Close friends beytral, has put me in a&e

[Ivyrose1234]

Last weekend unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage.

Un beknown to me, a close friend of mine has been having an affair for years apparently.

She knew of what happened, and her partner both sent us messages of support.

We thanked them and said we need time and will see them soon.

On Friday my close friends husband turned up at my house, screaming at me that did I know she was having an affair?

She had apparently said she had came over last weekend to be with me, but she was actually with him and he caught her lying by tracking her phone and she confessed she was not at my house supporting me.

I was so upset, after he left I passed out from the shock of it all, and that she had lied and said she was with me when she wasn't.

She has rang me several times since, they both have, and messaging, and last night I was rushed to a&e because I keep blacking out.

I am literally sobbing as I write this. I cannot believe she used my saddest earth shattering moment as a lie to go and be with the person she's having an affair. I'm also really angry he came to my house screaming at me, my other children hearing it all when our home is grieving.

My friend has even rang my daughters ipad to try and make contact. I literally feel like im going to have a heart attack from the stress, and I'm so upset I shake.

I'm so angry but I know I need to rest, but how dare both of them. They have no right to drag me into their mess, and harass me.

I haven't messaged either of them back, I just shake. My partner refuses to engage with either of them ever again, but I kind of want someone to stick up for me and tell them they have hurt us all so much, even my poor Dad in his old age has offered to speak to her.

@babystarsandmoon a horrible, horrible thing to say. The OP sounds utterly traumatised. Or blood loss. Or both. I’d be very surprised if the OP comes back having to deal with shitty judgements such as yours.

Nope.

She's not a friend. Nor is her husband.

Send them one message saying how shit the behaviour of both of them has been, and that you no longer want anything at all to do with either of them. Then just block them. For your own sanity.

So sorry for your loss OP and they are both totally out of line .
Ive really tried in the past few years to save my anger for people who are ill intended . They have been so out of order but are both clearly unhappy , they shouldn’t have dragged you into it but don’t let anger come into this at the moment . You have enough to worry about and it sounds like stress really takes in toll on you physically too.
Hopefully in time they will be sorry and maybe you can work it out to be civil enough for the school etc , but right now focus on healing and grieving with your little family.
The time will come to deal with them, their drama has entered your home enough so don’t let it anymore x

This is absolutely despicable behaviour from both of them. I am so very sorry for your loss, @Ivyrose1234
Please continue to surround yourself with those who really matter, and carry on avoiding disgusting human beings like that.

@Hoppinggreen yes indeed. What the OP has gone through is known as a ‘pivotal moment’ she was totally blindsided and had no idea. Some people, especially with a history which had trauma, high stress etc in their background can panic, faint, BP through the roof etc.
I really wish people would STOP being so damn judgemental when it comes to trauma/panic/anxiety etc. The OP has been through a horrendous experience.

Of course she can. They involved her in their awful marriage, her friend by using OP's miscarriage as her alibi for meeting her affair partner and her friend's husband for turning up at the home of a miscarrying woman and shouting at her. Who else would she blame for those things?

They didn't cause her miscarriage but they made an awful distressing experience even worse.

Overdramatic? Aren't you a sweetie?

No, the added shock of what happened with her friend caused a stress response to repeated trauma.

Jesus what a disgusting woman. Block her and never speak to her again. I'm sorry for your loss.

Tell your husband to send them both a message telling them you’ve been hospitalised and if they contact you or lany member of your family you will report to the police for harasssment.

This - if your DH won't do that ask your Dad to do so for you and try and give them no more thought and focus on getting well.

So sorry OP for your loss

simply unforgivable of both your so called friend and her husband

Don’t feel mortified OP, you’ve done nothing at all to feel embarrassed about. It’s your friend who should be feeling totally mortified about her behaviour in all of this. I hope you are on the mend soon

Definitely not an overreaction and appalled that anyone would think so given that the husband came and yelled at a grieving, woman post-miscarriage. What a hideous man.

It seems that anxiety/stress can exacerbate low blood pressure. It certainly wouldn't have helped the OP's physical well-being.

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/low-blood-pressure

Absolutely this 100%. Straightforward action.

They haven't caused your famous mumsnet shakes or blackouts; stress raises your BP, you pass-out when BP is too low.

Hopefully the hospital can find the real reason and you are back home soon.

How about because the husband turned up on her doorstep screaming at her in front of her children?

Or is that a normal occurrence in your world?

Yup.

There are various sources which confirm that stress can indeed cause low blood pressure. The OP had already suffered an event which causes low blood pressure and then had to deal with the pressure of verbal abuse from a supposed family friend.

I am calm to the point of unshockable, but passed out when I was told my mother had had a stroke and again when I was told she had died suddenly (occurrences years apart). Ears ringing, room spinning then nothing. I didn't even like her. Sometimes your body just takes over.

If some bloke comes to your door screaming at you and accusing you of something nefarious, I would say that may well constitute a verbal assault. In the UK, verbal assault is the use of threatening, abusive, or insulting language that causes fear, harassment, alarm, or distress.

But for the actions of the screaming partner, would the OP have ended up in hospital? If she has an underlying anxiety condition, exacerbated by the stress of the miscarriage, then she may well fall within the legal definition of an "eggshell skull". Verbally assaulting her may well have had unintended/unforeseen physical consequences, but it wouldn't have made Mr Scream any the less responsible. The law says you have to take your victim as you find them. Only the OP's medical team can conclude whether she's in A&E because of the shock of the verbal assault, or whether she would have ended up there anyway because of the miscarriage alone.

Either way, the friend and the partner are a pair of utter wankers and I would never speak to either again for involving me in their drama when I am ill and grieving.

The behaviour of the friend and her husband very likely exacerbated matters.

Thank you. You've explained this very clearly.

Op it might be worth asking to speak to the mh team why you are there most a&e have them you've been through a lot and a bit of a chat might help

Repeated trauma causes something called Vasovagal Syncopy. It’s a sudden drop in blood pressure restricting blood flow to the brain, and causes temporary loss of consciousness. Happens even in those with high blood pressure because it’s a stress response. Her friends husband’s aggression plus the shock of finding out her friend has used her miscarriage to cover up meeting her affair partner - on top of the physical and emotional trauma of miscarriage - could very well have caused it.