‘You’re NOT allowed to get married again’.

[whataboot]

Somewhat lighthearted but when chatting to a friend a few months ago, she told me that if she was to die first she’d banned her husband from ever marrying again. At first I thought she was joking but no, she was dead (pardon the pun) serious. It turns out that when her mum died, she’d also told her dad that she couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying again either.

As far as I’m concerned, when I’m gone, I’m gone. Obviously I’d expect DH to have a suitably dignified mourning period and no shacking up with an immediate replacement but after that, well, I don’t think I have the right to deny anyone else happiness or a new relationship if that’s what they want.

But what about you? Have you had that conversation? Would you be bothered in this scenario? Or have you ‘banned’ your OH from ever seeking love post your demise?

I wouldn't mind the idea of him having a girlfriend but I wouldn't want DH to remarry and would be most unhappy if he had any more children.

It would quite simply dilute the financial legacy that yes, we have worked together to give our children, but is not in a small part down to money from my side of the family (inheritance and gifts). Why any of that legacy should go to anyone other our children is beyond me and that would happen which would be absolutely outrageous.

My ex husband, I was his 2nd marriage, said he would never marry a third time, guess who is planning his 3rd marriage. He hasn't been single since he was 16 and he is 61 this year. First marriage met her when he was 16, me at 32. He was 50 when he met her and I think he will be married on his 61st birthday, he married his first wife on his 21st birthday?married me on his 36th birthday and will marry her on his 61st. He thinks his birthday is the best day ever cause he was born on a black Friday.

What if between you making that will and the children inheriting, your husband and his new wife sell the assets you owned together, and spend the money on holidays etc, and buy a new house. Do your children still get something?

My parents divorced and I think any money will go to the step siblings on either side. It is what it is, but I wouldn't want it for my children.

My husband's friend cared for his wife when she had terminal cancer.

Through no fault of his own, he subsequently lost his accommodation: he and his wife had lived in a tied cottage and had been promised that they could stay in it for life. The landlord went back on his promise.

His children didn't offer to let him move in with them. The local council offered him a scatter flat in the worst area in the region.

In the end, the lady he'd started to see said that he could move in with her and he accepted that offer. An adult grandchild wrote him a letter, informing him that he'd been disowned by his family.

One child did support the relationship. The rest of the family only came round once he received a terminal diagnosis himself. It's the cruellest situation I've ever heard of.

But you would prefer your mother to suppress her feelings in order to keep you happy, in such a hypothetical situation?

Of course you're not her jailer, but you've made it clear to her that you place your own feelings above hers.

I'd never get married again. I might have a 'living seperately' relationship (most likely would just get some more dogs/cats if anything happened to DH), but never get married. DH has agreed the same.

I've seen too many children fucked over inheritance wise by new partners. Even in good cases they often have admitted to feeling replaced, and uncomfortable visiting a parent because someone unrelated and not interested in them that much is there. As a woman I'd also be very wary of allowing an unrelated male access to my childrens home (or if I was older my grandchildren).

I'm sure there are the rare instances of everything being hunky dory, but I wouldn't bet my children and potential future grandchildren happiness and security on that.

Other people can make different choices, but remarriage/second families seems to be about what is best for the parent and makes them happy, not the dc.

In all honesty I cannot ever see myself wanting to enter any sort of relationship if my husband died - I'd just have dogs instead 😂 If I die he's free to do whatever he wishes, I'm not here, I won't care. All I ask though is that he puts our children first when entering into a new relationship and at least give them time to come to terms with losing me before introducing anyone else.

Regardless of setting up trusts etc to protect DC inheritance (which would limit DH ability to sell up and move as far as i can see) I'm still failing to see the benefit of marriage later in life over cohabitation.

I absolutely agree with the PPs statement that until it happens we don't know how we'd feel if widowed. I might have a second long term relationship. I might (I suspect most likely) have nothing to do with men and live surrounded by cats. I do know for certain that I would not remarry though. Marriage is not a Disney construct but a legal framework and I can't see how it could benefit me or my children in the future.

It wouldn’t prevent him moving at all. The Trustees, of which he would be one, can allow the sale and repurchase of a property. What he can’t do is extract the funds and blow it on Trish off OF’s

It depends whether you believe in an afterlife really, some people see marriage as a life-limited commitment and others see it as something that should last for eternity.

If a surviving partner is someone who believes in a Christian heaven then they wouldn't want to remarry for example. Think of the practicalities, if spouse #1 dies and you remarry spouse #2, what happens when the three of you end up in heaven a few years down the line? Does it become a three-way relationship? There's no guarantee #1 and #2 will even get along, how do you manage both of them?

If someone sees marriage as ending in the death of one partner, a mere contractual arrangement, then there isn't such a barrier to remarrying of course.

I can't recite chapter and verse, but there's a section in the New Testament where Jesus is asked about this and basically dismisses it as a concern.

So that's a mitigation of some risk I guess but I'm still not seeing any benefit to another marriage personally.

@Dotjones Found it.

It's in the Gospel of Mark.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2012&version=NIV

24 Jesus replied, “Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God? 25 When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

My friend died and her husband introduced someone to their kids (6 & 8) about 4/5 months later. He married her two years after his wife (my friend) died.

I didn't like it. I felt it was all too rushed. And disrespectful to my lovely friends memory - it was like she was quickly replaced. (Not that I would ever let on this to them).

Another friend thought it was totally okay - this is just something we agreed to disagree on.

Only if you are young enough to accrue further assets, but also to gain another Nil Rate BAnd for IHT!

otherwise, sod that 😂

This situation ish happened in my family the damaging of relationships. Widow desperate for a man married the first man who looked at her, despite warnings of how everyone felt about him. Well now he is all she has as every single person has cut her off because of him.

Saying that you can't marry again seems cruel to me.

I've no interest in finding another man, but - as I mentioned previously - my best friend's husband nursed her through her final illness and he was left as a widower in his late 40s. Should his devotion have been punished by being condemned to be on his own for the rest of his life?

He remarried in his 50s. Thankfully, his adult daughter was delighted for him.

A friends DH died suddenly just a year ago and she’s already out there dating. I feel it but bad for her dDH. They were together since uni and seemed devoted. I suspect she just can’t stand being alone.

I do feel that a year is rather fast, particularly when there are children.

My husband thinks the same. But it’s my relationship with my mum and to be honest I don’t really care what other people think - I’ve made my feelings clear and she’s free to do as she likes knowing that it would have an impact on our relationship.

Your poor mother. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have a child so arrogant and selfish that they would allow future happiness to impact a relationship simply because it's not what they would do.

It is said that the happier a marriage is the more likely the widow or widower is to have another relationship quickly.

I honestly don't think anyone knows what they would really do until they are in the position of being widowed and that is very much down to the individual. Of course there needs to be much caution and care if children, especially younger children are involved and protecting their inheritance (whatever age) as the late spouse would have wished is important. Beyond that, trying to control/judging what a grown adult should do with their lives is wrong.

I'm sure some widowed people go into marriages that don't work out, but that could be said of an awful lot of relationships. I'm also pretty sure some posters would have no issue with eg a parent remarrying after divorce, but think that's wrong if someone had their marriage end in the death of a spouse, through no action or desire of their own and I do think that's selfish and judgemental.

ETA same applies to partners. It isn't fair to insist (even hypothetically) on a course of action you really have no idea that you'd follow forever yourself.

I think men marry again quicker than women when widowed. My mum was widowed young and never bothered with 'all that dating stuff' again. I'd be more like her I think.

My DH would be snapped up pretty quickly - weeks if not days - I'm only half joking and only half joking that it would probably be his ex (of 20 years) wife....she'd be in like Flynn.

I've been married twice and both husbands have the same first name - I call them Previous Dave and Current Dave. This also allows for there to be a Future Dave if needed

no way

been married nearly 40 years, I would never go with another man ever and I HATE the thought of DH with anyone else and he says the same