‘You’re NOT allowed to get married again’.

[whataboot]

Somewhat lighthearted but when chatting to a friend a few months ago, she told me that if she was to die first she’d banned her husband from ever marrying again. At first I thought she was joking but no, she was dead (pardon the pun) serious. It turns out that when her mum died, she’d also told her dad that she couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying again either.

As far as I’m concerned, when I’m gone, I’m gone. Obviously I’d expect DH to have a suitably dignified mourning period and no shacking up with an immediate replacement but after that, well, I don’t think I have the right to deny anyone else happiness or a new relationship if that’s what they want.

But what about you? Have you had that conversation? Would you be bothered in this scenario? Or have you ‘banned’ your OH from ever seeking love post your demise?

And if he left all his worldly goods to his new wife and your children subsequently got no inheritance, how would you feel about that? Happens on a frequent basis.

This haunting threat is not really a threat. What is a real threat is dh and his new partner/wife not being fair to the dcs. There are real world things that people can do now to protect the dcs' inheritance - that is by giving away at least half up front to the dcs in your own will.

Re-marriage will revoke dh's will. Just take it that he can do what the heck he likes with his share of your will.

But the dcs' share of your will is not a laughing matter. It is their protection against a remarriage which is not in their interests.

My husband was 20 years my senior. He told me that he wanted me to find myself another man once he was gone.

It's been more than 4 years and I'm not looking to replace him.

On the other hand, my best friend died when she was only about 46. I'm happy to say that her widower remarried 5 years later with the blessing of my friend's family and he and his second wife have been happily married for about 10 yrs.

I think that was called "Who Will Love My Children"

You won't know nor care, because you'll be dead. Or they will.
So you can say what you like really, unless you're concerned it might affect the will.

You don't know. You could think no one would replace them in your heart, and then get your zimmer entangled with someone else and cupids arrow strikes.

I’ve made sure my kids can’t be disinherited. There’s no way I’d ever leave everything to DH unconditionally. There’s are SO many predatory marriages. Live in the house: fine. But she would g be inheriting it and neither would her children.

I will still care about my kids - even dead! No way I’d leave them unprotected.

I'm laughing at the idea of anyone "banning" their other half from marrying again after their death - they aren't actually going to be able to do anything about it if they do, are they?

Our kids are grown, so I wouldn’t care. And I’d be dead, so wouldn’t know about it.

If I died when our kids were little, I think I’d rather he waited. Too many toxic step parents, and MN often has good examples.

My husband says he’d never want anyone else, but I think he’d be too lonely. I’d never replace him - he’s one in a million.

I’ve told my husband that if anything happens to me I want him to find someone else who he can be happy with and share his life with. Why would I wish a lonely and sad existence for the man I love? That’s selfish.

My late husband's ex is very proactive.

DH left her because of her boyfriend from work. After she'd been with the BF for a couple of years, she obviously got fed up - she tried to persuade DH to go back to her.

Her BF died very suddenly. After the funeral, she started to look up former colleagues. (She had mentioned this to DH - they were in touch because of their adult children.) A year later, she was living with a widower friend of DH's.

They were together for a few years, but unfortunately he died. Less than a year later, she was with her sister's neighbour (another widower).

He was hospitalised for a short spell. In the meantime, she started to visit her previous partner's BIL. (The partner's sister had just gone into a nursing home.)
Fortunately, her 4th man did come home from hospital.

Some people just can't cope on their own.

Ideally I'd like notice of my impending death so I could vet his potential new partner but, yes absolutely, I would like my DH to find love again if I died. I love him, I want him to be happy and, while he's more than capable, I'd worry he would be lonely particularly since our youngest is disabled.

My father explained it thus: he was very lucky to have TWO great loves in his life. Finding love again was a bonus: in addition to the love he had for our mother, he also had, separately, love for his new partner. And the latter did not diminish the love for our mother.

(they didn't marry legally / officially because it was financially too complicated at that late stage in life)

(I have said to DH he can do what he wants in the event he outlives me (likely given family history), however there are only two women I would thoroughly disapprove of - both are money grabbers and lazy people who wouldn't think twice about spending our/ his ££, and will swarm round like flies anyway and contribute nothing to DH's life but be total takers so if I did die I think he'll be put off!)

Exactly this.

That'll be up to DH, I won't be here to care.

The only 'discussion' we've had about this is to assure each other that either of us would always protect our adult children's inheritance. Which where I live means an iron-clad prenup.

Frankly, I'd chew broken glass before any man plants his boots under my bed. DH and I have a good and solid marriage so it's not that marriage has left a 'bad taste in my mouth', but if he goes first I will never marry again.

DH would be desperately lonely on his own, despite having many friends. I would find that thought unbearable while I was dying. So I have told him I hope he will find happiness again with someone else if I go first. And I’ve asked my closest friends to help!

We have no children. I can see it would be different for those with young children who might not be happy with a step parent.

For myself, though, I don’t think I would bother. I’ve had two wonderful men in my life, but I doubt if I’d have the energy for a new relationship in old age.

Weeks ? Wow that's shocking tbh! Am 8 months in and still heartbroken

Not sure I’d have the energy!

Totally agree. My mum always explained it as 'love's elastic'-saying it's why we can care about so many people. I know of some people who even tried to find their partner another partner before they died, when they found out they were seriously ill. I don't know that I'd do that-but who knows, in the circumstances? Some posters have said they'd be worried about inheritance-I would trust my partner to make sure things were done fairly.

I wouldn't care what my DH does if I went first, but would care how any one he dates would treat my kids. I have high standards and would want them not only to be kind but to be a good role model for the children. To that extent, I would rather he didn't introduce any partner to the kids until the kids were grown.

Are you me 🤣. Exact same.

We've agreed we would have a companion in similar circumstances but no marriage & no more children.

Personally I wouldn't ever remarry simply to avoid complicating my kids rightful inheritance that DH and I have worked for. I've lived with DH for over half my life and can't imagine ever having the inclination to start from scratch again and people my age tend to have baggage.

I'm wife #2 for DH and can't imagine him going for #3 😆.

If they offer to make you a cup of tea, I would decline just incase there is a wee dod of arsenic in it!

I mean I would like to say that of course I would love for my husband to find happiness and blaablaa. But would i be thrilled about children being part of a blended family? Step mum, half siblings, step siblings and all of that. Not really.