Is friend a CF? Wedding Edition!

[Goldfish92]

Finally after many years & cancelling and rebooking our wedding, me and DH to be are tying the knot this summer.

A few weeks ago, DFriend announces she has booked her own wedding a couple of weeks later. This itself would never be an issue, I realise I do not have a monopoly on wedding and I’m not the only bride in the world!

However…

As we’re trying to save money wherever we can, I have been making lots of the decor/favours/flowers etc for my wedding. I had been sharing a lot of this with DF as we share everything & are very close. She had now started to say, firstly jokingly now seriously that she’ll have all my decor after me (for free!) and she likes all my ideas etc. She’s asking what my dress is like, what food, music etc too.

I’m also feeling pressured to help with her wedding when I already feel maxed out trying to get everything done for ours with 6 weeks to go! I’ve stopped sharing things with her as it’s a) making me feel uncomfortable but b) like she’s stealing my wedding! I’d also quite like to resell as much as possible and I feel pressured to give it all to her! It’s also making me feel like my day isn’t my own.

AIBU?!

If I was the CF doing this to my best friend I know damn well she’d tell me to piss off 😂 in a joking/best friend type of way.
If you’re both very close friends, could it be that your styles are naturally similar? Friends have things in common type of thing.
For example, my BF’s wedding was stunning as was probably 90% what I’d have picked for my own day.
If it’s stressing you out I’d limit the information and maybe throw a few comments in like “god it’s so stressful in the last few weeks, I can barely remember to feed myself at the minute, it’s all systems go…” so she feels less inclined to bring up her wedding and ask for things?

Accidentally driving over it is a bit too far-fetched for anybody to be expected to believe.

Much better to say that it was reported by a concerned passer-by as an invading zombie army's weapon of intended mass destruction, and the special bomb squad had to come and blow it to smithereens in a controlled explosion scenario.

Well, just say that? ‘Look, Gemma, it would feel deeply weird to attend your wedding a few weeks after mine and see all of my decor, flowers, dresses etc. So I think it’s best if you do your own thing.”

Tell her you're planning your own wedding and don't have the time to plan hers too, plus, doesn't she want her own wedding instead of a rerun of yours? That you understand wedding planning can be overwhelming but you think that when she looks back at her wedding she would really regret it being a copy of yours and she'll wish she had her own instead.

Maybe she’s just being enthusiastic and supportive. Maybe she’s trying to prompt you into taking more of an interest in her wedding. Have you been enthusiastic about hers, asked her what dress etc she has picked? If it’s only a few weeks after yours she must have done some preparation already. Have you got any specific examples that make you think she’s copying you?

Maybe say ‘Well I’m keeping the bunting and other decorations for future parties, table centres are going to the two Mum’s and bridesmaids and the place names will get binned. I’ll keep aside any bits I don’t want and you can have a dig through after the wedding. But you’ll probably want yours sorted by then.

If she asks about flower girl dresses or bridesmaids dresses or whatever just send her photos of different ones. Then say you changed your mind last minute on the day 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sounds like she doesn't have any ideas of her own, so she's just copying you.

Don't let this spoil your wedding

I'd totally lie and say the ushers are all wearing kilts and the bridesmaids wearing meringues.

She's a nobber.

Just say ‘Thinking of this?’ Or ‘Maybe these?’

Make her the gift of being direct and honest and say that you would like the two of you to have distinct, different weddings so you would like to ensure that there's as little crossover as possible. Offer to help her find ideas that she likes just as much as yours. (But also stop sharing your own ideas.)

Other than her wanting things for free this is an overreaction on your part. Being precious about decor and being unique is not very kind. You are the one not being a good friend! She sounds like a cheerleader for your wedding.

This poster is brilliant

We gave most of our decorations to close family and friends on the night so you could say you’ve already planned to gift different bits of the decorations to people so you wouldn’t be able to pass it on to her.

Your suggestion is what’s weird 😂

People wonder why there’s no real sense of friendships anymore and then act like this. Just say you won’t be passing it on if it’s that big of a deal. Chances are you’ll struggle to sell it and it’ll end up sat on boxes.

I would say to her:

I realised we probably should set out what I’m doing with my wedding bits just in case you are relying on me. I know you probably aren’t but I was worrying it might be the case. I’m reselling most things on market place as I’ve spent a lot of money on them and some bits I’ll keep for a while for the memories/save for long distant cousin jades wedding. However, I know how much you like (wedding sign / donut wall etc) so I’m happy to gift this to yours for yours. 💕 There’s so much to organise isn’t there I’m feeling a bit frazzled but so excited!

You're weird 😂

This a very clear reply to a CF... It's polite but firm. And I think in this instance its fine not to apologise.
It would drive me absolutely nuts to have someone looking over my shoulder, discussing my ideas and then saying "I'll do that too" not because I'd begrudge them doing something but just having the sheer noseyness of it and using me as a research bot.

I had my wedding close to a close friends wedding and we did compare notes, but it was a lovely experience because we both knew what we wanted.. there was no constant observations or nicking of ideas.

Are you invited to her wedding OP? Could you prolong the honeymoon instead?

Absolutely not the case, I’ve worked my arse off to get this all done with little to no help & I don’t fancy sitting through the same wedding a few weeks later with the majority of the guests being the same!

I'd suggest she is quite lazy and likes your taste. I have a friend who did this with appliances, baby equipment and all kinds of other random stuff. I'd do all the research and then she'd just ask for the model number.

But kindly, most people don't remember all the minutiae of a wedding. The only stuff I ever remember is when it's all a bit batshit levels of hassle to set up and then clear away. Like tables decorated with billions of jam jars of "wild" flowers that have been done by the bridal party. If she orders the same bridesmaids dresses in a different colour, no one will notice a thing. Your wedding pics will look weird though :)

Guests don’t notice as much as you think!
You’re stressing and controlling could ruin the wedding and friendship,have some perspective OP.

She also asked about flower girl dresses etc!

I'd tell her your colour theme has changed to throw her off the scent. Tell her you fancy something really different and out there now, and send her some pics. 😆

Weddings are so weird. Once yours is done, it’s done. You’re not going to use any of that stuff again. Why not give it to a friend? Or if you’d actually have been trying to sell it, give her a price.

No one remembers anything about a wedding other than the food, the drink and the music. Flower girls’ dresses, photography stuff, table favours - all forgotten the next day.

I’d expect the flower girls to keep their dresses; if you feel uneasy about her using your stuff then tell her now.