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Original poster

Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

955 replies

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 02/06/2025 18:28

“my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back”

Since when does a six year old get to call the shots? And where is his mother in all this - is she not going mental that her son hasn’t been returned when she was expecting him? OP, I agree with others: you have taken on an unemployed and irresponsible man who is happy for his child to eat junk and not clean his testy and miss school (which is against the law) and run amok in your house; he has nowhere to live because his accommodation has “fallen through” - it really is time to draw the line and move on. This situation is not fair to you and not fair to his son - he needs to move out and find his own accommodation, and the son needs to go back to his mother and his school.

Meadowfinch · 02/06/2025 18:28

WildfirePonie · 02/06/2025 18:23

Lock the front door, keep the key in the lock and chain if you can. Bag his stuff and leave it outside. Text and let him know all his stuff is bagged and outside! Do not let him back in!

This. He's out. Make sure he doesn't come back in.

WeWillAllGoTogether · 02/06/2025 18:28

So OP... this man is unemployed, homeless, not in control of his child whom he has possibly kidnapped from its mother, screams at you... and yet you say you love him? Does he have a solid gold vibrating cock?

BMW6 · 02/06/2025 18:28

FGS OP just put all their stuff in bin bags, lock and bolt the doors and tell him to FUCK OFF!

Don't be such a weedy wuss. Your home has been taken over by a cocklodger - he saw you coming and has played you like a fiddle.

Createausername1970 · 02/06/2025 18:29

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:03

As I say there’s a huge difference between being a step mother to waking up one day his full time co parent. No conversation. Out the blue. It’s not even like it was planned and things are in place. It’s absolutely mental

Show quote history

Unfortunately it's always a possibility that the child may live with a different parent at different stages in their lives, sometimes at the child's instigation or sometimes due to totally unforseen and unavoidable circumstances.

So anybody dating a partner with children has to be on board with this future possibility, no matter how unlikely it might seem at the time.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/06/2025 18:29

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:03

As I say there’s a huge difference between being a step mother to waking up one day his full time co parent. No conversation. Out the blue. It’s not even like it was planned and things are in place. It’s absolutely mental

Show quote history

How does he expect you to automatically love his son when he just moves him unilaterally into your home with no prior discussion or consent.

Do not allow him to shout in your face. It is completely unacceptable. You must tell him that this relationship is over and he needs to leave.

gamerchick · 02/06/2025 18:29

Hes moved in by stealth OP. It's always a classic excuse to say they have nowhere to live.

Tell him you want him gone by the weekend or you're putting them both out. You'll have to be really hard about it.

SociableAtWork · 02/06/2025 18:29

ElizabethVonArnim · 02/06/2025 18:03

You’re going to split up. It is probably worth doing it sooner rather than later. Being screamed at is horrible, but what he has said to you is not wrong, is it? Your DP cannot put your needs ahead of his child’s, so you have to decide to do it for yourself. He will need to find a place for himself and his son and move out sharpish. You can’t live like this, and it is not going to get better. What you have written is very clear and I think you already know what you need (are going) to do.

It’s very hard, though, and I feel very sorry for you being in this situation and having to make this decision. I hope you don’t get hate for it as you seem to know yourself well and know what you need. It will be better for everyone to be decisive now and make the break.

(And I nearly always suggest that people work at things and that love conquers all. Not here, it won’t. It’s not fair on you or your partner or the child to live in wishful thinking until you have all suffered more. Make the break. There will be another life, another love. Your partner can concentrate on building a home for his child.)

What he’s said to her IS wrong! The fact he shouted it, and didn’t speak, is wrong. The fact they’re only living together because he lost his own home means they’d not yet discussed the future/her role as a step parent/ having a family together.

To unilaterally decide to move his child in without any discussion or agreement doesn’t mean she wouldn’t want that, and be happy about it in the future, but it is wrong that he’s done it now, with no discussion about the timing and practicalities.

I’d say he’s also wrong for removing his child from the mum and bringing him a few hours away from her home is also wrong, but accept there might be a bigger backstory. My guess, however, would be he’s done it to spite the mum because he sounds a right wanker TBH.

CruCru · 02/06/2025 18:29

BMW6 · 02/06/2025 18:28

FGS OP just put all their stuff in bin bags, lock and bolt the doors and tell him to FUCK OFF!

Don't be such a weedy wuss. Your home has been taken over by a cocklodger - he saw you coming and has played you like a fiddle.

Yes, do this. You are not a free resource for needy men.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/06/2025 18:29

I would suggest your partner planned this. Do you even know that this place he was moving to and which fell through actually existed? You have got yourself a prize cocklodger. I'd give him 48 hours to move himself and his son out. If you leave things longer, they will only get worse. His son isn't YOUR child and is not YOUR responsibility.

TimeForABreak4 · 02/06/2025 18:29

Well if he's stormed out, has no job, no house and expects you to keep him and his child (has he even asked his mum if she was okay with this). Pack his things and tell him he needs to go stay with family. Why would you put up with this. If he's screaming at your for voicing reasonable requests, I'd also be ending the relationship.

zenae · 02/06/2025 18:30

The man -

Has no job
No accommodation
Shouts at you
Assumes you will do the parenting
Has practically kidnapped his child
Has taken his child away from his mother and his schooling (special needs places are hard to find)

So do you think that's an OK man to be with?

The school will be after him for non attendance, and the mother will be on his case too to get her child back and get him to school. I hope so anyway, and hope she is not a loser also.

I feel sorry for the child.

Read this back and say you will NOT do anything but carry on regardless. Go on.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2025 18:30

Is this a new private rental that you are now living in ?
or did you get offered a property by the local authority ?

as i have just read the thread you wrote in April.

does your landlord know you have moved your boyfriend in ?
with his child...

TequilaNights · 02/06/2025 18:30

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:16

So now he’s just stormed out because for the 4th time his son has just came in and my dog again has jumped up off the bed and ran down the stairs and I asked calmly “can you please ask him to either stay in or stay out cos when he’s coming in and out the dog is getting stressed and jumping up running down the stairs and his knee is already in a bad way he’s limping constantly in pain”. Again I got shouted at that he’s a kid and being a kid and my dogs leg is going to go anyway.

It’s like there is no compromise in MY house and I’m just living here like a fucking stranger. Surely to god I should be able to request he stops running in and out of MY house that IIIIIIIII pay for when he’s fucking up MYYYYYYYYYY dogs leg who does live here and literally sending me insane. I’m honestly about to crack up. I don’t even understand how I’m in this situation.

Perfect time to tell him to move out.

PeapodMcgee · 02/06/2025 18:30

They both leave, this week. No, of course you don't love his son! None of this is your problem and I would instantly ditch someone so revolting.

Original poster
Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:30

goingtotown · 02/06/2025 18:27

Did the mother agree to the son living with his father?

Not that I’m aware of , she has that many kids tho probably doesn’t even notice he’s gone and glad of the break. Poor kids come down with his thumb half sliced off because she told him to go cut up a lime for himself apparently! It’s just a messed up situation but why isit ME who has to take the fall for it all that’s what I feel like right now!! If he had his own place and money to do this I’d say cool let him live with u full time and I support ur decision, but he doesn’t, he’s bringing him to live with ME full time not him cos he ain’t got a place??!!

OP posts:
Terri926 · 02/06/2025 18:31

Why aren't you telling him that he has to move out OP? His priority is his child and that's how it should be - although he sounds like a shit parent to be fair. If you were to move in together in the future you would be having the child to stay and it's pretty clear that's never going to work for you.

This relationship is never going to work but he's not going to move himself out - you need to stop crying in a corner and tell him he needs to leave.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/06/2025 18:32

Show him your OP @Feelinglost10
and give him a deadline to be out.

latetothefisting · 02/06/2025 18:32

seriously OP why are you with this loser? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel.
He doesn't have a house or a job, can't parent his kid, doesn't clean up after him, shouts at you....what a prince.

PeapodMcgee · 02/06/2025 18:32

If you are literally going mad, right now, you ask him to leave, with his son. If he doesn't you call the police. He can present himself as homeless.

Original poster
Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:32

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/06/2025 18:30

Is this a new private rental that you are now living in ?
or did you get offered a property by the local authority ?

as i have just read the thread you wrote in April.

does your landlord know you have moved your boyfriend in ?
with his child...

This is a private rental I ended up getting. No my landlord doesn’t know as I absolutely will not be letting them move in full time, as a private tenant I can allow anyone to stay with me so I’m unsure what this has to do with anything really?

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 02/06/2025 18:32

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:30

Not that I’m aware of , she has that many kids tho probably doesn’t even notice he’s gone and glad of the break. Poor kids come down with his thumb half sliced off because she told him to go cut up a lime for himself apparently! It’s just a messed up situation but why isit ME who has to take the fall for it all that’s what I feel like right now!! If he had his own place and money to do this I’d say cool let him live with u full time and I support ur decision, but he doesn’t, he’s bringing him to live with ME full time not him cos he ain’t got a place??!!

Show quote history

Tomorrow morning he can present as homeless to the council with his son in tow. If the mother doesn't challenge it with the council they should provide him with some emergency accommodation. If they don't, he can spend some money on a hotel while he decides what to do. Stop being so passive. Surely you don't see a future with this guy now?

Moonnstars · 02/06/2025 18:32

This all sounds bizarre..why would the dad just let him stay, without consulting the mother?
If it's a permanent arrangement then dad needs to look at transfering schools and getting him asap to one closer.

As for him moving him in, I agree with others, you need to give a deadline and say you need them out.

StopStartStop · 02/06/2025 18:33

Stop this now.
Throw out the boyfriend and his son.
Have the police on speed dial in case he kicks off.
Get someone round to support you, if you can.

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 18:33

Createausername1970 · 02/06/2025 18:29

Unfortunately it's always a possibility that the child may live with a different parent at different stages in their lives, sometimes at the child's instigation or sometimes due to totally unforseen and unavoidable circumstances.

So anybody dating a partner with children has to be on board with this future possibility, no matter how unlikely it might seem at the time.

Show quote history

You've totally missed the point, as have many others. Even the partner himself isn't supposed to be living there! OP let him stay briefly when his housing fell through, and he is now taking the piss and decided to move his son without even discussing it. The man is supposed to be finding his own place, until then his son should be home with his mum and in school. Until then he's just being a hugely irresponsible piss take.