Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

The irony of your post.

She’s in a private rental…

In other posts/threads she was clearly referenced getting a place due to the abuse at the hands of the man she has now got back together with.

Yes but she could literally mean she got the place (as in rented it) because of him, rather than she was GIVEN it.

And nowhere in any of those posts/threads did it say she was given social housing.

In fact, in this very thread, it specifically states that she is in a private rental.

Maybe next time don’t be so quick to make assumptions and/or be a patronising dick to a woman who is in an abusive relationship.

Who the hell knows what OP means anyway! She completely misrepresented her situation to the point it made this thread nonsensical. She is pandering to a dude who beat her to the point she miscarried, got support with a new place and the next thing she does is get back together with this peace of human excrement.

I have partaken and been supportive in many threads over many years to support those leaving a violent situation. Many women could only dream of getting away to safety with no children or financial pressures to get away from her abuser. OP had all of those chances and opportunities and chose to step right back into this shit shower!

‘a dude’ lol 😂

This often happens when partners are coercive controllers
the victim becomes very insecure and their choices are constantly undermined
hence the inability to make a clean break

She had a clean break he lost his place or is waiting for a new place to live I can't remember which. I can't be bothered to read back. She took him back after everything. She was supported to find somewhere after he beat her up and she lost the baby. She decided to go down the private rental route.

‘Oh piss off.’

OP is calling people on here rude!

Exactly.if you go back after a “clean break” it’s not a clean break anymore just recycling the same situation…

@Feelinglost10 doesn't owe anyone an update. Quite the reverse, given the way she's been treated on this thread. Chasing down her previous posting history and putting her through the wringer over practically every syllable of it is very unedifying. If she'd wanted advice on those points she would have asked. No one forces anyone on this site to to waste our time and resources offering others advice on this forum. We do so voluntarily: it doesn't compel people to take that advice and they 'owe' complete strangers on the www exactly squat.

It is hard - very hard - to extract yourself from an abusive relationship. It can take many years and many separate attempts - and if OP comes back here wanting support 2, 5, even 10 years down the line, I for one am happy to give it.

No wonder there are so many name-changes around here. OP, if you post again I'd recommend you do this so no one can trace your posting history back to you and derail the thread by criticising you in such personal terms. I hope you're OK.

And is quite right.

Victim blaming at its finest...sorry you find abuse of the OP 'tiresome'.

Victim blaming at its finest...sorry you find abuse of the OP 'tiresome

Utter rubbish. OP is working and has her own home, she is only a victim because she won’t take control of the situation and kick him out for good.

Shes not homeless or penniless - she is simply choosing the wrong sort of man - not one who has her same ambition and drive to do better.

She has a choice, most woman of domestic violence do not.

I feel for OP but why enable this man to take the piss?

But it's not just 'homeless' or 'penniless' women who fall victim to domestic abuse, far from it...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/guest_posts/4446296-Coercive-and-controlling-behaviour-is-clever-You-would-have-thought-a-police-officer-could-see-it-coming-right

No just good sense!

This is a few weeks old, but I have to ask, "What does this BF of yours bring to the table?". He doesn't work, he hasn't found a new place (why should he when he can just live off you) and just expects you to deal with it all.

People have tried and tried to get you to see the big picture. He does not love you, because people that love someone else, doesn't let their child run amok and destroy another person's house. They don't threaten to go back to their exes.

You have gotten upset by people being abrupt and feel them rude. They are frustrated because you cannot or will not see the truth. It makes them wonder why you posted in the first place. You seem to not mind that you have a cocklodger and his son there and you are supporting them both. Oh, the reason the Dad doesn't mind him staying is that now he doesn't have to pay CM, can get benefits and even try to get CM from the mother. Until then, he has free lodging, free food, free everything.

Enjoy OP, as only YOU can change this life you are now living.

Well said. You have banged the nail on the head. We can only hope he bangs his head on the way out...

Hopefully, he's in prison for previous assault/ breaching bail conditions.

Iv only just read some comments on this thread and want to say thankyou for every single word of this. You hit it all on the head. Thankyou x

Hi OP, I'm sorry for how you were treated on this thread previously. Can I ask how things are now, did you manage to get the son back to his Mum and his normal routine? Has your partner got a new place yet? Hope you've got things sorted to your satisfaction.

OP I have no experience myself but know that the Freedom Programme is recommended a lot in these situations.

you are being abused plain and simple. Get help. Get out.

With what you have been through and you still let him back into your life it's Stockholm syndrome you have.

"A person feeling sorry for their abuser can be a symptom of Stockholm Syndrome, a psychological response where a person develops positive feelings towards their abuser, potentially including feelings of sympathy or compassion. This occurs as a coping mechanism in situations of prolonged captivity or abuse."

It's a coping mechanism you need to get counselling and work through the trauma and abuse you have suffered and are suffering now.

I also dislike when people dig up posters' old threads etc. But in this situation people were getting worked up because there was a child involved - a child who was taken from his mother and school etc and roaming around the streets with his dad with no plan for the child's return.