OP I hope you are ok?
I know you were frustrated with some of the responses you received but can you please let people know you are safe? I know it’s hard to hear some things but people were speaking out of concern.
You lost your baby in December iirc? I imagine that was devastating, I’ve miscarried and the fact you were alone with no support will have made it even more traumatic.
I know this is hard but can you imagine if you had that baby, imagine you had a daughter and then later in life she ended up in the same situation as you?
You sound like a kind caring person who is desperate to love and please people, you don’t have any immediate family and that alone makes you so vulnerable, I’ve been in a very similar situation to you and I took my ex back on more than one occasion because I was trapped in a cycle of abuse and he’d isolated me, I was dependent on him and he love bombed me the same as your partner. I was also the same as you in constantly trying to recreate the relationship at the beginning and hope he’d change.
This man is a terrible father, a few months ago you posted similar about him having his son for long periods and staying up all night playing on the X box and smoking weed. I believe you care about your partners kids and have tried to improve their situation but the only way it’ll ever truly improve is if authorities get involved and it’s too risky for you to intervene with that.
He has cheated on you with his ex, threatened you constantly about getting back with her and is playing the two of you against each other, you despise her but it also sounds like she’s been a victim of his abuse and violence. She is not the enemy here, she doesn’t sound the best parent but I imagine for her to keep getting involved with your partner she was equally vulnerable and even more trapped as she has kids with him.
I was jealous of my exs partner as he also played us against each other, I didn’t see till later we were all much younger, had little family support and we’re basically groomed. I would have done anything he asked for believing it was out of love - it wasn’t it was fear of losing him.
You were pregnant with the baby you sadly lost, then you had another suspected pregnancy just afterwards and you recently were in the same situation, each time you admitted on your posts you weren’t using protection.
I might be completely wrong about this but I’m going off my own experience, is this because you want a settled family future with your partner and you want a reason for him to stay with you and work at the relationship? I suspect it’s also to make you equal with his ex? This was my fantasy, I wanted babies for the wrong reasons.
Look at this mans parenting history. He moves miles away from his kids then has his youngest for long periods and doesn’t parent him and lets him stay off school, I expect he’s wanting his son to grow up just like him.
He has no job, no money and no prospects and is violent, you will never have a happy family with this man but if you get away now then you have time in the future. If you are desperate for a baby for the right reasons then you could go it alone? From the way you have cared for your partners kids and the fact you have a job and secure housing then I think you have so much to offer.
You have been strong before and broken away, I don’t know if you were ready at that time and circumstances forced you from his violence and that’s why you returned. I think you need a lot more support to do this properly and safely, I think you need to reach out to relevant services and talk to them about them helping you to get away properly. Do you have any friends who can offer support? When I was with my ex I pushed friends away, partly because my ex wanted me to and partly because deep down I was worried they would judge me. I didn’t want to see my relationship from anyone else’s eyes. As soon as I left my friends were all there for me and had been waiting for me to come to my senses.
I don’t want to advise you to kick your partner out suddenly as I’m genuinely worried about your safety, I would try to encourage him to find housing but otherwise you need support. Is your partners brother still around to offer him somewhere to stay?
I apologise if you think I was nosy finding your past threads, I’d saved one of your previous ones as I was genuinely concerned as I recognised so much of your story that was similar to my own, there is absolutely no judgement from me towards you. I don’t think anyone could understand until they have been in a position where they are broken down and have no resistance. A pp compared it to Stockholm syndrome and I agree with this completely, it took me a long time to adjust to being free and independent, it felt unnatural to start with as I wasn’t used to being able to think for myself or make decisions, when I finally got used to it I was so exhilarated by the freedom.
This was long and you might not read it all, it’s highly possible you don’t return to the thread. One piece of advice I’ll give you if you do is to read Marian Keyes book “this charming man”. It’s about a man with multiple women under his spell who think it’s love when he’s actually seriously abusive. It made me feel a lot better after reading it for accepting the abuse I’d tolerated.
If you are wondering how I got away then I’m disappointed to tell you that it wasn’t an act of bravery or strength, my ex cheated with a 15 year old (he was 32 and this was part of his usual pattern to groom the young girls) then went to prison for something unrelated. I was so broken I might have stood by him in prison but this was just after my miscarriage and I finally saw things for what they were. I moved away and changed my name and was free. I did get some hassle from his young girlfriend but I understood she had been primed to hate me so waited till she got bored and ignored it.
You are strong and independent and deserve happiness, PM me if you ever want to talk or just need that bit of extra support, as I said there is no judgement.
I hope you do return and keep posting if it helps, you said posting on previous threads helped you get away the first time. Ignore any comments that aren’t helpful or relevant to your circumstances and focus on the positives. I hope you stay safe and resolve your living situation xxx