‘You’re NOT allowed to get married again’.

[whataboot]

Somewhat lighthearted but when chatting to a friend a few months ago, she told me that if she was to die first she’d banned her husband from ever marrying again. At first I thought she was joking but no, she was dead (pardon the pun) serious. It turns out that when her mum died, she’d also told her dad that she couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying again either.

As far as I’m concerned, when I’m gone, I’m gone. Obviously I’d expect DH to have a suitably dignified mourning period and no shacking up with an immediate replacement but after that, well, I don’t think I have the right to deny anyone else happiness or a new relationship if that’s what they want.

But what about you? Have you had that conversation? Would you be bothered in this scenario? Or have you ‘banned’ your OH from ever seeking love post your demise?

You really are a nasty person. Maybe you should try having just a smidge of empathy and compassion towards people in a different situation to your own.

I'm also a mate for life person. My first husband's life (and therefore, unfortunately, our relationship) ended when I was in my 20's. I remarried several years later. My current marriage will also be for life and hopefully we will both live to a ripe old age.

I am so thankful not to have raised children like you. I know that if my husband died our children would be devastated, but I also know they would wish me happiness in my future, whatever form that happiness took.

Reminds me of an old music hall song:

I'm Henery the Eighth I am
Henery the Eighth I am I am
I got married to the widder next door
She's been married seven times before
Evry one was a Henery.

She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam
I'm her Eighth old man called Henery
Henery the Eighth I am.

I do think there is probably a difference depending on how old someone is when they are widowed. I was widowed in my 20's. If I was widowed again now that I'm in my 50's I don't know whether I would want to marry again. But of course I won't know unless I'm in that position, so I wouldn't definitively say never.

I think a lot of that is partly to do with the fact that women with children don't get as much free time to meet.

When DH was widowed he was inundated with offers of help, and for a long time afterwards. He still (nearly 30 years later) is very vocal about how widows with children are just expected to get on with things 'for the children' whereas widowers are seen as brave or heroic for 'taking on the children'.

He actually set up a support group locally to where he lived at the time after being disgusted by the different support offered to a woman (who is now one of his closest friends) compared to him.

I can sort of see that could be the case, but not sure I’d even be over the shock! Having read so many awful tales on here, I also realise how bloody amazing my DH is and how hard it might be to find MK2 😂

I can sort of see that could be the case, but not sure I’d even be over the shock! Having read so many awful tales on here, I also realise how bloody amazing my DH is and how hard it might be to find MK2 😂

I think it also must depend on the circumstances.

There's a big difference in shock levels when someone is killed in a car crash with no warning and someone dying over a long period of time.

We didn't get together quickly, but one of the things DH always says he's very lucky with is that he and his wife had time. So he knew what she wanted for DS, and for him, for funeral wishes and the likes. He had no "what would she want me to do". That must help.

My late husband's ex was 81 when she acquired her 4th man. (She married only my husband - the others have been partners.)

I think that she simply hates being on her own, but I've also noticed that she's always careful to find a man in good health. Man No 2 was younger than her; the other two were older, but had kept themselves active. As soon as they display signs of illness, she starts to look around again. In spite of her age, she always seemed to find a man in reasonably good nick.

Her children have always been happy for her to have a new man, but - cynical though this sounds - I think it's partly because that means that there's less worry for them, in that they know that she always has someone to hand.

ETA In Scotland, a very good reason for people not to marry again is that - no matter what is in the will - a spouse has specific legal rights.

But many Christians also don't believe in extra marital sex, so they either remain celibate when widowed or they remarry to have an intimate relationship.

Which then leaves them in quite a bind in the afterlife I imagine.

He can marry again but,
he has to keep my ashes on the mantelpiece in a container with my face on,
my half of everything goes into the kids trust fund and he can’t get his vasectomy reversed.

Not a problem, according to the Gospel of Mark.

This.

One of my mates unexpectedly lost her husband about three years ago. His lung collapsed in his sleep (he'd had issues since childhood due to being extremely tall) and he had a heart attack and died within hours.

I honestly thought she wouldn't move on for ages but she's met a lovely guy now. It was a really heartwarming story. She'd gone out for a catchup with a friend of hers who's tiny and doesn't take her drink well. Said friend got absolutely hammered and pretty much collapsed on the pavement. My friend's now partner saw what was happening and made all his friends get out their taxi and give it to them. Was a real gentleman and helped drunk friend into the taxi despite apparently getting her puke all over his shirt.

They then happened to bump into each other a few weeks later and the rest is history.

Your friend and her mother are both very weird.

Mark 22: 30. "For in the resurrection people neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like angels of God in heaven."

I can't think of one Christian denom that has a problem with the remarriage of widows.

I've mentioned this before but when very young I worked with a woman who seemed incredibly old to me at the time (probably late 50s!) She was a war widow, 21 when her husband was killed in action. They'd been married a tragically short time, weeks I think. She talked about him occasionally and once got very upset after a couple of drinks at the Christmas party. W said that she'd never looked at or wanted another man but from my age now (older than she was then) I wonder if her equally young husband (who sounded lovely) would have wanted a lonely life for her, because she often said she was and very wistfully that she adored children.

I think it’s different if you have a disabled child to think about. I could never have another man in the house if I lost DH, our son would not be able to cope. I think DH would need a third wife (!) if I died but again I am not sure DS would be able to cope with that. He is a teenager but will never be independent. But I’ll be gone so there won’t be anything I could do about it! When DS was small I thought if we lost DH that I would end it for both of us but I couldn’t do that now as my DS would want to live. If I lost DS, I would follow him though and then DH would be free. Morbid I know but when you have a disabled child, you do consider all these options I think.

Marriage does end with the death of one of the parties.

Christian marriage vows usually include the phrase 'til death us do part', and it means marriage lasts until one dies.

After that, the surviving party is free to marry again in the church. An uncle of mine was a widower when he married my aunt and had to present his late wife's death cert to prove he was free to marry (RC).

I’d want my husband to find someone only caveat is though money and making sure everything goes to our child not the new wife.

If I died he’d have enough of a payout to payoff mortgage plus maybe another £200k. And I would want that all to be raising our daughter.

I know if my husband died I would have another relationship but I don’t think I’d marry again just because of the whole asset sharing stuff and I’d want it all to go on our daughter.

I guess it's horses for courses. Some people 'need' a partner, others don't.

My mum and her sister were widowed (as 'mature' women) within 4 years of each other. Both had wonderful long marriages, a wide circle of friends, and children living nearby.

My aunt remarried within 18 months of my uncle's death because she was 'so lonely' despite an active social life & her children dropping by frequently. My mum never even dated, let alone considered remarrying. She was perfectly happy with her friends and her memories.

My aunt later regretted her remarriage as her 2nd husband 'restricted' her. He wasn't a 'bad man', he just felt that a couple must do everything together and if he didn't want to, that was that. My mum never regretted not marrying again. She was able to travel, meet with friends, get involved in charity work.

Remarriage is fine. As is remaining single. Either way, just know what you're getting into.

I was referring to my friends situation. He died one night, out of the blue. Hell of a shock, or so you’d think

I wouldn't want DH to be lonely and if he found love again after I died then great. We've both said that we're too knackered to try and find another partner though if one of us goes... 😂