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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

955 replies

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

OP posts:
Buffs · 03/06/2025 19:53

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

And therein lies the problem. Your partner is using the fact that you are not prepared to see a 6 year old on the street. Until you are prepared to tell them to leave, your partner will continue to take advantage.
As you have pointed out they have other options, your partner has decided that abusing your kindness and completely trashing your space is his best one.

miraxxx · 03/06/2025 20:02

SquashedSquid · 03/06/2025 19:42

Couldn't give a shit about the kid. The kid has a mother and father who are caring for him. It sounds like he's having a gay old time in OP's house.

The dog on the other hand is scared, jumpy and injuring itself because of the child. No one can explain to the dog why this is happening. The poor thing is scared, hurt and doesn't understand why. So yes, I care more about the dog.

Show quote history

There you have it- that peculiarly toxic 'caring' for animals over hurt children. A child who is running wild through neglect is not one who is being looked after.

GiveDogBone · 03/06/2025 20:12

Was your plan never to exclude his son from your lives? That was never going to work. You can’t possibly expect any (good) parent to put their new partner ahead of their child or children, never going to happen and rightly so. Sounds like you weren’t committed to the relationship and all that came with it. He’d be better off finding somebody who is.

As an aside where’s the mother in all of this, one parent can’t typically decide to unilaterally change the parenting arrangements for a child without consent.

Cazwest6 · 03/06/2025 20:13

I really feel for you and your situation
I would tell him that his son needs stability and routine, moving in with you will upset his sons life, it’s not what he is used to and will take him a while to process
if he is serious about keeping his son then he needs to go to the council and ask to be housed, they may put him in temporary accommodation but at least it’s a start
He also needs to sort things out with the boys mother, if child goes to a special school then he may well lose his place
Getting back to you, I know a lot of people have said get rid of him, and usually I would agree with them but realise how hard this may be for you
You need to give him a timeline of when you want him to leave, tell him it was only ment to be temporary and you need your space back otherwise the situation will cause you to finish with him as it’s too much for you
it was never planned for you to live together, and he chose to randomly move his son into “ your “ home
Dont let him get his feet under your table
you need to get on top of this for your own sanity, 2 hard situations for you to deal with
but you have to get both of them out not just his son
Good luck, please let us know how you get in

MerryRedSheep · 03/06/2025 20:16

Tell him to get out Immediately and take his son with him. You don't have to put up with this nightmare.

NoHope4BobHope · 03/06/2025 20:20

Honestly i agree with PP's. Theres no hope for the OP at all, the amount of help she's clearly already had and thrown away, aswell as her attitude on this thread shows that. But wouldn't social services be heavily involved with this family anyways if the dad currently has a trail pending for battering his current girlfriend so bad she miscarried?

Its highly unlikely people are going to let this thug fly under the radar now he has just taken his SEN son. I wouldnt be surprised if in a few days the police and other agencies are knocking at your door looking for him. For that little boys sake, I really hope you reach out and tell them the truth and don't actually harbour or encourage him. Your priorities are all wrong here.

Besttobe8001 · 03/06/2025 20:25

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:36

Please actually read my post. He doesn’t live here.

Show quote history

I'm sorry but at this point he does. You haven't agreed to it but he does live with you and so does his son. He has no intention to get another place and will stay there with you until you make him leave.

CosyBiscuit · 03/06/2025 20:32

Sorry OP, stop moaning on here and just tell him them both to leave.
He’s using you!

vodkacat · 03/06/2025 20:35

This sounds awful. You absolutely should not be dealing with this. The fact he threatens with going to live with ex says everything. As he has option you need to let him take that and restore your peace.
good luck x

Nikki75 · 03/06/2025 20:39

This is your home stand up to him and tell him they have to go .
He is using you and probably knew what he was going to do all along.
I'd end things with him and start life again in your home by yourself trust me you will feel relieved and much happier.
This man is out of order x

IllBeHomeForChristmas · 03/06/2025 20:45

You need serious help!

TheEveningSun · 03/06/2025 20:45

RedhairDL · 02/06/2025 21:18

Op, what would you say to a friend in your position. Or even your daughter?

He’s not easy.
He threatened to return to his ex.
He’s screamed at you for trying to set boundaries in your own home.
He’s got no job and no money.
He has form for adding to the challenging situation of other vulnerable women (impregnating women who already have multiple children)
He doesn’t even have a nice family.
He’s disrespectful of your home and belongings.

I feel like I’ve read posts from you before about this guy. Maybe not. Many people are in similar situations. But this is not healthy. Or right.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO FEEL ANGRY AT HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATED. It’s not fair that he’s done this to you. But, looking at the type of chap he is, this is unsurprising.

So what are you going to do about it?

And by the way, Love is just a feeling. It can grow and it can fade. It’s not a magical bond which overcomes all.

Show quote history

It blows my mind! There are so many lovely single women and men trying to find a partner without success and yet a low life like the OPs DP not only manages to find her, abuses her and gets away with it and is taken back showing further abuse yet still not being kicked out but loved and looked after.
OP please please you’re worth way more than that and it you don’t believe me you really need a therapy to help yourself get over this relationship. Nothing sounds healthy about it

CluelessAboutBiology · 03/06/2025 20:46

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:14

His last comment to me has just been well if he can’t stay here with him he will just have to go back to his exs and stay there (the kids mum) :( What a thing to say

You should let him do this.

Teddybear23 · 03/06/2025 20:47

Just think - nice lady who works, has money, has nice new house - I have not paid rent so chucked out, have no job and dont want to work - oh by the way I have an out of control autistic son who my wife would be happy for me to look after. Bingo problem solved. And if lady doesn’t like it tough!!

Nurse08 · 03/06/2025 20:49

Show him this post and ask him what he thinks he should do - jump or be pushed!

TheFoz · 03/06/2025 21:00

@Feelinglost10 i hope you are ok and safe. Your boyfriend is a violent thug. He does not love you, this is not a loving relationship. You need to get him out of your home and your life. I don’t know where in the world you are but please reach out and get contacts for services that can support you. You can leave him but you need hep to do it.

His son is not your concern, he has two
parents. You are the most important person in your life. You need to protect you. And your dog.

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/06/2025 21:09

Nurse08 · 03/06/2025 20:49

Show him this post and ask him what he thinks he should do - jump or be pushed!

Absolutely do not show an aggressive, abusive man this thread!

Teddybear23 · 03/06/2025 21:14

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:14

His last comment to me has just been well if he can’t stay here with him he will just have to go back to his exs and stay there (the kids mum) :( What a thing to say

Here is when you take the way out of all this mess by saying YES GO. (And don’t come back).

MellersSmellers · 03/06/2025 21:23

How do you tell him?? You Just Tell Him! And now.
I can't believe he didn't consult you first.

Trishyb10 · 03/06/2025 21:42

This is you partners child, he is 6.. he,s a child, he needs help, look at schools, work together, if you love your partner take compassion on this poor child and sort yourself out instead of worry about the sofa being dirty.

TwinklySquid · 03/06/2025 21:42

You only have two options:

  • Kick him out and end the relationship because he has treated you awfully. A good relationship doesn’t leave you in tears.
  • Carry on and not moan. If you don’t kick him out, then you are actively choosing to keep the chaos.
CaptainMyCaptain · 03/06/2025 21:44

Trishyb10 · 03/06/2025 21:42

This is you partners child, he is 6.. he,s a child, he needs help, look at schools, work together, if you love your partner take compassion on this poor child and sort yourself out instead of worry about the sofa being dirty.

Read the whole thread. The man is violent and abusive and has taken the child away from his mother and his school.

AstarionsJuicebox · 03/06/2025 22:02

Hey OP, I know this is going to be so difficult for you right now. I empathise with you. Unfortunately I think he’s managed to suck you back into his abusive cycle. I don’t normally post replies but as a victim of DV who eventually left, there’s a reason why you left and I think you know it too but I know how awful it feels when you’ve been duped again but know it’s not your fault and abusers are master manipulators but please don’t let him taint your new life now. Please listen to those who have advise you lock the doors and notify police, do this for you. You deserve a peaceful life, with no one screaming at you. People care about you, don’t accept this masquerade of love from someone who doesn’t care. Think about how lovely it’ll be to have your space again.

I know it’s hard, please seek help. From women’s aid or your local DV service. If you’re struggling to locate them please ask the national domestic abuse hotline.

Youre not alone, not stupid, not unreasonable. You’re stressed, in a difficult place and I’m sure feeling let down but we all want the best for you 🖤

Doubledenim305 · 03/06/2025 23:12

GiveDogBone · 03/06/2025 20:12

Was your plan never to exclude his son from your lives? That was never going to work. You can’t possibly expect any (good) parent to put their new partner ahead of their child or children, never going to happen and rightly so. Sounds like you weren’t committed to the relationship and all that came with it. He’d be better off finding somebody who is.

As an aside where’s the mother in all of this, one parent can’t typically decide to unilaterally change the parenting arrangements for a child without consent.

What an awful answer for OP.
He's totally taking her for a ride. He should not be shouting at her or letting his son wreck her home. If anything is broken he should replace. He should be grateful for her putting him up and apologetic for any damage done by his son.
Sorry what you said about her being unwilling to include his son is completely out of order. She isn't up for being totally used by him. That's the issue and she's right to feel that way.

MsDogLady · 03/06/2025 23:34

This was meant to be my new home and my fresh start.

Yes it was, @Feelinglost10, but you are sabotaging yourself and repeating destructive patterns.

You were desperate to get away and find a new home, but you have allowed your physical and emotional brutalizer back into your life and he has taken control. That was his agenda all along. In his devious mind, this was never going to be temporary. He rides roughshod over your boundaries, cows you with anger, and expects you to be his cash cow. He doesn’t care that his son is wreaking havoc.

How can you stand to breathe the same air after he beat you to a pulp and killed your baby?

You put yourself in this trap and now you must get yourself out. You can do that, but only if you view this dangerous manipulative abuser as poison, remove him from your life, and build iron-clad boundaries to keep him gone. If you don’t, you will never have peace and safety, only chaos and trauma.

@Feelinglost10, do not bend to his hostility and manipulative blame-shifting. Take back control and get him and his son out with the help of the police. They can go to his Ex’s or somewhere else — he must figure that out himself. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you. I also suggest that you access the Freedom Programme and IC to work on your self-esteem, boundaries, and coping strategies.