‘You’re NOT allowed to get married again’.

[whataboot]

Somewhat lighthearted but when chatting to a friend a few months ago, she told me that if she was to die first she’d banned her husband from ever marrying again. At first I thought she was joking but no, she was dead (pardon the pun) serious. It turns out that when her mum died, she’d also told her dad that she couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying again either.

As far as I’m concerned, when I’m gone, I’m gone. Obviously I’d expect DH to have a suitably dignified mourning period and no shacking up with an immediate replacement but after that, well, I don’t think I have the right to deny anyone else happiness or a new relationship if that’s what they want.

But what about you? Have you had that conversation? Would you be bothered in this scenario? Or have you ‘banned’ your OH from ever seeking love post your demise?

Some of these posts are so condescending. As if anyone who remarries after being widowed didn't love their late spouse as much as some of you love your spouses.

Guess what? You know how after you have one child and you think you couldn't possibly love another child as much? But then you have another child and the amount of love you have to give grows? It's the same thing.

Of course, not everyone is as lucky as I have been. Not lucky to have lost my first husband when I was still very young of course, but lucky to have married another man who I love just as much. And my children (who are now grown) were lucky to have two fathers who absolutely adored them and wanted nothing but the best for them.

The long and the short of it is that you can't possibly say how you would react if you were widowed, and what the rest of your life would look like.

100% I would expect my dh to do whatever was right for him.

I'd be horrified if he stopped living his life because of me!

And I think it is awful to tell your dad (or mum) not to re-marry, your friend is totally wrong to do that. Hope she plans to keep her dad company in his old age.

That was another film the husband was an alcoholic she didn’t think he would manage to care for them all on her own. So she found adoptive homes for them all.

I looked it up it’s called the substitute wife.
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Me too! But I would want him to meet someone and be happy, just not marry her. 😊

Me too

I’d be dead I wouldn’t care! Nor would I know if met someone else because I’m, you know, dead.

I think if you love someone you’d want them to be happy and if they found someone that brought joy to their life and was a kind and loving person then they absolutely should find love again.

We've never discussed this, but marriage is to death parts you. 26 years and counting.

I'm not sure I'd want to get married again. I don't want my kids inheritance messed up for one. DHs dad remarried after being widowed. He's quite neutral about dad's wife, but I don't see him marrying again himself.

I'd rather he got a companion, but not a wife that could end up with their inheritance. Having said that, DH is savvy enough to ensure that didn't happen.

I don't think my kids would want their dad to marry again, but they'd be fine if he had a partner.

The thought had crossed my mind.

When he heard about the most recent boyfriend, my late husband's comment to me was: "That'll be another hoose for her to inherit!"

[In all seriousness, they all died of natural causes. ETA Plus only the affair partner left her everything.]

Most people I know structure their wills to protect their children.

I have a relative who was widowed and is certainly not going to re-marry. However, her daughter is with her second husband.

My relative has apparently structured her will so that - in the event of her daughter dying - only the grandchildren can inherit, not the second husband.

I do know much older people who have a second partner following being widowed. They've actually all refused to marry, in order to protect their children's inheritance.

DP always says (only half-jokingly) that I have to stay single forever if he dies - so I always say that I’ll be bringing the kids new daddy to his funeral 😂😂😂😂

(For absolute clarity, this is a joke - we always use humour to talk about dark subjects).

I always tell him that if I die, he has to not act like a grumpy twat to the DC and that he can shack up with whoever he wants, as long as they’re kind to DC. I also told him that if he doesn’t continue the Tooth Fairy/Christmas Elf/Santa traditions* that the DC love, I’m going to haunt him.

(*DC have significant SEN).

I’ve said he’s allowed to remarry but he must annoy her by calling me ‘Wife Number 1’ periodically and sticking a photo of me at the top of the Christmas Tree.

If there’s an afterlife and we all have to hang out together then I need to know she can have a laugh.

DH knows that I have no problem with him finding another relationship. I will come back and haunt him if he does anything that would muddy our intention that our child inherit any assets leftover at the end of our lives. He looked at me like I was crazy when I brought up the subject because he feels the same way.

Nothing wrong with dating and keeping finances fully separate later in life.

Cupids arrow might strike, but does that mean you have to marry? Or live together?

Or can you just be practical about what that might mean for your children? Or if there is indeed an afterlife, for that? Or even just for what that could mean if you then die, would you be with spouse 1 or spouse 2 (burial, ashes spread etc)?

Sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹

I was going to say this - it does depend I think on if you’ve children or not.

If you have and your dh remarried someone with children then very often it means disinheriting your children in favour of the new wife’s if your husband dies first.

No reason your spouse couldn’t find happiness again - but I’m not sure about marriage (and all the financial/legal ramifications) when there are children involved.

Also, your DH would have to choose someone who’d be a good mother to your children as a first priority - and that severely limits the pool so it might be very hard to meet someone

Blimey. So if someone has a different spiritual belief system to you - that they share with their husband! You accuse them of being a teenager because in your eyes because we don't share your opinion, we are therefore less mature than you?

Exactly this. We haven’t had an in depth conversation but I know we both feel the same about protecting our children’s inheritance. I have friends who were left with nothing after their father remarried and trusted his new wife to look after his children if he went first.

I wouldn’t want my dh to marry again because if legal ramifications. We have worked hard to build what we have and I wouldn’t want my dc to lose out. I would want him to be happy though and maybe if he was clued in enough to protect assets through a will then it wouldn’t be so bad.

We talked about it years ago and both wanted the other to feel free to find friendship and happiness again. We’re still happily married over 2 decades later, in fact, we hit our 30th anniversary as a couple this year.

I think there have been some studies where the happier a relationship was, the more likely the surviving partner is to find a new relationship again as they are almost wanting to "replicate" it (for want of a better word).

I'd want my partner to be happy. I'll be dead so it won't matter to me! I also think men are more likely to remarry because women usually take more of the household load etc so it's easier for them to be in a relationship.

We’ve discussed this and agreed that neither of us would consider remarriage purely for financial reasons. I can’t imagine wanting to ever live with another man, let alone marry them.

Although I do understand people wanting to protect their children's inheritance. My partner and I are poor so hasn't been a concern for us!

We have both promised to ring fence the kid’s money - to be fair we are getting to the age where we both said companionship all fine, separate houses and finance. Realistically it would be a 60+ yr old other man. No thank you very much

Lots of us saying no to remarriage but yes to companionship/cohabitation without the financial ties due to concerns about inheritance. I'm interested to know what benefit those who would remarry in that situation (assuming no more children planned/possible) see in marriage rather than living as though married but keeping assets separate. I understand you could make wills etc to reflect wishes but why? What benefit is there which makes the risks and extra complications worth it? I could understand people choosing to do an unofficial commitment ceremony with friends and family but why the whole shebang?

I’m with your friend - I’ve told my husband he does NOT have my blessing and he should know I wouldn’t want him to remarry! I certainly wouldn’t - I’m a mate for life person.

My mother has been a widow for 9 years and I made it very clear to her I wouldn’t be supportive of her ‘dating’ either.