Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

I care whether my daughter gets somewhere safely. She cares whether I do. So we text each other. We aren’t obsessively anxious about it. And the faux confusion about why you would do it for a longer/unusual journey when you are more likely to get injured at home/on the way to the supermarket is just a bit silly.

Maybe they would see it because they are unable to sleep knowing you are on a long car journey late at night and are worried you may breakdown !

Why would they wait up? A text can be seen the next morning. It’s just a nice thing to do to let people know you got home it’s not a new thing either. As PPs have said, it used to be 3 rings on the landline.

When who doesn’t like what?
The MiL cares (I have said I think the call for short delays is OTT).
It takes seconds to send a quick text. You can even lie and head off the ‘you’re late are you ok’ call if you send it early. But most people aren’t asking for/expecting it out of anxiety and yet loads of people are refusing a pretty normal and well established behaviour. It predates mobiles as I and PPs have said.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘ANY longer travel’ and why it horrifies you. I mean going on hols, either here or abroad. And neither I nor DD ask for it, we just do it - often with a pic of accommodation if it’s hols because we are both interested.

We are both positive people too - I’m not anxious about the travel and neither is she. I don’t expect anything bad to happen. It’s just nice to know someone has got where they are going.
Neither of us do it for regular long journeys.
I’m actually pretty surprised so many don't do this and view it as controlling or anxiety fuelled. It’s something pretty much everyone I know does.

Send the text whether you’re home or not. Don’t answer the phone. I agree that sort of behaviour is annoying, but so many people’s point blank refusal to entertain a pretty normal behaviour of letting people know you’re home safe is baffling. They aren’t all dealing with these levels of behaviour.

It’s not step by step updates 9n your whole life though is it? It’s just updates on a journey.

“Arrived safely”

You must have really complicated and unpredictable journeys. Traffic aside I can usually estimate pretty accurately. I know there’ll be loo stops on a journey longer than about 2 hours, I know if it’s going over a meal time, I know if there’s something I plan to see on the way back. If I gave a time estimate I’d work that in anyway. It really wouldn’t need extra texts.

I agree with this in theory.

But it sets something off in me.

These days I seem to be required, by the Law of Be Kind to address every irrational anxiety of friends and family. It feels like death by a thousand emotional micro burdens.

I do it, I try and do it as a 5 second emotionally neutral job, but I see it as irrational anxiety haven’t mastered my own response to these ‘arrived safely’ messages, and every outing with friends adjusted to allow for newly acquired claustrophobia, vertigo (ditto), food regimes, mythical infection risks, not being out after dark etc etc.

It is exhausting!

When might people be expected to take responsibility for their own irrational anxieties?

It’s not about anxiety. People aren’t anxious. Why do you all keep pretending everyone who likes a travel update is an anxious wreck with poor mental health? It’s a perfectly normal thing to do or to want.

YANBU, this would drive me mad! They're shunting their anxiety onto you to manage. It isn't okay.

It’s not care from MIL if she knows her son and OP don’t like it.

Odd that you’re advocating lying. Much better to be honest and say that you can’t be expected to remember to text after every journey and that it’s an unfair expectation.

My elderly mum goes for a walk daily and as she no longer has good mobility, we asked if she would take her mobile with her in case she had a fall.

She said she would prefer not to.

And that’s her choice, I won’t bother her about it repeatedly, which is what you and others are fine with MIL doing to OP.

It’s not pointless because they don’t see it until the morning, because it’s not supposed to allay any terrible anxiety. They’ll go to bed and sleep (because not anxious wrecks) then wake up and see over their morning cuppa that you are home. Job done.

You could start with your own irrational anxiety and irritation about doing something that’s been a norm for years - back to 3 rings on the landline.

Where does it say the son ( op husband) doesn't like it? In fact if he's giving his mum info in the first place I would guess he does

It’s. Not. Always. Anxiety.
It’s just normal communication.
(I’ve agreed the checking call 10 mins after eta would be OTT)

I’m not ok with badgering. I just think refusing to do it is unnecessary. I think your mum is being silly and unnecessarily difficult too.

Ok then, because he’s not being asked, it’s OP. and she doesn’t like it, so it should be stopped. They can ask their son.

I don’t understand why you think people who communicate more than you do are less independent.

My in-laws are the same. It really annoys me as once we've had a long journey with kids we've usually got to carry them to bed asleep or in the old days change nappies etc. No time for texting. Infuriating

That-to use a Mumsnet staple-sounds like a you-problem.

Do that then text?