Is friend a CF? Wedding Edition!

[Goldfish92]

Finally after many years & cancelling and rebooking our wedding, me and DH to be are tying the knot this summer.

A few weeks ago, DFriend announces she has booked her own wedding a couple of weeks later. This itself would never be an issue, I realise I do not have a monopoly on wedding and I’m not the only bride in the world!

However…

As we’re trying to save money wherever we can, I have been making lots of the decor/favours/flowers etc for my wedding. I had been sharing a lot of this with DF as we share everything & are very close. She had now started to say, firstly jokingly now seriously that she’ll have all my decor after me (for free!) and she likes all my ideas etc. She’s asking what my dress is like, what food, music etc too.

I’m also feeling pressured to help with her wedding when I already feel maxed out trying to get everything done for ours with 6 weeks to go! I’ve stopped sharing things with her as it’s a) making me feel uncomfortable but b) like she’s stealing my wedding! I’d also quite like to resell as much as possible and I feel pressured to give it all to her! It’s also making me feel like my day isn’t my own.

AIBU?!

You’ve changed / would like to change the boundaries of this friendship but you haven’t communicated that.

I had been sharing a lot of this with DF as we share everything & are very close.

It seems like you have some ideas she’d like to translate into her own wedding. But also, she’s hardly going to say - ‘that sounds awful’ to things you have planned.

If you’re throwing out your decs, then she’d probably love to reuse them. But you’re not, you want to sell them. So tell her that. Perhaps she’s happy to chip in a contribution for them. Nobody will notice (guests don’t pay that much attention). If you don’t want her to have them, tell her. Make up an excuse.

(Said with kindness) I do think you’re otherwise being a little precious about it. And maybe it’s just the stress of the day being so close.

If she asks for details just say
I'm keeping things / details as a surprise.

Just tell her you can’t think about anything else at the moment but your wedding, and you are sorry but you can’t help with hers as much as she wants as you simply don’t have the time

as to the decorations if she mentions them again be honest, it’s even expensive and you want to recoupe some money so you are selling them for xx. She is welcome to first dibs but if she can’t pay then they will be sold elsewhere

If you don't want to tell her what you are planning for your wedding just tell her you want things to be a surprise on the day. It's a compliment really that she wants to copy your ideas. You can offer to sell things to her (and if any guests notice that she has decor or other details the same as your wedding they will be thinking she has copied you).

Well if she's your friend, tell her this

The OP needs to have a possibly awkward conversation, not tell a series of lies to her friend 🙄

If the same people will be going to both the weddings, those that notice will see that it is a carbon copy of yours as yours is first! Most people won't notice though.
Let her know that she can use all your decorations but you will have to sell them to her as you can't afford to lose the money!
Say you are keeping the wedding dress a secret from everyone as you want to have one surprise on the day.
No need to fall out over this, just be firm.

When I was planning a wedding I asked loads of people what they were having/what they’d had at their wedding, it’s called research? It doesn’t mean she’s planning to do all the same things as you.

Reading carefully it looks like the decor is the only bit she’s outright said she’d like to be the same? What kind of thing are we talking? How distinctive is it?

Yes obviously, but seeing that she's posted on here rather than doing that I assume more drastic measures will be needed..

If she asks again just laugh and say Oh I thought you were joking. No one wants to go all "single,white female" in real life do they?

Not happening!

Either ask for money or say what you've said to us - "jokingly" it might be weird to attend a wedding that's the same as mine!

I think it's one of those things where the stress of the situation can cloud judgement and being a self-aware person the OP has posted for suggestions how to deal with things instead of perhaps going with her instinct which might be to say something quite blunt or say nothing and then regret that.

I would just tell her that I’m planning to resell what I can to recoup the costs so if she wants to buy some things she can let me know and we can make an arrangement based on that. It’s very reasonable as she would have to go and spend money anyways.

If it makes you feel any better, one of my friends got the same wedding dress as the other one without telling her, she went over to the next town to buy it. My friend only found out at the wedding.

We had lots of friend weddings around the same time and decorations were shared freely, the same lanterns were probably used at 10 weddings I was at before being passed to someone outside my circle. That part wouldn’t bother me at all.

I’d suggest keeping anything of sentimental value and letting her have the rest. Be clear as to whether they are hers to pass on or you expect them back. If the stuff you’re making is really complicated or time consuming could you also ask her to help or at least explain that to her?

If you really think you can sell for a decent amount you could explain that to her and name your price but I would think about the hassle of storage for example. If she’s talking them, can she take them straight from the venue and save you a job? That’s worth quite a lot.

If your wedding are at different venues I think it’s really unlikely that they will feel like the same wedding based gig what you’re described. It’s normal that your focus is on your own wedding now but hopefully you’ll be able to share your friend’s excitement too.

If she's such a good friend I don't understand why you don't just tell her his you feel. Wedding decorations, as pp have said, feel very important in the run up to a wedding but they're really not worth losing a friendship over. If money is tight, ask her to pay what you think is reasonable otherwise I think most people would see that a good friend is far more important than table decorations that nobody other than you will really remember.

Is she struggling with money?
Id take it as a compliment that she wanted my used wedding bits. It’s not going to take the shine off your wedding as you’re getting married first.
what were you planning to do with the stuff? If you were planning to sell it, tell her. If you were planning to keep it as a keepsake then tell her.

Could be amazing. Go halves!

Thats not a real friend.
Thats a real CF right in front of you.

I would be seriously unimpressed.
I would tell her that she is absolutely spoiling your build up knowing she is eyeing everything up with a view to how it will useful to her.

Grabby, tacky and not on.
I think this could really sour how you view her.

You have lots of suggestions about adding on that you have been on a tight budget and will be selling it all on as a bundle.

Whether you want to sell it on to her is something to think about.

I think all the people saying she should just give this stuff to her friend as that's what true friends do are missing the point that if friend was a good friend, she'd be sitting with OP on her days off work making the stuff with her, not just trying to blag handmade wedding stuff from her mate as a cop-out for either getting her finger out and making her own stuff or buying some stuff.
If the friend was making some wedding stuff for her own wedding and offered to share some of it with OP, they could both fairly share stuff between the weddings (if both actually wanted to), but as it stands this is totally one-sided and OP is not wrong for wondering if her friend is a CF.

I'd be personalising as much stuff as possible so she can't use it

If her wedding is only about 8 weeks away, surely she’s already planned her dress/flower girl dresses/decorations etc?

Hi,

Sorry friend but I haven't decided yet what I'm selling and what I'm keeping / gifting to different people so don't rely on me. I also don't want to have to figure out a price list on top of everything else. I'm going to tackle all of that after the honeymoon etc. Plus I wouldn't want the stress of worrying about things getting ruined on the day.

How is the friend a cheerleader for OP’s wedding? She’s scheduled her own wedding two weeks after OPs and won’t stop going on about how she’s going to use OP’s things at her own wedding.In the friend’s eyes, OP’s wedding may as well be over.

Exactly. None of the people telling OP to give the CF the stuff would actually give it away themselves, they just think it makes them sound good to strangers.

Tbh I'd use it as an opportunity to say why don't we do it together and split costs.but I'm not a wedding type person and think it's all hype.

Say you happy to share costs or sell. Or if you don't want to see the same things at her wedding (?) .. juts say you not sure what you doing with stuff after.