‘You’re NOT allowed to get married again’.

[whataboot]

Somewhat lighthearted but when chatting to a friend a few months ago, she told me that if she was to die first she’d banned her husband from ever marrying again. At first I thought she was joking but no, she was dead (pardon the pun) serious. It turns out that when her mum died, she’d also told her dad that she couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying again either.

As far as I’m concerned, when I’m gone, I’m gone. Obviously I’d expect DH to have a suitably dignified mourning period and no shacking up with an immediate replacement but after that, well, I don’t think I have the right to deny anyone else happiness or a new relationship if that’s what they want.

But what about you? Have you had that conversation? Would you be bothered in this scenario? Or have you ‘banned’ your OH from ever seeking love post your demise?

You're very lucky you’ve never been a solo parent with a full time job, but they can have lives too and don’t have to be miserable.

Single parents with teenagers don’t have to sit at home twiddling their thumbs whilst their kids are out with their friends all the time.

i think, that unless you’ve walked the hard and lonely road of spousal bereavement, you shouldn't be telling anyone what to do. 🙄

This. @CloudywMeatballs your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Xx

Completely different if you are young.

I am 53, so feel pretty confident I won't remarry because, as a pp put it, I am too old, belligerent and my DC are grown. DH even older and more belligerent!

So glad you found happiness again. My close friend went through it and it beggars belief that anyone judges or begrudges a bereaved spouse from moving on and having a second chance at life, yet it doesn’t happen as it happened to her.

As long as the kids are safe and protected and their feelings are accounted for people can have a second relationship and have that person involved with the children too who can also have a great relationship with a step parent.

Im sorry for yours and @CloudywMeatballs losses.

As someone who is 36 and been with their husband for 22 years the thought of that fills me with dread!
I wouldn’t want a step parent for our child and I wouldn’t want another women having any entitlement to the savings we have put away for our daughter or our home!
If he wants a companion I can’t stop him I’ll be dead….here comes the cheesy part..but we are each others soulmates and I knew that from when I met him at 13 and together from when we were 14!

Do you really think spending your non-working time with your own child means you don't have a life and are miserable? My wife and I both love spending time with our daughter; I can't imagine that would suddenly change if one of us died.

Fair enough, I'm happy for my wife to go on dates when/if our daughter has other plans. I wouldn't, personally; I'd rather spend the time reading, but each to their own.

To be fair, being widowed young is a completely different kettle of fish from being widowed as a pensioner. It’s completely natural to want another relationship when you’ve got your life ahead of you.

We will have to agree to disagree, but having watched someone go through this as I mentioned up thread, yeah they got very lonely when the kids were busy despite taking up hobbies.

By the way, attempting to make me out to be a shit mum by suggesting that hanging out with my kids makes me miserable is laughable. I was a SAHM, I was with my DC 24/7 before working again. I stated it was when the kids had other things on and wanting to share that part of life.

Not sure if anyone’s already said this, but you can protect your half of the joint marital estate in your will. Basically the value of 50% of the estate is put into a trust which is to be inherited by the children. Surviving spouse gets to stay in the house or whatever, but on either their death or remarriage (you can choose), your 50 goes to the children.

I would never remarry and I have asked DH not to either.

I’m happy for him to move on if anything happens to me, I won’t be here to see it, but we have worked hard to build financial security for us & DDs and while it is absolutely true that he (or I) could protect our children’s inheritance using wills, the other risk to our hard earned wealth from a new spouse is divorce which I can’t see anyone else has mentioned.

You can’t stop the new marriage from breaking down & the new spouse taking a portion of what was yours/should be going to your kids.

I would never live with a man again, let alone remarry, as I’m yet to meet any woman whose mental load has been improved by moving in with a man.

By the way, attempting to make me out to be a shit mum by suggesting that hanging out with my kids makes me miserable is laughable.

I really didn't do this. I asked you if you really thought that, because I thought it likely that you didn't and that you just hadn't considered the logical conclusion of what you were saying. I know nothing about you and your mothering skills, or indeed whether you are even a mother, so I think you're being a bit quick to take offence there.

Yeah okay.

I wouldn’t really mind dh enjoying another relationship, if he wanted it, but since were both getting on a bit I do worry (a bit) about anyone unscrupulous getting her claws into him, them getting married and her then getting him to change his will in her favour (cutting out dds.).

I’ve mentioned it in a light sort of way, and he assures me he never would, and I do believe him, but I’ve known of a case of an elderly man with early dementia (as yet officially undiagnosed) where some gold-digging bitch did exactly this - took him abroad to marry him (relatives not informed) and got him to make over everything to her - and it was a substantial estate.

They contested it in court, but she was very clever and plausible, and she won.
The man died not long afterwards and the family suspect that since she was a former medical professional, she had known how to ‘help him on his way’.

I know lots of widows - mainly quite old now, but several were widowed young - and none has ever remarried. I don't know whether that's because no one suitable came along or whether they want to honour their husband's memory. But my neighbour, a relatively recent widower, has just announced he is engaged, and my dead friend's husband married within a year after her passing. Must look up the statistics for women and men remarrying. I bet the latter do it much more.

Here are the stats: By 25 months after the spouse's death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Personally, I'll be dead so I don't care, as long as DD's inheritance is secure.

We've had a conversation about who in the village we'd like to shag should the other die. Was enlightening to say the least!

My husband thinks the same. But it’s my relationship with my mum and to be honest I don’t really care what other people think - I’ve made my feelings clear and she’s free to do as she likes knowing that it would have an impact on our relationship.

Disagree - I’m allowed to tell my Mother that if she were to get into a romantic relationship in a way that I was aware of or she expected me to be involved in it would seriously damage our relationship. Why should I pretend otherwise? It’s the truth. It would hurt me greatly and I’d find it incredibly disrespectful to my Dad, and to me.

Nope! It’s really not - my Dad made sure all that was in trust for me and I really don’t need any more money, although I know my Mum would never leave money to anyone but me even if she did remarry.

This is purely about my Dad’s memory and our family unit - I would be devastated and heartbroken if she were to try and bring someone into it in any capacity. I think it’s disrespectful and would hurt me greatly.

It's her life though, not yours and she might one day consider that pleasing an adult child who sounds quite controlling is not a priority.

@Uricon2 I mean, yes, of course she could! And she’s more than able to do that - I’m not her jailer. But at least she knows what the impact of that would be, rather than me never saying it and then when she announces a new boyfriend turning round and saying how upset and horrified I am and how I don’t think I’ll be able to continue a relationship with her in the same way.

I think it would be worse to do that, and to be honest I’m not in the habit of suppressing my feelings just to keep everyone happy, it’s not healthy.

I’m getting a will done next week.

I was under the impression I can set it up so that if I die before OH, I can ring fence (might be the wrong word) their inheritance from me in case he remarries and then gets divorced, so she can’t claim the assets I leave behind?

That stat is telling. Women dont need men the way men need women.

How odd. I've told DH if something happens to me I would want and hope that he would find someone else, and to make sure they're a great stepmum for our child that would love him like her own and be a motherly figure. I know he would make a good choice in that regard. Obviously he's free to do what he wants when I'm gone, but I can't imagine begrudging a grieving widower and child the joy of moving forwards like that.