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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is friend a CF? Wedding Edition!

184 replies

Goldfish92 · 01/06/2025 21:45

Finally after many years & cancelling and rebooking our wedding, me and DH to be are tying the knot this summer.

A few weeks ago, DFriend announces she has booked her own wedding a couple of weeks later. This itself would never be an issue, I realise I do not have a monopoly on wedding and I’m not the only bride in the world!

However…

As we’re trying to save money wherever we can, I have been making lots of the decor/favours/flowers etc for my wedding. I had been sharing a lot of this with DF as we share everything & are very close. She had now started to say, firstly jokingly now seriously that she’ll have all my decor after me (for free!) and she likes all my ideas etc. She’s asking what my dress is like, what food, music etc too.

I’m also feeling pressured to help with her wedding when I already feel maxed out trying to get everything done for ours with 6 weeks to go! I’ve stopped sharing things with her as it’s a) making me feel uncomfortable but b) like she’s stealing my wedding! I’d also quite like to resell as much as possible and I feel pressured to give it all to her! It’s also making me feel like my day isn’t my own.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Springadorable · 01/06/2025 21:47

Just say that of course she can have it, you were planning on listing it all as a bundle on marketplace for £800 but she can have it for £600 if she's keen and no worries if she's not.

And leave the ball in her court.

Gundogday · 01/06/2025 21:50

First post nails it.

Also, yes to not telling her everything.

If you haven’t got capacity to help her at the moment, then tell her. Just say that so busy with last minute preparations, that you’re unable to give her any time until after your wedding, and then you’ll be happy to help.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 01/06/2025 21:51

She's a CF indeed; but surely she isn't wanting to serve the leftovers from your fortnight-old food for her own wedding (or worse, what the food will naturally become), is she?!

Lmnop22 · 01/06/2025 21:54

Just say she had better make other plans for wedding decor as you don’t know whether they’ll be damaged/stained/knocked over etc etc at your wedding so don’t want her to rely on having them just in case…..

Catinthereallysmallhat · 01/06/2025 21:56

CF to expect free shit. Tell her no. Simply as that.

nomas · 01/06/2025 21:58

Stop helping her! Tell her you’r busy with your own wedding.

And don’t give her a thing!

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/06/2025 22:02

Springadorable · 01/06/2025 21:47

Just say that of course she can have it, you were planning on listing it all as a bundle on marketplace for £800 but she can have it for £600 if she's keen and no worries if she's not.

And leave the ball in her court.

This 🙌

Original poster
Goldfish92 · 01/06/2025 22:11

Thanks all, it’s not just the money it’s really taking the sparkle off for me too, I just feel like it will be really odd to attend her wedding looking exactly like mine a few weeks later. I’ve also worked really hard on some things and it’s making me really sad knowing I can’t share them with her as I would normally. She also asked about flower girl dresses etc! It’s also the effort I’ve put in to all of this for my day not hers as well ☹️

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 01/06/2025 22:16

Just say no. You want to keep everything.

Or offer to sell it to her if you want

MissSookieStackhouse · 01/06/2025 22:23

Make it very clear to her that you won’t be giving anything away for free as you’re planning to sell things on to help recoup some of your costs. Tell her she’s welcome to buy it at the prices you were planning to sell them for and not a penny less - no mates rates!! Chances are she’ll lose interest when she realises that you’re not going to just hand over your entire wedding paraphernalia for free!

TwattyMcFuckFace · 01/06/2025 22:27

I'd love to help out a friend like this and make her wedding much easier and cheaper given how stressful and expensive they can be.

But if I wanted to or needed to sell the bits on I'd make that clear.

Just make a decision and let her know but don't let it add to your own wedding stress Flowers

GreenDragonisLoose · 01/06/2025 22:28

Going against the grain but this wouldn't bother me! It's a compliment that she loves your ideas and plans.

Plus, your wedding is first - so it will be obvious for any mutual guests that yours is the 'original'. And I'm sure she will have her own ideas mixed in too. all weddings seem much the same to me...

I wouldn't give her stuff for free though if you were planning to sell and money is tight. First post suggestion is great.

Winter2020 · 01/06/2025 22:33

Perhaps you could be honest with your friend and say what you have said here that the thought of her wedding being identical to yours is taking the sparkle off things for you, you want your wedding to be unique, so you won't be sharing your wedding stuff. You hope she understands but there are many lovely colour schemes/themes etc - she doesn't need to use yours.

If she is reasonable she will reflect and understand. If she chooses to have a huff so be it.

Marooney · 01/06/2025 22:50

I would send pics of completely different flower girl dresses etc. Maybe hideous ones so she doesn't ask for them. Then when she sees the real ones at your wedding, say their parents decided to buy them something different and they're not yours to give. You could send her a fake Spotify playlist as well.

RawBloomers · 01/06/2025 23:06

Just be up front with her.

Jane, you need to plan your own wedding. I'm going to sell the stuff on ebay, I've put too much work into it not to try and recoup some costs and I don't want to see all my stuff in a carbon copy wedding two weeks later. I know it's a lot of work, I'm in the middle of it right now, but you can't just spring board off my efforts at my expense.

TwinklyNight · 01/06/2025 23:34

Winter2020 · 01/06/2025 22:33

Perhaps you could be honest with your friend and say what you have said here that the thought of her wedding being identical to yours is taking the sparkle off things for you, you want your wedding to be unique, so you won't be sharing your wedding stuff. You hope she understands but there are many lovely colour schemes/themes etc - she doesn't need to use yours.

If she is reasonable she will reflect and understand. If she chooses to have a huff so be it.

This a million times.

nomas · 02/06/2025 02:58

Goldfish92 · 01/06/2025 22:11

Thanks all, it’s not just the money it’s really taking the sparkle off for me too, I just feel like it will be really odd to attend her wedding looking exactly like mine a few weeks later. I’ve also worked really hard on some things and it’s making me really sad knowing I can’t share them with her as I would normally. She also asked about flower girl dresses etc! It’s also the effort I’ve put in to all of this for my day not hers as well ☹️

I think she’s done it deliberately to take the shine from your wedding.

I would go go far as to say she is not a friend, but a frenemy.

Tbrh · 02/06/2025 04:58

Goldfish92 · 01/06/2025 22:11

Thanks all, it’s not just the money it’s really taking the sparkle off for me too, I just feel like it will be really odd to attend her wedding looking exactly like mine a few weeks later. I’ve also worked really hard on some things and it’s making me really sad knowing I can’t share them with her as I would normally. She also asked about flower girl dresses etc! It’s also the effort I’ve put in to all of this for my day not hers as well ☹️

If you really feel like this, just tell her no. But honestly, it won't be the same anyway so I'd sell it and get some money back. Do it sooner, rather than later

Tbrh · 02/06/2025 05:03

Or you could tell her it's a bit weird and creepy, and you're getting single white female vibes at the thought of going to a wedding the same as yours. Lots of good suggestions on here. Absolutely stop telling her or showing her anything. Is she a good friend? See hiw she reacts to whatever you decide and it might give you a good excuse to uninvited her. Or maybe you already can if you haven't finalised numbers. Just talk to her, she probably doesn't realise.

Codlingmoths · 02/06/2025 05:10

I think if I booked a wedding two
weeks after a good friends, I’d have built into my expectations that they are far too busy to help. ‘Oh sorry Jane I can’t organise that, I’m busy doing it for my own wedding!’

I can’t do that, mums asked me round to got through seating.
I can’t do that dh and I are having dinner with his best man
i Can’t do that…

Codlingmoths · 02/06/2025 05:11

And with amazing decorations, dress etc say oh I really want it to be a surprise!!
rhe idea someone suggested to say of course you can have it , i was going to list it on eBay with a buy it now of x but you can have it for y is perfect too.

Koalafan · 02/06/2025 05:13

I can't really help with planning your wedding because I need to focus on my own, sorry, but maybe you'll find some ideas on [insert random websites/magazine names]. I wasn't planning to pass my decorations on either, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you've come up with on your big day. 😉

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 02/06/2025 09:33

I wouldn't even be happy selling the stuff to her afterwards - although I'm sure she would pull the same excuse as CFs do when they want to go on a long journey with you but insist that they shouldn't have to contribute anything to the petrol because "You're already going there anyway".

It's one thing if you sell all of your wedding stuff to a bride(s) who is a stranger to you, and with no crossover of guests between their wedding and yours.

It's quite a different matter when somebody effectively wants to recreate your wedding - with many people present there who were at yours - only with you having basically paid for their wedding as well as yours plus them having a couple of weeks' extra time to think about any slight hitches that happened at yours and which could be ironed out for theirs, thus making their wedding look even better organised than your own.

Surprisedcupcake · 02/06/2025 09:40

Tell her you've already promised your wedding decor to someone vague like a friend of a friend or a work friend. Or pretend you put it in a box and left it on your drive and accidentally ran over it with your car after your wedding so she can't have it 😂 your friend sounds a bit weird.

DappledThings · 02/06/2025 09:43

I think you're overestimating how much decor matters. It won't look like your wedding because it will be different people in the same place.

One friend of mine had about 200m of bunting her mum made. That bunting then got used at two more weddings and a 40th birthday. It was nice it got reused after all the effort that went into it.