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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New GF taking the piss?

207 replies

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 20:30

I’ve NC as I’ve recently posted a thread and it may be outing if the two are linked.

new relationship, 10 months in, nobody is happy for me. FWIW I’m in a WLW relationship and feel this has influenced my families opinions HOWEVER

I am starting to feel like an absolute doormat. GF likely has undiagnosed MH conditions suspected bipolar and/or autism. Her moods are uncontrollable and she’s extremely reactive. Not violent, but sulky, depressed, suicidal ideology, cold, stroppy, shouts huffs puffs etc.

she doesn’t work. I’m “well off” supposedly, and she comes from a tough background. I pay for everything. She says she can’t get on her feet and get a job as MH too much. I’m taking her on holiday in August. She lives in my home when DC are with ex. She’s on benefits so has to make that stretch. Doesn’t pay for any dates, outings, food shop etc. I can recall 4 times where she’s contributed to something.

she says I have a bad attitude (I don’t believe I do but it could be possible I suppose), thinks I lie about absolutely trivial things and when we talk it through admits she’s paranoid.

if she has a bad day, I can’t have one for a while otherwise we “don’t work” and it’s “too much”. Whereas my bad day just consists of me not being super enthusiastic and/or cooking 3 meals a day for her and I’ll opt for a takeout. Her bad day is everybody in her path gets some kind of attitude or criticism and she tells me she sees no point in life.

she won’t support me through anything difficult and says it’s not her circus not her monkeys, this can range from anything really. However alls I do is support her, offer job opportunities, therapy, take her out if she’s low, gifts etc.

She doesn’t do much around the house as far as cleaning. Or much for me in general unless ask for help. She’s said in the past I should ask instead of expecting her to know. I find it quite rude for me to be doing HER washing, cooking, ironing, putting away, breakfast in bed etc while she lies in bed until midday and then if I ask her to take the dog for a quick walk or help clean up it’s an issue and “she needs to relax”

reason for the thread is she’s fallen out with me today as she said having exdp in my life (as in, our children’s lives) is too much and she really dislikes him and won’t have him infringing on our relationship so it needs to change (we only communicate about dc or joint admin). I’m starting to think wtf do I get out of the relationship anyway?

I know this comes off as I don’t like her very much, but I do. She’s very funny, i don’t believe she’s a bad person, she’s incredibly good looking and sex is amazing.

obviously she’s not met dc.

people close to me keep saying wtf am I doing but I cant help but want to make it work. I really struggle with endings. In my heart I know what I should do but it seems impossible.

i just needed to vent I suppose, I feel completely disrespected, undervalued (she says she does but she’s not good with words) and taken for a fool

OP posts:
AlorsTimeForWine · 01/06/2025 21:34

Forget whether it's Cock or Vagina....

Whats very obvious is this Arsehole is going to ruin your and your children's lives.

  • Get advice from the police/ register the fact you are breaking up and expect trouble.
  • Kick them out.
  • Block.
  • Delete.
  • Involve the police as needed.

The fact you already KNOW you'll have to invlve police is the giant red flag on top of the red flag cake telling you this relationship is bad news.

twinmum2007 · 01/06/2025 21:38

Run OP run. She will destroy you. For your own sanity & your children's sake, you need to get out. Sorry.

Noshadealltea · 01/06/2025 21:40

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 21:02

I agree with the general consensus of the responses here, but I’m trying to picture it in real life. It’s not going to be as easy as “just ending it”

  1. For the fall out and 2. Because I AM a very emotional person and will struggle. I know I’ll get over it but I’m very what-if minded and worry a lot

How is this for a what if then:

What if it gets to the point where she is jealous/unhappy of your children being with you 50% of the time meaning she has to go back to her grandparents and insists you give your ex full custody? Are you just going to roll over and say ‘sure’?

If you can’t end it now because it’s too hard, imagine how hard it would be to end in even another 6 months when she’s worn you down further? Or a year or two?

ThinWomansBrain · 01/06/2025 21:42

What on earth do you find attractive about this selfish, self cantered waste of space?

CoyGoldenKoi · 01/06/2025 21:43

I supported a friend through a relationship like this. The only way I know it's not the same woman is you've said the age is different.

My friend saw the red flags, but kept telling herself that the GF would change. Kept saying that she needed more chances due to her mental health.

Over a 3 year relationship, the GF caused my friend to be arrested for assault by lying to the police about her (later proven in a police investigation, the GF had previous for assault and lying in previous relationships), and systematically broke down my friend's mental health. Her child got sent away to live with a family member because the GF couldn't cope with them. The GF became physically, emotionally and financially abusive, eventually causing my friend to develop severe mental health problems and start drinking. GF completely isolated her from all family and friends, caused her to lose her job from stress, and still had her sending all her benefit money to GF as she "needed looking after".

It ended with my friend killing herself as the abuse became more and more extreme.

Get the fuck out. Now.

Regardless of any consequences (and likely there will be far less than threatened, cos the threats themselves are the control mechanism), it is infinitely more dangerous to stay.

JudgeJ · 01/06/2025 21:44

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 20:36

I do feel very used, I’m frustrated with myself for allowing this. And frustrated with her for doing it.

no my children don’t have contact and won’t. She would like children together which is just unfathomable to me

Get rid before she 'accidently' gets pregnant and you're stuck with her for years.

BIossomtoes · 01/06/2025 21:45

JudgeJ · 01/06/2025 21:44

Get rid before she 'accidently' gets pregnant and you're stuck with her for years.

That would be a miracle. 😂

ThinWomansBrain · 01/06/2025 21:45

If history is anything to go off, I’ll now get the silent treatment for days and no apology just a “let’s forget about it”.

well if she chooses not to speak to you, tell her to fuck off home.

Purplebunnie · 01/06/2025 21:47

If this was a man treating you like this he would be called a cocklodger

Genevieva · 01/06/2025 21:47

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 20:41

I know for sure this would turn into something I’d have to involve the police in and I can’t deal with it right now.

im feeling uber-aggrieved because I run multiple businesses, have a hectic life with dc and she can’t even be arsed to let me vent and listen. She shuts me down and says it’s too much for her.

last week she accidentally made a real mess at my house (think broken crockery) I laughed and joked you’d better clean that up, she was fuming and said she wasn’t cleaning it alone as it was an accident she wasn’t to know and I ought to help her. Then outright refused to help clean up until I helped.

The sooner you get shot of her the better. You can’t deal with her right now. It will only get worse. You write all this down for good reason, now you need to act on the reality that is presented before you in your orb words: she gives you nothing and takes everything, including your energy and emotional resilience.

notatinydancer · 01/06/2025 21:52

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 21:04

This may sound ridiculous, but could anybody give me a “script” to go off if and when I end it?

realistic please, I am a gentle person and don’t want to rock the boat

Next time she’s due at yours , text her the night before and tell her the relationship is not working for you. Tell her not to come round.
Get a ring doorbell.
Block her in everything.
When you say she’ll get friends to watch you on social media , lock it down or come off it.
At the end of the day are any of her friends (has she got friends?) going to give a shit ?

notatinydancer · 01/06/2025 21:53

JudgeJ · 01/06/2025 21:44

Get rid before she 'accidently' gets pregnant and you're stuck with her for years.

How’s that going to happen?

LauraP32 · 01/06/2025 21:54

Sorry OP, when you set out to find someone 10mths ago - where you looking for a partner or a patient to be with????

Incase it's not clear - you got a patient to look after, not a partner to be with.

Katbum · 01/06/2025 21:57

AUGUST? Get this leech out of your life today. Nothing good will come of this for you or your kids.

TheMimsy · 01/06/2025 21:58

@Vaglodger has she keys for your place? Have you got a garage? Can you park elsewhere the week or two after ending it? Got ring cameras or anything? Security lights?

Contact the police and and say you are ending a relationship with a controlling person and worried their behaviour may escalate. Can you do a Clare’s law request? Ask them for advice and ask them to log your concerns.

I know you say it’s having the mental spoons to deal with her drama when you end it - but her drama will increase the longer you are together.

do it before the holiday. Things will have blown over by august if you do it now.

in 5 years you will look back and it will be a blip on your radar and a thank god I swerved a longer time with that one…

get advice from police. Take action. Move on.

you sound lovely and deserve better. Please accept that her behaviour is abusive. Silent treatment is abusive. Suicide threats etc. abusive. It’s a way of controlling you.

does she act the same with her grandparents? Do they know of her threats? Poor sods.

good luck.

Tiredofallthis101 · 01/06/2025 21:59

She’d potentially have my car/belongjngs smashed up, persist, have her friends watch me from afar on social media, maybe threaten me, conspire against me, paint a picture that I’ve destroyed her at the lowest point of her life etc. if history were to repeat itself!

How can you even consider staying with this person given this? Someone that would behave like that is clearly not someone you should be risking having in your life. Don't wait until August, end it now. End it, change the locks, get a Ring doorbell for evidence, keep logs of anything she says. Other than her physically smashing your stuff or being aggressive to you and DC who gives a fuck if sh gets her friends to spy on you or says it's all your fault? Fuck her.

Most importantly remember that every minute you're with this woman you are missing out on opportunities for a new, fulfilling relationship. Ditch her now. Also learn from this in future - set stronger boundaries and a higher bar for future partners from the off.

TwistedWonder · 01/06/2025 21:59

So you’re staying in a toxic abusive relationship with a complete freeloader who you don’t think is dare to be around your kids because she’s good in bed - seriously wtf?? Is an orgasm worth ruining your life?

Thatsalineallright · 01/06/2025 22:00

I lost all sympathy with your comment about the great sex. You have very skewed priorities and clearly no interest in actually doing anything constructive.

JoyfulLife · 01/06/2025 22:03

Vaglodger · 01/06/2025 20:36

humour, similar interests, company, great sex, quite intellectual so decent conversation. That’s it

OP the things you listed here you can find in your life with a real partner who wants to expand your life rather than constrict it. What you are experiencing is very abusive behaviour regardless if it is with intention or just the way she behaves normally.
This behaviour will never change unless she is capable to recognise how bad it is and be willing and committed to seek support and change.
I believe I am seeing two things here, on the one hand you are able to see that her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. On the other hand it seems impossible to you to break up or see your way out of this. and that is very common in people who have experienced a level of developmental trauma (read trauma as in what happens inside of you as a result of the environment in which you developed, how you made sense of it, what coping mechanisms, behaviours and beliefs you have adopted). You need to seek support for yourself and find your way out of abuse. For yourself and for your children.I could go on a lot but I will stop here, please do look after yourself. MH is too often used as an excuse for terrible behaviour especially when sufferers refuse to seek help and commit to getting better. It sounds like your dear ones have enough reasons to not like thsi relationship for you, please see their point of view too. sending love x

Teanbiscuits33 · 01/06/2025 22:07

‘’New GF’’ yet she’s managed to get her feet right under the table at your house, sponge off you and pay for nothing, be emotionally volatile, get you to pay for a holiday and clearly expects this to continue as she can’t work. How new, exactly? Because if genuinely ‘’new’’, she’s wasted no time whatsoever, has she!? She saw you coming. It’s up to her to get help for her mental health, you shouldn’t have to be subjected to that from a freeloading cow. Get rid.

Agapornis · 01/06/2025 22:07

You wouldn't tolerate this from a man - I hope.

Contact Galop who can tell you that just because it's a lesbian/gay/WLW relationship, doesn't mean it's not abuse.
https://www.galop.org.uk/helpline

or Switchboard to talk things through
https://switchboard.lgbt/

Helplines - Galop the LGBT+ anti-abuse charity - Galop

If you are an LGBT+ person or a friend, family member is or may be experiencing abuse or violence please call our helplines. Galop is here for you.

https://www.galop.org.uk/helpline

Therealjudgejudy · 01/06/2025 22:09

If you don't get rid of her...like now then there is something wrong with you.

Thus is like reading the script of a psychological horror film....

Endofyear · 01/06/2025 22:10

Well it's not surprising that no-one is happy for you 🤷‍♀️ you're being an absolute fool and this person actually sounds dangerous. You have children - why would you be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this? If it were one of your children, wouldn't you tell them to end it?

Bigcat25 · 01/06/2025 22:16

Get a camera for your car if you haven't already. Send her (or any friends she involves) a letter from a lawyer if they start defaming you.

Bigcat25 · 01/06/2025 22:17

Just wanted to say please don't blame autism. She may be a psychopath or sociopath.