Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

Well,as the goal of many Mumsnetters seems to be to detach their dp from his family of origin as much and as quickly as possible, there’s plenty of useful tips on this thread!

But it’s not nice for OP. The MIL texts her, not her son. Do you not think that’s unfair?

No because you said you don’t go away a lot and you couldn’t imagine what a long journey that might be that wasn’t a holiday.

I don’t have the headspace for anything more and I’m not worrying about stuff that has never happened. I do communicate with my family, but about other things that I clearly give more priority too. I’d not push that out of the way to check in on travel success. I’m only on here so much today as I have Covid and my GCSE taking daughter has banished me to my room, otherwise I’d be doing stuff. I can’t be bothered to work, no TV, so…

Why is it necessary for OP to text her MIL updates in order to ensure her DH does not detach from his mother?

I think the best course of action would be for op to say she's not getting involved in the texts/ communication when travelling. Her husband can communicate with his mother should he wish.

Where did I say I don’t go away a lot? I go away plenty. I wouldn’t say I don’t because it’s not the case. I also didn’t say I ‘couldn’t imagine’ what a long journey that isn’t a holiday might be. I said an unusual journey would likely be a holiday.
Your second paragraph makes no sense, sorry.

A close family member died in a car accident so I'm afraid I am like your in law's .
All I need is a quick WhatsApp to say they have arrived safely and I can relax.
Surely that's not too much to ask?

Phones rather than texts I think. Which I said is OTT.i assume she phones the OP because she isn’t the driver.
It all really hinges on whether you see communication around journeys as anxiety driven and controlling or nice and communicative. I suspect it’s almost always the latter.

But the DH can talk when his journey has ended as he won’t travelling anymore.

OP does not find the communication ‘nice and communicative’, she’s rightly fed up.

It’s the call when they are past the ETA I think. Which I’ve said is OTT. In general, I think it’s nice, and not motivated by anxiety or controlling, to keep relatives informed after a long journey.

Might be the fever 😂
and clearly I’m conflating you and others responses.

In essence, yes I send my mum pics when I’m away, I just couldn’t be agreeing to it being the first thing I did within an hour (or so) of arriving. It would be another bloody commitment in my over committed life and I’d no doubt forget!

I find it really fascinating that some posters think this isn't anxiety driven, and believe this to be a perfectly normal expectation and concern. It really goes to show how your attitudes towards mental health is shaped by your upbringing. Being raised in an anxious household where parents felt threat was around every corner, even into adulthood, certainly does a number on people. It's so sad to see.

Or caring about your family could come from, I don't know, loving them? Or taking an interest in their lives? If people can't see that it probably says something about their upbringing

There’s a huge difference between anxiety as a diagnosis and worry-which comes with being a parent to a greater or lesser degree. Wanting to know your children are safely home is not pathological!

Respond with “still travelling but will ring tomorrow”
They'll say “let us know when you get there”
You say “will do if we remember but likely to forget so will ring you tomorrow”
Then ignore. It’s not your job to enable their anxiety

Caring about family is keeping in touch, socialising, remembering important events etc.

Can you not see how it's anxiety driven to need to be 100% certain every time your child travels a distance they got there on time, and to have to reach out to satisfy that need if they're more than ten minutes 'out'? I would have thought it's quite clearly problematic anxiety, for someone to jump to 'if they're more than 10m late something awful must have happened I'll ring them and check'?

What does MIL think has happened? A horrible fiery car crash? What other concerning reason could there be for being a bit late? It's odd that she doesn't just surmise that they stopped off for a coffee or had an extra nappy change or pulled over to let the baby nap or left a bit late or literally any mundane thing?

The expectation of having to check in would drive me up the wall, but I'm lucky to have parents that don't assume the worse will happen during every trip, and who trust me as a grown adult to reach out if I need help or handle it myself, and trust me that I can get to my destination without needing to remember to inform them, because they don't see themselves as my keepers or see me as weak and incapable.

It's just all very bizarre honestly, and I guess people who have grown up with those kinds of expectations don't find it suffocating or odd, however from the outside, it certain is suffocating and odd. And doing MIL no favours honestly in the long run to keep fuelling her anxiety with reassurance, thus perpetuating her anxiety cycle. She's a grown adult that can choose to learn better ways of managing her anxiety. Clearly it bothers OP.

Because that’s the best way to treat family….

I think it depends on why. If someone is so anxious they start texting or phoning if you’re ten mins late, or wanting constant updates throughout the journey then I’m not sure it’s helpful to feed that anxiety.
My son had literally texted ten mins ago to say landed safely, hotel is fab just going to dinner.

I wasn’t in the least worried but nice to hear.

I’ve said the joining for a few minutes lateness is OTT. I can assure you it’s not anxiety and often forget DD is even travelling until I get a message that she’s arrived. It’s just normal
communication

I don't feel anxious about my Dad travelling home after visiting me but it's nice getting a little text saying he's arrived etc. I wouldn't be checking the clock and worrying that he didn't text the second he was supposed to arrive. But as it's our custom to text I'd probably check in with him if he didn't text before the end of the day.

It's nice to know where your family are and how they are doing. Feel like there's two camps on here - those who grew up with 'check ins' and those who didn't.

When everyone in your family does it, it doesn't feel like a burden.

When everyone in your family does it, it doesn't feel like a burden.

I think there's a difference though between it being a voluntary family custom or norm, and someone demanding it for reassurance of OTT anxiety. That's when it does start to become an obligation and potentially a burden.

You say that like it’s a good thing.

That does seem a little extreme!

Just to clarify, since there seems to be a heated debate!

My question was not about whether people should let family know they have arrived safely - we all agree that this is common courtesy and depends on your family traditions, circumstances etc.

Instead I wondered about the calls post ETA time and whether my reaction was OTT. My PILs anxiety and it's affect on DP is the crux of it, and I want to try to protect my kids from that