Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

he knew what he was doing.
he may be wanting the best for his son but it isn’t for him to decide how he will roast you.

honestly, get out of this.

he needs to have it handed to him. You have until « this date » and then you will both have to be living somewhere else. Let’s see if he keeps his son with him once he finds out he will have to do it.

Poor little lad.

I didn't know you could change your vote!!! You are correct she fully mislead us all.

Op
i’m afraid you haven’t helped yourself as you’ve taken back your abusive ex after getting out and getting a fresh start.

It's not your child,you shouldn't have to put up with this,who the fuck does he think he is,running the rule over your house YOUR HOUSE,kick him out if he doesn't sort things to your satisfaction.

Absolutely NOT being selfish! Why do you think you might be being unreasonable, because it involves a child? I don't know why some adults just think as soon as it involves a child (any child), you aren't entitled to feel cheated, smothered or pissed off and have infinite patience and understanding to a complete unwelcomed change to your life and routine. This isn't your own kid, this is somebody else's that has just been hoisted upon you without you having any say in the matter. You're very much entitled to feel this way. Your partner didn't even speak to you and just thought he could bring him and his son into your home without warning. The fact his son wasn't initially living with him and him then deciding that he wasn't going to send him home and take him out of school isn't something you or anybody could foresee, this is totally out of left-field. Your poor dog as well (I'm a dog lover!) It's not fair on you or your dog to have your lives turned upside down like this. Yes, there is an amount of flexibility in a relationship but your partner went so far over the line, you are completely justified to feel this way. You need to sit down and speak to him and don't let him tell you that you are being selfish, because you're not. This would irk me to end and I wouldn't have stood for it as long as you have. Good luck!

Absolutely NOT being selfish! Why do you think you might be being unreasonable, because it involves a child? I don't know why some adults just think as soon as it involves a child (any child), you aren't entitled to feel cheated, smothered or pissed off and should just have infinite patience and understanding to a complete unwelcomed change to your life and routine. This isn't your own kid, this is somebody else's that has just been hoisted upon you without you having any say in the matter. You're very much entitled to feel this way. Your partner didn't even speak to you and just thought he could bring him and his son into your home without warning. The fact his son wasn't initially living with him and him then deciding that he wasn't going to send him home and take him out of school isn't something you or anybody could foresee, this is totally out of left-field. Your poor dog as well (I'm a dog lover!) It's not fair on you or your dog to have your lives turned upside down like this. Yes, there is an amount of flexibility in a relationship but your partner went so far over the line, you are completely justified to feel this way. You need to sit down and speak to him and don't let him tell you that you are being selfish, because you're not. This would irk me to no end and I wouldn't have stood for it as long as you have. Good luck!

Weird that most people are worried so much about the Dog over the kid!

I think most people are concerned about both. The dog has no agency at all and no-one in the house looking out for it apparently. In this situation the child will probably end up getting bitten and then the dog will be blamed.

I feel really sorry for the child and his 7 siblings. His mother allowed him to use a knife resulting in a painful hand injury. What other care is he lacking. He might be hard work but he’s a child!

OP, I get how hard it is to stand your ground especially if you happen to have been the victim of abuse in the past ... speaking rationally to your partner doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere.
I think you should call social services both for this little boys sake and your own.

Unfortunately there's little hope for children born into this life, especially with SEN. So sad.

I really don’t understand why you are so keen to continue with this relationship. He’s a user. If he uses his ex instead of you you win. He doesn’t sound like a prize you want to fight for. Let him go. He should have got his financial act together before now. You paint him as an awful bloke with an equally awful child in your OP and then pretend to be surprised when women say get out of this relationship it isn’t enhancing your life, and yes relationships are meant to enhance your life, they aren’t meant to feel like missionary work

Read through the OP updates. She is back with the ex who beat her up so badly that she had a miscarriage.This violent fucktard is whom she loves and defends, the child has been taken from his mother who at least sent him to school. This should be a police case right now. The dog is pitiful but not as much as a neglected child with special needs.

In the kindest way, you need to grow a backbone.

This man is leeching off you. And he’s using your concern for his child as a way to guilt trip you into letting them both stay and walk over you.

As much as it hurts to hear him say that he’ll go move in with his ex, can you not see this is him trying to guilt trip you into letting them both stay? He’s gaslighting you. It’s coercive control.

Instead of giving into his threats, if he says he’ll move out to his ex’s the say “Ok then”. See what he actually does. Because I bet he doesn’t move there. He’s just trying to scare you.

You HAVE to set boundaries.

Explain to him that you didn’t sign up for this. That he doesn’t live in your home permanently, you were doing him a favour when he lost his place and that he has no right to just bring his son to live somewhere that isn’t even HIS permanent home. That he doesn’t discipline his child and lets him get away with not going to school. That this is YOUR home and you call the shots.

He needs to send the child back to his mothers. The child needs to attend school.

He needs to get himself his own place sorted and THEN and only then, should he be considering having his child live with him full time. Until then, if neither of them can respect your home, then neither of them get to stay there.

If he doesn’t like it and leaves for his ex’s that should tell you all you need to know. That he’s a cocklodger.

Boot both of them out - just get it over with - you definitely don't need two selfish, self obsessed twits to care for......

Wait, hes beat you up so bad you miscarried? Oh op wtf are you doing. Please get him out/split up and make sure that little boy is back with his mum.

please contact WomensAid for help. Get the police involved if needed and change the locks. Do not get pregnant with this idiot.

Your partner knows what he is doing. He’s abusing you, this is his first attempt at trying to control you on a large scale. In a years time, he still won’t have a place, he might be out of work, you’ll be left footing the bill and all the house work too! If you’re not convinced, ask him to leave and ask for your keys back and see how he reacts, he knows he can use you.

You want to be with this man singular.. but he has made it clear they are a package, you will not break up with him, you just want the son to go away, this is not going to happen. Keep justifying how you love him and want to stay together, you’re burying your head in the sand. He will eventually get out with the son or you will just let them stay.

This.

Please listen, OP, to what everyone is telling you, and tell this man to leave. I would also contact Social Services about the fact that he has just decided not to return his child to his mother and that he is not attending school.

Also, why hasn’t he got a job? How does he support his child and himself?

He’s a cock lodger and he is using his son to guilt you. Bin him off

Op let him go back to his ex this will never work he’s disrespectful to you and his son won’t change and he’s not your responsibility let the mother and father be in the same house he really isn’t arsed about you he just wants a free home one of the worst cocklodgers I’ve read about on here. Your home your rules let him go he really isn’t worth it tell him to go then change the locks the kid will never be homeless he has a home and a mum your boyfriend isn’t a good man this would be your future with him. Your not enjoying it so why put up and shut up get rid the dad is a big boy he will find someone else to take on this huge responsibility your not ready for this set up I wouldn’t be either sounds like hell.

YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH.
your partner’s behaviour has been absolutely outrageous.

Couldn't give a shit about the kid. The kid has a mother and father who are caring for him. It sounds like he's having a gay old time in OP's house.

The dog on the other hand is scared, jumpy and injuring itself because of the child. No one can explain to the dog why this is happening. The poor thing is scared, hurt and doesn't understand why. So yes, I care more about the dog.

I think I would be telling him to jog on then (and not bother coming back). He sounds like an abusive cocklodger with little in the way of redeeming features. He knows you won’t like this idea which is why he said it.

@Feelinglost10 - this man assaulted you so badly you had a miscarriage?

Please do not let this man back in your life. If he has hurt you this badly already, things are only ever going to get worse.

How badly does he have to hurt you before you accept that he is NOT a good man - he is a violent, abusive thug and you should want him as far away from you as possible.