Parents in law obsession with arriving safely

[Brentinger]

AIBU that it drives me mad that my parents in law have to ask us and call us every single time we travel to make sure if we arrive safely ?

If we give an eta and go over for whatever reasons (traffic, food stop, nappy change etc ) they will call us to check 10 minutes after our eta.

It comes from my MIL being anxious and over involved, which I get - but post kids, this habit is driving me crazy. We travel a decent amount by car and anything over 2 hours away automatically gets us our ETA checked .

Years ago I had to phone DM house number, let it ring twice, then hang up! She knew I’d arrived safely. No idea why/when it stopped though!

Every time you travel - what counts as travel? Driving to town 20 mins away? International flight?

@Brentinger Well perhaps you are lucky enough never to experience anxiety about any subject matter.
If a family member albeit an in law does suffer from this horrible mental illness then surely, out of kindness it’s no problem to give reassurance.
It could be that you will worry about car journeys when your children are grown up & then you’ll understand.
Regarding your DC, surely it’s nice to teach them to be kind & not adopt the ‘It’s not my problem’ stance.

Yes - I think in that case it's OTT - tracking the time and starting to worry at the exact ETA definitely seems anxiety driven.

I think you'll have to resort to managing her expectations by not giving her an ETA. Saying you might be doing various things on the way home but will let her know you are home safely sometime before bedtime / x-time.

The thing is though reassurance doesn't help in the long term, if someone genuinely has an anxiety disorder. Part of the "treatment" is to reduce reassurance seeking behaviours. It may seem "kind" to reassure a highly anxious person, but it creates more issues if they then become dependent on that external reassurance and therefore less able to use any of their own resources to tolerate uncertainty.

In my own experience of anxiety over 40 years, unfortunately it never really goes away despite withdrawal of reassurance.
If the PIL in question is reasonably ‘old’ it will be the same for them.
As this is family I am inclined to be pleasant!!

I want to understand how much of your private business is shared with PIL. A quick car journey to the shops, or a family day out when they are not involved? Does your DP share this information with them to this level? A holiday, long flight or a journey back from them is different.

It's totally unkind to do this because it feeds their anxiety and makes it worse.
How can you not see this?

Before mobile phones my mother would ask me to phone and let it ring 3 times to signal I was home. I think it's an easy thing to do to put their mind at rest.

I am about as anxious as a potato. I still like to know my adult children are safely home.

Same. It’s not anxiety. I mean, it is fr some cases I guess, but the determination on this thread that anyone who gives a shit that their family have a nice trip home/away is quivering with anxiety is most odd.
I care about DD (and others). It’s a normal part of communication to have a vague idea that they’ve completed travel and are ok.

It's the opposite of kind to feed it, because it fuels the anxiety and keeps it going. Kind would be to not feed it, so the PIL will either get treatment or find ways to manage their own anxiety. Saying it's kind to offer that reassurance is like saying it's kind for a nurse friend to tell a sibling with health anxiety their rash isn't skin cancer for the tenth time that week. It isn't. It fuels the disorder.

It’s not disordered to have a passing interest in the wellbeing of your family when they go on a long or unusual trip.

I really do feel for people with anxiety and I have nothing against a quick "home safe", but I think some of us on this thread are talking at cross purposes. I can only speak for my family's experience but DH's mum, who chases us several times for the "home safe" text before we are even home, has never mentioned being anxious. He used to travel all over the world for work and she barely noticed. It's more a politeness thing for her - it's that she thinks it's rude if we don't text so she chases up multiple times to see if we're being rude or not.

Edit: Well, I say "to see if we're being rude" but it's me she texts, and copies DH in if I don't reply quickly enough

Is it really too much trouble to send a very quick short text to someone who worries to let them know you are home safe? I mean, honestly, it takes moments of your precious life and could stop someone from worrying.

Be bloody grateful that you actually have someone that cares enough about you to want to know you are safe.

We , as a family have never done this . No news is good news . If anyone in the family had a car crash or something then I’m sure someone would let me know . The only person I have a tracker on is my dog because she is an escape artist 😂

No that’s not right, love isn’t that, love is letting them go , that’s what we are teaching kids from day one to be separate people.

my parents aren’t like this, don’t think they give a fuck actually! Which is odd as I was horrifically parentified and enmeshed with my mum. She had to have her emotions soothed and managed by me at all times from being very young but suppose this wasn’t one of her hang ups.

This may not be a popular opinion but I have a big issue with people making their anxiety everyone else's problem. I know it's horrible for the anxious person but its their affliction and not for others to constantly manage. Plus it's ineffective anyhow as they just find something else to be anxious about moments later.

Letting them go doesn’t mean stopping caring. What an odd viewpoint.

For the 1836648291647926275940th time on this thread.
It’s. Not. Anxiety.
It is for some. For most it’s not.

Well, as I said before-I like to know when my adult children are safe home and I am as anxious as a cabbage.

But, setting that aside, I can’t imagine circumstances where I would deliberately not do something that took me 5 seconds and eased an anxious person’s mind.

All the other people who have said it if you have read the thread. Plus common sense. Where’s your evidence for it being anxiety? Or is it just your opinion touted as fact?
Edit in response to your reply to @CurlewKate referencing me - most people aren’t madly anxious. I think we can agree that. So why would this fairly normal behaviour (normal enough that saying ‘three rings’ to pretty much anyone of a certain age has a clear meaning) be fuelled by anxiety?