Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

As always, the problem is with your partner.

A 6 year old autistic child, uprooted to a strange place, new house, with an adult he does not know well, is going to be in a lot of emotional distress and of course that affects behaviour.

Nobody sane or reasonable would just assume that a girlfriend should be fine with becoming a co-parent without any discussion or planning, especially to a child with higher than average needs.

I would strongly suspect that he was planning for a long time to live with you and have you take over the donkeys work of raising his child.

Tell him that the relationship is not working, and they both need to leave immediately.

Would you feel safe saying that to him? The fact that he has screamed at you is concerning. Do you have a friend (preferably male and muscular!) who can be there when you tell him, and oversee him packing up and moving out?

You’re going to split up. It is probably worth doing it sooner rather than later. Being screamed at is horrible, but what he has said to you is not wrong, is it? Your DP cannot put your needs ahead of his child’s, so you have to decide to do it for yourself. He will need to find a place for himself and his son and move out sharpish. You can’t live like this, and it is not going to get better. What you have written is very clear and I think you already know what you need (are going) to do.

It’s very hard, though, and I feel very sorry for you being in this situation and having to make this decision. I hope you don’t get hate for it as you seem to know yourself well and know what you need. It will be better for everyone to be decisive now and make the break.

(And I nearly always suggest that people work at things and that love conquers all. Not here, it won’t. It’s not fair on you or your partner or the child to live in wishful thinking until you have all suffered more. Make the break. There will be another life, another love. Your partner can concentrate on building a home for his child.)

So your BF has just decided to keep his son from the son's mother??? Because his son 'didn't want to go back?' What the hell kind of parenting is that?

Your BF saw you coming, OP. Get him out, but don't blame his son for this. Blame the feckless and unpleasant man who is currently keeping a child from its mother.

As I say there’s a huge difference between being a step mother to waking up one day his full time co parent. No conversation. Out the blue. It’s not even like it was planned and things are in place. It’s absolutely mental

Kick him out and do it now and I say that as a mum of 5DC and 2 of my DC are autistic and not in a million years would I have expected to move my child with extra needs into someone else's home,he's being an idiot and the cheek to raise his voice to you when you tried to speak to him about it is abusive and unforgivable.

OP, this is a really common tactic employed by single fathers.

They get their feet under the table and then suddenly their accomodation falls through and then suddenly their child needs to live with them too.

You have been played, please wake up to the reality of your situation. Tell him today he needs to leave and take his son.

Looks as if everyone is in agreement- including you! Deep breath, OP, and go do it.

I think if you want the partner who also have to accept the child.
But you don't need to accept either one of them

Get rid

And tell him today transfer you money for every week partner has stayed with you so far also for the ruined sofa.

This was supposed to be your fresh start. Tell your partner you don't want his son living with you and if that means he leaves you're fine with that. Tell him he's got until Friday morning and write him a formal eviction notice for Friday 9am to be out by. He'll be put into temporary accommodation with his son.

I think it is time for a conversation with your partner. I don’t see any way back from this. In his mind you do not feature at all in the relationship. His behaviour demonstrates a significant lack of empathy, self awareness and honestly most of the “good” person traits.

Seems quite convenient that this new place fell through.

He has no respect for you and clearly just wants to freeload. After his response when you tried to talk to him you need to chuck him out.

the wee boy must be so confused by the huge changes he’s experiencing in his day to day and dad is an absolute b***d for for doing it to him.

Oh hell no. Get rid of them both

You need to make it crystal clear to this man that HE doesn't live there, let alone his son. He was a guest, staying for a short while but not living there. He can decide he wants to be primary carer to his son all he wants but he has to have a home first.

This is my idea of hell. Would you prefer to continue the relationship but live apart? And no one leaves marks on my sofa.

Get rid of this man. He is riding roughshod over you. If you accept any of this, even if he moves his son out- he will never treat you with respect or consideration. (Where in gods name is the child’s mother??).

Just imagine the bliss you will experience when the house is empty again.

he never asked. He has clearly just presumed. Yesterday he got let down on a new place he was sorting out so basically has nowhere to go. The mess hasn’t been sorted and he defo won’t have money to replace my couch. The kid has been running in and out for the last house making my dog keep jumping up and running up n down stairs n his knee is already messed up and awaiting ACL surgery on it. I actually just feel overwhelmed with stress. I love my partner but did NOT sign up for this, he hasn’t planned any of it just gave in to what his son wants and not actually thinking he hasn’t for the facility to do it, it’s me who has the facility and as selfish as it sounds I don’t want to! He doesn’t even work, it’s me who does and I refuse to support his child when I have my own life to pay for

You need to act now or you'll be on here in a year, unable to get rid of the pair of them and at the end of your tether

He's walking all over and you and doesn't care about how YOU feel.

All he sees is a nurse with a purse

How dare he do that!!! Get them out and don’t ever believe you’re in the wrong for feeling the way you do! He had no right to do that without speaking to you first if you ask me had this planned from before and he was hoping you would just accept it.. Don’t otherwise they are going to walk all over you !!

The time to say no is now. End the relationship.

where is this poor boy's mother in all of this? He can't just take his child and decide he is not going home nor attending school?

What is there to love about this manipulative cocklodger? I mean he is deffo not father of the year for starters plus he has not paid a penny towards his living expenses.

Honestly why are you being so passive and allowing him to walk all over you?

Due to the absolute lack of respect your partner has shown you, I would be showing him and his son the door. You are not responsible for either of them. The audacity of him.

So what are you going to do now? Because you know there's only one answer. Kick the cocklodger out of your house.