Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

I'd just reply, "not yet" FOREVER. Days and days would go by and I'd say we still weren't home.
"It's complicated, no time to explain."

I don’t ask my dd to do this but she does it automatically going back to base, ironically it is one of the few places where if she didn’t turn up by midnight/8am they would contact me as her named nok if she’s back on shift as it’s awol!

I mean when coming home from places like wales or Dorset a should be 4-6hours can easily double if there is an accident or diversion meaning unplanned toilet stops, deciding to eat out rather than order in and being back after places like Sainsbury’s have closed and wanting milk. Plus we might plan to leave at 10am maybe then decide the weathers nice so not leave till 2pm means we have already the started the whole how’s the drive, any traffic…

As I said my parents expect no news is good news and I’ll because I see something pretty or a funny sign snap it across. Not out of obligation but ooo look at this view, seas lovely and clear, not a we are located here right now at this time.

Mil wants upto date when where why she doesn’t want a home now because she thought we should have left already. She will even send across the local to us weather to warn us of things despite us being the ones actually there. Then once a we have arrived goes across that’s an instant video call. She needs to see where we are a tour of accommodation or whatever.

This would drive me mad too. My mum would always ring at 8.00 am on the landline the morning after we had been on holiday to make sure we were home. Even if we had only got to bed at 4.00 am for example. Same if someone was ill. Could never be allowed to sleep in or sleep when you were ill because she rang and rang and rang. Made me always on edge. This was before mobiles, but she still continued it until she died. I miss my mum,but I’m glad the constant ringing has ended.

Not necessarily - my family have always been a ‘let me know you got there/home safely’.

In the 70s and 80s when all
we had were landlines we would do a 3 rings and put the phone down so that it didn’t cost any money to do the check in!

If anyone went abroad there was a whole phone tree of reporting the safety of the arrival.

So I would phone my parents, they would then let grandmas know, grandmas would tell their sisters, they would then let cousins know. There was a time when my great aunt’s best friend was asking after my safe travel.

I didn’t realize quite how bonkers this was until I grew up and met people whose families didn’t have a clue when they travelled abroad. Through my 20s I had up to 10-12 people waiting to hear I had arrived safely or arrived home safely.

Now nearly all those people have died now so I’m down to just my Dad and DH.

Am trying a minor version with DSDs and DD but I think mobile phones make it easier not to worry because you know you’d hear quickly if there was an issue.

Mine too, I really miss all the messages that she used to leave on the answering machine 🌹

It's not about being "too busy". It's about not pandering to someone else's anxiety. It's also about being an adult enforcing some boundaries because absolutely nobody needs to be checked up.on.

This is perfect, and expresses the fundamental issue so much better than I ever could.

I fear you are right and I hope people's own children don't treat them with such contempt when they want to know they are safe. You don't stop being a parent and being concerned when your children reach 18, it's not a control thing it's care and love most of the time.

Do you have children? I'm assuming that you won't be concerned about their safety when travelling or text them when you haven't heard from them?

It's not sweet at all. It's creepy and unnecessary.

What a weird response to that poster who simply talked about how hard it is remembering all these things to be mindful of, after your exhortations to put MILs ‘mind at rest’.

So is it only MILs that should have their ‘minds at rest’, then?

Some of us have children than already travel near or over an hour to school. I don’t expect my child to text me to say he got to school.

Just like when he gets a bus again over an hour to visit friends I don’t check up on him that his got there or make him text to say his got to his girlfriends safely.

If he needs me he will contact me. If he doesn’t contact his fine. No news, is good news. Nothing to report all fine and dandy.

Well the MILs are certainly out in force to enforce their position.

Thankfully my own MIL is sensible and pragmatic.

My lovely friend I have known for 30 years? Don’t be such a cynic, I feel quite sorry for you, if that’s your view on life.

Was there marmite everywhere? This is the sort of thing I WOULD have wanted a blow-by-blow account of.

you said ‘an unusual or longer journeys’, my ‘ANY’ was quoting you as I was surprised. Now you’re saying if you go on holiday.

I go away a lot and I communicate with my DM as I care about her and she lives alone, but it might be day 2 or 3 and I’ll share pics. Me arriving in the middle of the UK night is not something we are going to text about. My DM just went to France, I’d have known soon enough if Ryan Air lost a plane, as it was she sent some pics of the party and her friends new place

Very surprised by everyone (majority going by the comments) who thinks this is annoying so I am wondering whether this is just a cultural thing? In a lot of countries family members or even friends would normally ask you to tell them if you arrived safely and would be worried if you don't say anything so pinning it down to just a cultural thing?

Noone is talking about texting whether they got to school or friends but if your child drove to the other end of the country and didn't text for a few days, you wouldn't want them to check in?

I’m guilty of this, so thank you for making me more aware of how my behaviour affects others. In my defence, my brother was killed in a road accident so most people understand my anxiety, but it’s my issue.

So you do contact them? But your contact is all positive and not to do with anxiety or control, but everyone else is a neurotic mess who thinks the world is ending if they don’t hear from their relatives. Got it.

It’s not anxiety. It’s not checking up. It’s communication with people important in your life.

my mum would be like that - if I let her.
for her it's a control thing.
I just don't tell her about everytime I leave the house anymore.
if it's about meeting up it's fair does

I’d love to know how much of women’s time is taken up by tasks that ‘take 5 seconds’. Put a load on, text DGPs, pick something up from the shops, wipe the counters, pick things up from where someone dumped them, get a card on Moonpig, ‘shove something in the oven’. So so many women are told that so many things take no time. And they spend their lives doing them.

It’s death by a thousand tasks and women are expected to do all of them. Because it’s 5 seconds’.