To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

Doesn’t the original OP state that she has got the message in her reply (if I’ve read it correctly) and had stopped asking the previous year. But the woman actively avoids her, excludes her at events, and happily chats to other mums?

While I agree with some of the posters on here that we can’t be friends with everyone, some of you showing that you are precisely the worst people at the gate.

Even if I didn’t like someone at the school, I would never not be pleasant, or say hello. It’s mean girl behaviour and should not be excused. You can actually be firm and say I don’t have time for x,y and z and still be a decent human being, it is possible.

As far as I can see she has been polite.
Op son is in Year 1
She last contacted the other mum at the end of reception -almost a year ago!

Op is sad that someone she last contacted 11 months ago isn't saying hi to her everyday or sitting with her with her at events.
It's very self absorbed tbh and Op seems to have escalated into a relationship that isn't there
If Op is always watching this woman she probably avoids eye contact for a reason

Let's just pretend this woman is nasty
Why then are you sad Op?
Surely if she's horrible then you have dodged a bullet?
This is always a bit of a giveaway on these threads that Op is needy

The mum likely has no idea whatsoever that she comes across as rude as OP probably isn’t on her radar (I don’t mean this unkindly).

OP says she walked around the other side of a pitch to sit with her friends..why is that rude? There is an assumption that she was ignoring OP when it seems she was just going to sit with her friends.

OP said hello to her, the mum politely responded with a hello.

On another occasion the mum spoke to a group of people sitting close to OP but didn’t include her in the conversation. Again, why should she?

I don’t know what I’m missing. How does any of this mean the mum is rejecting, freezing out or excluding the OP when they were never friends to begin with.

I always gravitated more to mum friends who's children I'd met either through toddler groups, hobby groups or their kids were in different years than mine at the school. I have a big thing about not wanting all eggs in one basket - like I wouldn't want to have a super close relationship with a neighbour or workmate because it's awkward if you fall out. Same if your kids fall out but you the mum's are still friends or vice versa.
All my best friends when I was young were kids I met independently of my mum. My mum used to invite her friends over with their (random to us) kids - and usually us kids would have little in common, sometimes there'd be fights - but the mum's would have a lovely time nattering over coffee, obliviously. My mum still waxes lyrical sometimes about how beautifully we all played on those times (?!) but that's because those playdates suited her! 😆
Just let your son find his own way and maybe look to make friends at a hobby group instead? Some of parents of classmates can be weirdly competitive. I may not have got on with some of my mum friend's if their kids had been in the same class as mine!

Gloriia, you seem fixated on the idea that the avoider is exclusively at fault, the one with the problem.
What about the idea that an unwanted friendship is unpleasant for the avoider, perhaps more unpleasant than a brief rejection for the avoidee?

I get it OP, it's hurtful and rude. I honestly don't know how anyone can justify that sort of behaviour. There is never any good excuse to blank somebody or ignore them. For those of you who think this is ' just ', please think again. If you have low self esteem, a background of trauma, or mental ill health, being ostracized/dismissed/ignored/blanked for utterly no reason, can be soul destroying. You never know what's going on in someone else's head or how they're trying to keep it together by a thread, and this type of behaviour can be the straw that broke the camels back. None of us ' owe' anyone our friendship, but we do owe others common decency and respect.

I've encountered people like the mum you are describing. Currently, my new next door neighbours behave this way. It makes it awkward to walk my dogs past their house if the woman is outside! I spoke to her the first day she was there, just pleasantries and a welcome, then they did some renovations and didn't move in for six months. They've now been there for a year and so it's been 1.5 years since that brief welcome chat, and if we ever cross paths she tries to pretend not to see me even if she is at the base of her front yard gardening! I told my husband, I am not looking to be friend, just friendly, and really, it is NOT normal in my opinion for this woman to try to pretend not to see me walk by with my dogs rather than give a simple wave, which is all I planned to do. And considering my dogs are usually barking, she fully well knows I'm right there!

I think the best way to feel better about this situation with your son's friend's mum is to remind yourself that this is really about her, not you. She is choosing to not be friendly for whatever reason, and you shouldn't take it personally.

For those that say the OP is needy or came on too strong, I don't agree. I think that as an adult, this other mum should be able to wave and smile or exchange a bit of light conversation with the intention of just being pleasant, nothing more. It's common courtesy.

For those that say the OP is needy or came on too strong, I don't agree. I think that as an adult, this other mum should be able to wave and smile or exchange a bit of light conversation with the intention of just being pleasant, nothing more. It's common courtesy

This would be absolutely exhausting!
The school run
hello/hi/morning x 30
Just in case someone is offended?
Seriously?
Most women are dashing in and off to work

This woman and the Op haven't had any text contact for 11 months and the Op is accusing her of ignoring her as if this woman is an old friend.
She watches her reaction on the school run and watches her at events
You know you arrive at the fete, spot your friends and pop over to sit with them- completely normal stuff
Meanwhile the Op is once again watching ...

If a person cannot muster enough decency to acknowledge another by saying hello, all because said person committed – what seems to be for some – the crime of inviting them and their child to a playdate at a time that was not convenient for them, then I don’t think it’s the OP who is ‘self-absorbed’. That description is very much misplaced.

Because I didn’t want to encourage her. In my case though my DS wasn’t keen on her son either.

YABU, whilst you want playdates and days out etc she obviously doesn't, some people don't like to have kids in their house and that kind of socialising with children all the time.

I don't know why this is concerning you, the children see eachother every day at school! They are friends and will continue to be friends regardless of any extra time together. If they are long term friends when they are older they can make their own arrangements for hanging out but I think your micro managing has really peed this woman off as it would me.

She is avoiding you obviously because you keep beating a dead horse and now she's gone off you entirely and can't even be friendly with you as you keep pestering her about playdates and meet ups.

Some people don't want the responsibility, don't have the time, have other commitments or just aren't comfortable with having kids in their house or their kids at others houses and that's fine.

Leave her be, she obviously doesn't feel comfortable explaining to you what the issue is nor does she have to.

I was laughing when I said I'd only said that to keep her out 🤣

The other Mum did say hello!

OP: " I've passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement."

Did she? Maybe she did as she fixed her eyes to the heavens to avoid the eyes of Medusa.

I had this! It’s a horrible feeling. I was totally ghosted by a mum I thought I was friendly with (not overly) and she never invited my DS to her house again. I figured my DS had done something to annoy her / her DS but it does hurt! I’m over it now - I say let them be, you can’t control other people and the way they handle things x

I work full time as does DH - we both still have time to say 'hello' and wave to people, much like I do when I arrive in work to colleagues....

This is a 'you' problem.

If you think saying 'hello' is exhausting....you must need to lay down alot.....

Yup. Even the painfully shy or chronically lazy ought to be able to
manage a smile and wave. 🙂👋

Maybe it’s just me but I didn’t think people were that bothered about befriending other school mums? I don’t get it - I already have friends thanks, felt the same with NCT when everyone said making friends was the best bit. And it’s exhausting keeping up with the ones I have!

You have my sympathies OP. I've had this happen to me and it is rotten. Like what others have said, I didn't want to make friends with these people, just to say hello. I've loads of my own friends.

I still see one of the mothers as our kids are in secondary but not as much thankfully and now I just say hi and keep walking. I've learnt to match her effort and it doesn't bother me anymore. It was rotten at the time though as a group of them used to stand chatting behind me and my daughter would come out and say (very loudly) why aren't you standing with the other mothers! Talk about making me feel crap!

It's not necessarily about making friends. I certainly don't need anymore. It's about basic manners expecially if the kids get on!

Does your DS have any other friends? I wonder if she thinks your DS leans on her son too much for friendship.

Her declines were pleasant enough, but the ignoring you, gives the impression she's avoiding the opportunity for you to ask her again.

On the whole, mums are open to chatting or playdates with their child's friends. She's avoiding this for a reason. Maybe she has other kids and is too busy. Or she may not feel her son needs these playdates.

Because by talking to everyone else except her is an act of exclusion. She doesn’t need to be friends, nor does she need to have play dates. But don’t you think that maybe at school events, or, on the school run a basic level of conversation/politeness is the decent thing to do?

You have misinterpreted what I meant.
Presumably there are 18-30 parents on the school run for each class.
Do PP really say hello to each and everyone of them?
Just to ensure no one is offended?

Of course I say morning to a couple of friends but everyone as I'm dashing in-no ?

MN always does this
Point out this is someone Op last texted a year ago and her expectations in thinking this woman will seek her out at events is ott and I must be an unsociable person.

This is an Op problem
Op seems to be watching this woman, who she last text a year ago
On the school run
At sports matches
At events
And assuming normal stuff like finding a spot to sit or sitting with friends is all about avoiding her specifically-not simply she had arranged to meet her friends as we all do.

As I said previously if this woman is a horrible person as inferred , why would someone with normal healthy self esteem be so invested with being their friend?
Surely you would read the room and find other friends

But she does speak to the other parents. The OP has said that. The OP hasn't described her as a loner who should be grateful for her friendliness because everyone else ignores her. The opposite in fact.

If it's just that she doesn't speak to the OP, this is OP specific.

What no one here knows is whether she's just taken a dislike to the OP for some reason or whether she is worried about being invited out again and feels uncomfortable turning her down again.

It's only my opinion but the fact the OP sought her out to say hello to her when this woman had very clearly ignored her suggests to me it's more likely to be the latter.

@gotmyknickersinatwist you are repeatedly responding to other posters criticising me and falsely assuming how ive behaved. You've said your piece several times and keep interjecting yourself to anyone who doesn't agree with your view on the situation. Im not finding your continued input helpful at this stage so no need to continue thanks!