Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

A school trip is an every day thing n of course it doesn’t call for a text. A more unusual trip - well, it’s just nice to know how things are going, and from my perspective I like t9 text DD because I’m apparently crass enough to be excited about unsustainable trips and also relieved to be home after them.

I’m nobody’s MiL. I think it’s nice to communicate with my immediate family 🤷‍♀️

I’d assume he was safe and having a good time.

His no more at risk regardless of where he is actually located. Unless he decides to fly off to Afghanistan or something. Manchester Dorset Scotland Wales I’d expect he arrived nice and safe. Just like his again school trip with zero coms the whole trip from school to Belgium.

Be nice to get a photo of a cool mountain or the beach or squirrel stealing nuts or maybe a friend getting dive bombed by seagulls. But no day two or three maybe pop a hope your having a good time message or maybe I’m sending a funny photo. Maybe dad fell though his chair into the pool 😂 again…

My brother travels the world and doesn’t check in, mum doesn’t let me know when she’s landed in Mexico or where ever in fact most of the time I forget she’s going. Couldn’t tell you the name of the hotel or what time her flight was. I know when the in-laws are away as it’s peaceful 😅

An unusual or longer journey would be a holiday trip surely?
Theres an awful lot of faux confusion on this thread.

Because it’s not expected or demanded contact. Sometimes I could be somewhere 4/5 days before I feel like sharing a single photo.

It’s the demand of having to keep someone updated on your trip.

Nope. No need for it to be a woman texting.

You gave an example of sending a view from your delayed car journey. I wouldn’t do that, but I would text when I got home, or if I was very delayed - more to moan in that case.
Not doing something you normally would do because someone asks you to do it seems very petty and unpleasant.

Not if you have family in Manchester and you live in London. I’m not faux confused, you occupy a space that is totally out of my experience. I find it odd, you clearly find my perspective odd too. No biggie, but your life appears simpler maybe than mine.

Sorry I didn’t mean a view from a car view. My misleading there.

I mean a view from the lodge or hotel or just a view on a walk in the location we are.

Only time I’ve sent a in car view photo we were following a logging truck and it was all a bit final destination and actually even then I posted it on Instagram not to an individual.

It’s not about being too busy. It’s about the unnecessary expectation and feeding anxiety. I refuse to send ‘ home safely’ messages . The likelihood of me not being safe is tiny. . If I did so routinely and one day forgot to , panic ensues! Fortunately car journeys are statistically very safe.

But the MIL is bugging OP, not her son! And you seem fine with that.

I agree. But in this case it actually is 5 seconds and will make a huge difference to another person’s peace of mind…

My Dad did that - also weekends at 8 am are you up yet - once we had the kids we were up and I remember saying why are you ringing if you thought I wouldn't be up. I did just rolled with it - even when sick.

I think I found the travel ones harder- as we were tired and busy with young kids - also texting and waiting till convenient just didn't work. It was anxiety driven but still got to me at times.

Mind you nothing compares to MIL 30 phone calls to mobile/landline in 40 minutes when told we were sorry bit busy and DH would ring as soon as possible in an hour - she agreed that was fine with me then started insane ringing. She didn't want anything nothing was wrong it was so stressful though DH exploded at her. When we got an answer machine she'd ring and wait till the beep recording bit and then put phone down and then immediately do the same we'd come back to 15 -20 such messages and last one her moaning off to someone no-one was picking up. That was more main player syndrome - well DH take.

I would tell her you will update when you arrive and then mute and archive the conversation for the duration of your journey. Then you can just send one message when you arrive. Or let DH do it since it's his parents. I think you sending one message is not unreasonable, but having to field constant enquiries when you are travelling is ridiculous. And definitely don't answer the phone! Maybe change her ringtone to silent too.

Do you think you will magically stop panicking about your children once they're 18? I hate to shatter your illusion but the worry never stops.

My DM said when questioned on when the worry stops said: ‘when you die’. She still doesn’t expect me to let her know my whereabouts!

Your use of the word panicking is quite enlightening…

100% this , share less, tell less, not your issue

We used to do the three rings thing. Three rings as we were setting off.
Three rings to say we were home.
👌

Do you think you will magically stop panicking about your children once they're 18?

I have a 19 year old at second year at uni and don't panic about her - I trust her judgement and ablity to nagivate the world.

My parents did when dropping me off at uni suddenly panic about all the things they'd never explained or let me do. I did try and learn from that so made sure DD1 was experinced as much as possible in looking out for herself and knew how to access help from us and others.

Accidents do happen but I've no reason to think her more at risk than anyone else.

It's normal insomuch as it seems to be a habit, but it isn't rational.

If it is so necessary to answer these requests and send the texts then why? If it isn't to settle a worry that the person has? An anxious worry?

If it doesn't affect their mental health then we don't need to be doing it, do we?

My life is simpler than yours because I like to communicate with my family? Weird judgement.

Yore very literal about this. It’s not about safety really. It’s about communication and mutual care and respect. Of course you’ll more than likely get home safely. Do you really think I most people expect something else?

No, I’ve said she’s OTT. More than once. I’m making more general points to other posters.

It’s neither logical nor necessary. It’s just nice. Like lots of things in life.

Some people might think it’s nice. OP doesn’t and I agree with her.