she apologised that they had to collect other child and next time. Then about 6 months later I asked her if she was going to the end of year event as I was taking DS and she said they already had plans.

I did not cross the pitch at the sports event to speak to her. People are walking around the outside getting coffee and chatting, I was following my younger toddler trying to keep them distracted and walked past were she was sitting and said a quick hello to her and a few others.

I'm not expecting friendship like some people are stating, just basic civility as our boys are both keen friends and enjoy playing together.

As people have stated I will view it as she is socially inept rather than something wrong with me or my son and leave it at that

Thank you, I think this sums it up perfectly.
Im not looking to be friends but more don't understand the rudeness from this woman and feel sad as it'll be harder on DS as he is keen to have playdates with this child

Sometimes, it’s nothing at all to do with you, and might be everything to do with them, especially if, as you say, her kid is quite badly behaved.
We had a similar situation, and I felt really upset about it - but my husband reckoned the mum was actually embarrassed by her own kid - who could be pretty punchy - so kept him on a very tight rein so didn’t socialise with us and didn’t let our kids see each other out of school. Her behaviour really bothered me, i took it personally and can see why you’re upset, but it may be a reflection of something going on with her, rather than anything at all to do with you or your child.

The one thing I learnt when children were small is that there are some awfully weird people in the world and school is where you meet them and it is hard to avoid them.

I went out of my way to meet and help a new mum joining the school. We got on on well at school gates but over time she just started to blank me and and eventually I felt like she was saying nasty things about me to other mums. I barely knew her. Our sons got on but not best friends but I was always friendly to them all. To this day, many years later and kids have long since left, I still don’t know why she went from being friendly to not.

sometimes you just have to shrug these things off and stick to the people you do get on with. I always found the playground dynamics hard.

Life is hard; there’s so little time for working parents to juggle kids and jobs and hobbies and domestic stuff and family and everything else in between. It is very hard to fit in socialising with actual friends, let alone play dates. Someone can be perfectly nice and friendly and just not have the band width to cultivate a new friendship; it can then feel socially awkward if having to bat off several advances when the desire to connect isn’t reciprocated. It doesn’t need to feel personal or unpleasant.

It may well be that their child has said they don’t want to play, you have no idea. But I think it’s a reach to expect the parent to behave in a certain way. She doesn’t have to be actively friendly, she doesn’t owe you anything. Who knows what is going on for her. Making assumptions about what can of person she is or being offended by it is on you.

Not everyone is going to click with us or like us.

This is very true op.

Well in fairness to you every morning is quite an imposition and does go far beyond normal civility so I think you have a point there.

But I am seeing a lot of “ why should I?” behaviour in circumstances where I think it is eroding basic standards of human kindness .

There was a thread a couple of weeks back where the mum of a young boy who had ( only) two good friends organised his party well in advance with the mum of one of those friends, even changing the activity to one that woman’s DD preferred. Shortly before the party, the girl got an invitation for a different party so just chose that instead. There were a handful of posters saying “ of course she can just do what she wants.Why should she go to his party if she doesn’t want to now?”

I do think the “ why should I have to?” attitude is a horse that has bolted a bit too wild and free with some people. It reminds me of the type of children growing up who used to be totally unreasonable when playing eg running off with the ball and refusing to share etc then saying: ”can’t make me.”

This comment and others I’ve read on the thread makes me so sad, I’m sorry you’ve felt like this. Someone else up thread said it’s like being back at school and I agree, it’s awful 😢
my son starts school in sept but I’ve actually already experienced some similar things e.g. I realised the other day that it’s only ever me who reaches out to other parents for play dates - we’re never contacted first 😔I’m an older mum and my son is an only child so I so want him to have friends and experiences with other children outside of nursery but, like you @Pandersmum i feel like I don’t fit in 😔

I agree. I AM socially inept (AuDHD, PTSD and generally a bit useless) but I wouldn’t ever knowingly freeze someone out unless they had actively done something to hurt me. I am more likely to notice someone on their own looking lost, because that’s been me so often. It’s not about having these legendary advanced social skills MN prizes so highly, it’s about basic human decency and not being an arsehole.

Does that mean they can't be polite?

I understand why you feel sad about it OP, but to echo what others have said I think you just need to accept that she doesn’t want to have more of a relationship with you than perhaps you would like - no excuse for rudeness though.

to give a different perspective, I like to think I get on well with most of the school mums and am friendly and approachable however have started to be a little less friendly with people I don’t know (obviously still acknowledge / say hello etc). Reason being is that one school mum who is clearly quite lonely started contacting me constantly after a few play dates, would guilt trip me for not having seen her, telling me she wanted me to go round and see her in the evenings, send several messages when i was working with follow up messages asking if i was okay if i didn’t reply within a few hours and call me in the evenings. It was exhausting to be honest and it’s made me more wary of any new friendships that might occur with other parents. Could possibly be something similar with this mum and she just doesn’t want to entertain any new friendships?

I was this other mum back when my son was in primary school. Another boy’s mum always seemed to make a beeline for me and I was always polite and friendly but I just didn’t want to be friends with her. I’m not big on friendships in general but this particular woman was not someone I would want to spend any more time with than I had to.

She started inviting me and DS to various things and in the end I just started avoiding her.

Why didnt you suggest she dropped her ds over to play but make it clear you'd drop him home later? Avoiding someone seems a bit unpleasant tbh.

School aged kids do not need their parents present when they play with their friends.