Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

I’m sure you will get lots of sympathy
has this happened in previous relationships ? Are you an enabler
are you normally good at,boundary setting or do you always get to “tipping points’ before you take action you have enabled the situation to get to this point
maybe you can write down a list of your options then make a decision it can be helpful to see the whole picture or you can just keep posting your woes as the situation gets worse

If ever there was a requirement to read the whole thread (or at least OP’s updates) this thread is it.

Tell them both to fuck off. Freeloaders.

To me this is a red flag for a relationship. This will not end well in the future due to him not even asking about his child living full time with you, or being respectful to your opinions and home.

Your home sounds lovely and you deserve that.

Be very careful please.
You have worked hard for your own home.
He has a child.
He could try and claim occupancy using his child to do that.

What ARE you on about? You sound like a nutcase.

Not nice, is it?

I felt sorry for her too, at first, but she never answers questions and clearly has no intention of taking advice. I fear for the child but there is nothing at all I can do, so I am going to leave her to it.

Absolutely spot on! You can’t help some people if they don’t want to be helped.

He's a grown adult and a father: it is his responsibility to house himself and take care of his child. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you think it OK to treat him and his home the way he's treated you and your house/dog? Doubt it. The solution might not be pretty but it does 2 things: shows him he needs to respect you more than he does right now and take responsibility for himself.

You said “How do I tell him?”you say “ you both have to leave” then he goes! You are being taken for a ride! This man has No Respect for you at all! He is treating your home like it’s it disposable! And he might feel obligated to have his son but his son is not yours! You need to be careful if your own mental health! Give him their marching orders!

Op seriously think hard about what you are getting from this relationship. Are there any benefits?
As sounds like it's only causing you stress, and this man doesn't have money or a job?. I'd seriously be saying to him he should concentrate on getting his life sorted and a career etc before I consider a relationship with him.

I’d also be very concerned that he hasn’t discussed this with the child’s mother and that she is likely tearing her hair out not knowing where and how her dc is. If so it could get very confrontational all round. If you are worried for your safety when you ask him to leave (assuming that you will) ask the police to be there for your safety and to keep things calm.

The child is neither here nor there in this. Your partner is a waste of space. Get rid.

Such a sad situation but the most important thing is that he didn’t communicate with you. If you can’t communicate now, you won’t in future with the additional pressures you’re now facing because you’ll both feel resentment. If my now husband had just moved the kids in full time without so much as a conversation, we wouldn’t have worked. It isn’t that his child is living with you. For me it’s that he didn’t respect you enough to talk to you about it. Leave now while you can. It’s not been long and it’s already pushing you over the edge.

You're in this situation because you, at taxpayers expense, got a new home and interventions and support to leave an abusive man and then just took him back into said home. Why is that a surprise to you OP?

Now he's out the door you need to take action to make sure he doesn't get back in - contact your support person, the police, social services to help this vulnerable child

The OP is also a taxpayer.

I wasn’t even gonna reply to this or any other comment as I’m actually done with how rude some people on here are but I absolutely am replying to this one. Explain how tax payers paid for my new house??????? Never in my LIFE have I claimed so much as a penny from the government and I can guarantee I have paid more in tax then I have ever used in regards to public services. What a ridiculous comment.

Ok OP I apologise if I offended you with my comment. While you're here are you going to update us on what's happening with this waste of space and tell us if his child is safely back with his mother?

This is what you choose to focus on when you've been enabling and condoning child abduction?

Let this man go back to live with his ex.

Are you getting any help or counselling? You don't sound like you're ok.
What was your upbringing like did you come from the care system?
Your priorities are wrong you don't sound stable. I don't know what chaos you saw in your life that you are trying to replicate it's madness that you're going with.
I'm not going to pat you on the back for working because if you don't work you're dead. If you get pregnant again with that man social services will be crawling all over your baby. They will put the child's needs first not your abusive boyfriend.

She has said she's in a private rental.
A private rental is not a council house or housing association property.
What are you on about?

@ContraryNoodle - on 2/6, @Feelinglost10 said, "This is a private rental I ended up getting." - so I think you owe her an apology for this.