Is friend a CF? Wedding Edition!

[Goldfish92]

Finally after many years & cancelling and rebooking our wedding, me and DH to be are tying the knot this summer.

A few weeks ago, DFriend announces she has booked her own wedding a couple of weeks later. This itself would never be an issue, I realise I do not have a monopoly on wedding and I’m not the only bride in the world!

However…

As we’re trying to save money wherever we can, I have been making lots of the decor/favours/flowers etc for my wedding. I had been sharing a lot of this with DF as we share everything & are very close. She had now started to say, firstly jokingly now seriously that she’ll have all my decor after me (for free!) and she likes all my ideas etc. She’s asking what my dress is like, what food, music etc too.

I’m also feeling pressured to help with her wedding when I already feel maxed out trying to get everything done for ours with 6 weeks to go! I’ve stopped sharing things with her as it’s a) making me feel uncomfortable but b) like she’s stealing my wedding! I’d also quite like to resell as much as possible and I feel pressured to give it all to her! It’s also making me feel like my day isn’t my own.

AIBU?!

Just enjoy your wedding op! Stop sharing information. Relax

That's what I was thinking too. If the CF was sitting with the OP week in week out making all these whatnots together so they could be used at both weddings, that would be great.
As it is, it appears that CF is sitting back and expecting to get all the stuff she needs without any effort or expense.

You need to just distance yourself from her, stop telling her anything, take longer each time to message her back, and keep messages short and sweet. Don’t let her steal your joy, so if need be have a frank conversation and just tell her to not bank on having anything from your wedding.

That would really annoy me. You’re under no obligation to give her anything! Perhaps tell her you’ll be selling most of it to recoup some of the funds to go towards the honeymoon etc. If she wanted to share wedding bits she should be going halves with you. The absolute cheek!

So you showed her your dress!?!

You have to let this drift over you now because you are in danger of this all spoiling your special day. Don’t let that happen. Try and get a grip.

Make no more comment to her, tell her you are having a quiet two weeks now on your own. Or you have a bit of a summer cold ……anything to get her off your back. Don’t see her again until the day. She isn’t good for you fur now, And by then your mind will be on the more important things. This is about your wedding, nobody else’s.

Your wedding will be all your own efforts OP. It will be just lovely. So enjoy it and let nothing spoil it for you. Very best wishes.

Don cry. As PP says, don’t let it spoil your day. You’re getting married first and your dress is going to wow people. Her wearing near-as-damn-it the same thing will take the shine off her on her day, but it won’t impact the way people see you.

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to tell her you aren’t happy about her copying your wedding but for your sake you are probably better off just cooling things with your friend, stop sharing what you’re doing with her and stop looking at her wedding stuff if she sends it. Leave the friendship on the back burner citing busyness and overwhelm until after her wedding. Then you can decide what you want to do about it all.

I know that it's not quite the same, OP, but I had a bizarre situation where an in-law copied aspects of my husband's funeral.

Yes, there's a basic structure which is the same, I know. However, said person already had experience of organising both her parents' funerals, so it wasn't the case that she was trying to follow a template.

She also wanted me to leave a message from my husband to her relative on the memorial page set up by the funeral home. The two had a shared hobby, but they'd never met or interacted in any way.

Even now, I find it a bit strange.

ETA I guess that she admired the funeral, so copied it.

Tell her your budget for the wedding stuff factored in the fact you’d planned to sell some of it after to recoup costs, therefore you’d be happy to offer her first pick of it all and a bit of a discount but not all of it for free. CF.

Has she ordered her dress yet, or just found one she likes? You could ask did she realize it is like yours?
I know in real life it would be overly dramatic...but you could uninvite her!

Has she seen your flowers or menu?

Have you pointed out how similar to yours it is?
I think this is your “ in “ to distance yourself.

I would say DF “ the dress you are thinking off looks very similar to mine. You are my best friend but I don’t want our weddings to look the same. Let’s organise ours separately from now on. See you for drinks next week”.

Try to take it as a compliment and be flattered by her choices, it shows you have good taste. If most of the guests are going to both weddings, she’s going to look a bit of a berk for having the same decoration.

Even if you don’t give her the decorations, sounds like she’s got zero imagination, so she’ll probably just go and buy similar anyway, so don’t be surprised if she’s going off and buying the same stuff.

I’d send her a text ‘hi cf, I know we had a chat the other day about you reusing X Y Z, but the thing is, money is a bit tight for me at the moment, so I’ve decided to sell some and keep some as a memories. I’m sure you don’t want the same theme as me anyway, it would look a bit weird that we had the same wedding/colour scheme 😀

Has she always been an unimaginative copy cat? I would just see much less of her until the wedding and tell her you can’t think about her wedding as you have yours to plan and she’ll have to discuss hers with someone else as the 2 are so close together. As your wedding is first her dress looking similar won’t affect you and it may not look that similar to other people.

Actually I would call her right out reply to her and say. That dress is almost identical to mine. I just thought I'd let you know in case you hadn't realised? And then say what people have already proposed about having a quiet two weeks now, taking a break from wedding planning as you are exhausted. And don't let her just take your wedding decs on top of everything else.

It's such unfair pressure to have all this going on.

Do you actually want to go to her wedding OP?

It sounds like this is causing you so much stress to have her looking over your shoulder and using you as her "wedding planner" that you might end up worrying about this all though your own wedding and honeymoon.

As the saying goes, what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over.. It might be that if you came up with a way to not attend, (maybe say you were having an extra honeymoon weekend or something) you could forget about it as you wouldn't have to dread attending and seeing the similarities and evidence of how much she's lifted and be much more free to concentrate on your own lovely day.

Oh this is so shit OP I'm sorry. I definitely have my own style and when younger often had a female colleague or friend adopt my look. I know it's supposed to be a compliment but it's bloody annoying. I'd be gutted in your shoes.

Has she purchased it? I'd video call her and say honestly "I'm a bit upset, it's almost the same as mine. How are you styling it?"

Don’t give her any of the wedding decor. Sell it all straight after your wedding, or at least tell her the price you’re putting it up for. As you say, if she helped you make it all it’s different, but she hasn’t.
As for the weddings being similar, at least yours is first so she’ll be the one being lazy and unimaginative. I’d be furious if she were stealing it all but her wedding was first! Try to relax, don’t share anything more with her, and enjoy your day when it comes around.

Thank God hers is after yours. I'd offer her a job lot of your unwanted decorations at a fixed price and say otherwise you're selling everything to recoup the cost.

I totally understand you've put loads of thoughts and effort into it but everyone will know you're the one with the vision and that she has no original ideas.

I know don’t worry feel very stupid now! I thought we were that close…

I’m doing as everyone has advised and taking a massive step back!

CF behaviour started with the flowers! I’ve had to make all flowers for the venue due to budget restrictions. She won’t copy my menu as we’re doing a sit down and she’s doing a buffet but I’m sure she would if she could

As for the dress, tried on and bought it then and there before she showed me! I’ve had my ordered for ages…

@Goldfish92 you may not have any table decorations left as usually Mums, Aunts, Grandma's etc want to take one home as a momento of the day so that may be a way of getting her to back off, say they are already promised or if you want to sell them tell her that.

But honestly I would take a big step back and be grateful that my wedding was before hers otherwise it would look like you were copying hers anyway everyone will know she is copying you as yours has been booked for much longer.

She is giving over an air of desperation, this is your time and don't let her get to you and stop sharing details.

Can I ask OP, does she have history for doing stuff like this? For example, does she see you in a new dress, and say how much she loves it, then the next thing you know she's bought it? I have a sister who used to do this, and it drove me up the wall, so I can well imagine how upset you must be. However, as other people have said, it will be CF who ends up regretting copying you, as people will be whispering behind her back on what should be her special day, because they WILL notice that she's copied everything from your wedding. So put her and everything about her, out of your mind, and enjoy all the preparations for your special day. I'm sure it will be WONDERFUL!

Don't be pressured into giving anything to her for free. A friend wouldn't do that to you. She is a CF!

Did you show her your dress though? It seems odd you hadn’t clocked her copycat behaviour before now and learned to not tell her anything. Do you like her? You dont seem able to actually talk to her you just seem to tell her what your plans are but seem unable to talk frankly to her and tell her to do something different

You need to be careful what you tell her about plans for decorations after the wedding!
She sounds like someone who’s liable to be going around the tables collecting everything and taking it home with her!

OP, its very clear what she is doing.
Some people may or may not be upset by such behaviour.
Frankly I believe her behaviour to be tacky, grabby an distasteful but lots on MN will believe it to be no big deal.
I don't think she is your friend.
Avoid her going forward.
Enjoy your wedding.
Keep your studf.
Step away from her going forward.

I'd use that annoyance over the dress as fuel if she asks again to use your decorations. Just tell her that you don't want your weddings to look so similar, particularly as they're only two weeks apart. That's a good enough reason to decline her request, whether she likes it or not. And if she tries to convince you or make you feel bad, just remember the dresses and dig in your heels. Honestly, it won't matter (especially since your wedding is first!), but it's understandable that you're not happy about it, and she's quite presumptuous to expect to get everything you've made for free. The least she could have done was offer to pay you something for it all, but considering that money is only part of the problem, I wouldn't mention that to her.