To think MIL’s “accident” wasn’t an accident??

[AwayShow]

Right so probs gonna sound nuts but I need a sanity check

Had MIL round earlier for Sunday lunch (DH’s idea, obviously). She’s always a bit judgey — called our parenting “interesting” before we’d even served the roast. Kids were running about a bit, nothing wild, but she kept giving me That Look. You know the one.

Anyway I go to take the baby for a nap and leave her in the kitchen with DH. Come back ten mins later and half my bloody Denby set’s smashed on the floor. She says she “brushed it with her elbow” while reaching for the gravy boat?? But the plates were on a high shelf. You’d have to properly stretch to even touch them. Doesn’t add up.

This is the third thing she’s “accidentally” broken — last time it was our cordless hoover, time before she somehow deleted all our saved shows off the box. DH reckons she’s just clumsy but I dunno. Starting to feel personal.

I’m 6 months preg, knackered, and hormonal, so maybe I’m reading too much into it. But also like… she’s not stupid. She’s got this weird passive aggressive energy and I’m just DONE.

AIBU to think she did it on purpose?? Or do I need a lie down and a biscuit?

Pls be honest, just not brutal, I’m running on fumes here.

Does she break a lot of things at home or anywhere else? Or is it just when she's at your house?

Did she offer to replace what she broke?

How the hell has she managed to smash MULTIPLE Denby plates?

They are really robust and although I've broken a few, they are HARD to break just by dropping them on a hard floor.

(Misses the point of the thread)

Or maybe you didn’t - maybe they were dropped with more force.

Horrible Grandma! Absolutely. “It just fell!”
Plastic/old knackered cups and plates for her from now on.
And some hidden cameras.

I was wondering how quickly she'd be mentioned. 😆

no, that is a very good point.....you'd really have to put some effort into it. For me its the accidental program deletion.....I don't know what box you have but its virrtually impossible to accidentally delete stuff off my sky box. you have to find the program and make a couple of chocies to delete more than just one thing. Even in disc management where you can do multiple deletes, you have to make several choices and move the cursor from no to yes. and even then they sit in the deted item section for a period of time.....either that or you'd need to doi a whole box reset.

What you need is a new item that you repeatedly claim to just 'LOVE' and a cheap little recording camera off Amazon that you can leave in a corner and catch her in the act.

When you have a passive aggressive nob-head in the family, these little 'accidents' just seem to stack up, don't they?

I was in a relationship with someone whose mother took an extreme dislike to me.

She used to come and stay for a few days every now and then, and would struggle to acknowledge my existence. She'd do things like cook a meal, and not make any for me, claiming that she didn't know I was going to be there, even though he'd told her several times, or make everyone a cuppa except me.

Best of all, she put a jumper I'd left behind by mistake in the washing machine and then the tumble drier. It was a beautiful cashmere that he'd bought me for Christmas, and it came out barely big enough to fit a small teddy bear...

I think you are right . She sounds a nightmare OP.
You need to wise up . Don't say anything to anyone but keep your eyes peeled and get proof . Then reveal it to your DH . Good luck .

I'm medically clumsy, I have damage to the motor cortex of my brain so I trip/stumble over nothing and walk into stationary objects etc... I rarely ever break anything though. So I don't think the passive aggressive 'we need to make you a Dr appointment' comments are needed.

If anything my disability makes me HYPER aware and far more gentle than others. I'm more likely to injure myself than break something as I tend to protect the thing before myself (which is self preservation really, falling and not breaking a glass but smashing your elbow instead is better than falling, smashing a glass and landing on it etc...). My perfectly healthy DH for example breaks more stuff than me by not paying attention (like stepping on a toy or throwing something into the sink and breaking it etc...).

People who are 'clumsy' because they don't care enough to be pay attention or do something properly do annoy me. Am I the only one who tends to find its never their own stuff they break?

Next time she wants to see you all meet her at a cafe.. Tell her it's too expensive having her visit.. And dh can send her the link to replace your plates.... Refuse to have her back until she does... It would be a hill I was prepared to die on...

My sister breaks stuff every time she visits, but never owns up.

I think for her it's not exactly deliberate, it's just that she doesn't give a fuck. Mostly it's fairly expensive things - eg putt8ng hot pans direct onto worktop, not bothering to use a chopping board so scratching stuff, dropping my heavy casserole onto floor tiles,, if something doesn't turn (eg because she's doing it wrong) then she'll hit it or force it, driving over things at side of driveway. It's not really clumsiness, it's just she doesn't care.

Yes to this.

I've lived through this with my exH. People looking for a rational reason for someone to behave like this are missing the point. They always choose the cheap, easy win.

I assume that she hasn't offered to replace it? If she had, it presumably wouldn't occur to you to think that it was deliberate.

If she hasn't said she'll replace, then I would focus your energies on that because it is utterly outrageous to smash a load of expensive items and not replace them.

How did she react afterwards? Is she replacing them? What did your DH see?

It could be coincidence, or it could be her way of "punishing" you for something. Really hard to tell without knowing her.

I think the behaviour after things get broken/deleted/damaged/spoiled is most telling.

I am pretty sure my MIL has broken/damaged things in our home on purpose. DH is more than pretty sure. Always with no witnesses. Things that make no sense at all as to how it could've realistically happened, and no explanation was given. A lot of things really considering the limited opportunity.

Never once even offered to replace items (let alone just replace them like for like) or seemed particularly sorry or helped to clean them (full cup of coffee up made to measure full length cream curtains for example - she actually looked disappointed that I had managed to clean them without leaving a stain).

All of this was a long time ago now - she doesn't get the opportunity now. Unless it is the downstairs loo. I'm amazed that is still intact tbh. She has shown a spiteful streak in other ways over the years (not just directed at us), so that fits in too.

To be fair it sounds like they were dropped from a height. If you dropped a stack of them off the top of a wall cupboard (so from about 2m up) I’d expect a fair few to break.

Yes to this.

Buy a 'family heirloom' at a charity shop. Set up a camera. See what ensues.

My MIL once commented that my Denby plates were terrible because she doesn't like dark crockery. I told her I did but it was ok because she didn't have to eat off them if she didn't want to. She told DH later on that I was rude. (He told her to be quiet). She also regularly buys us "gifts" of things that match what she has for herself, without asking if we want them.

So it could be something like that, she doesn't like them and thinks if they're broken it may become more to her taste. It's a control thing.

Put a ring camera and watch her next time

I can picture it happening. Reach up high and you knock lighter stuff down from below it.
It's how she reacted that counts.
I would immediately be on my phone to price up the damage, add some more for the trouble and transfer the money. I'd also be sending you flowers next week with a sorry message.

No, I'd thought this too @godmum56 . Don't have Sky at the moment but there was never any 'delete everything saved' button! It would take effort to delete a load of saved shows as opposed to one where it could just about be accidental.

What does your DH think?. His opinion may not be all that helpful actually because he's grown up with her and cannot see the flaws in her personality.

Has MIL offered to reimburse?. How remorseful was she after the event?.

Do not have her in your house ever again. There is a boundary you can lay down. She cannot be trusted not to further break "your" possessions and this is not the first time some of your things have been broken or damaged.

People looking for a rational reason for someone to behave like this are indeed missing the point. There are indeed toxic, spiteful and vindictive people out there who do this sort of behaviour out of sheer nastiness and OPs mother in law is one such person.

I'd trust your gut to be honest. The posters who are saying they can't understand why anyone would do this on purpose haven't come across anyone like this. Some people really do these things.

I think it depends. Some people are very clumsy. Does she break her own stuff or others or just yours? Did she apologise properly and offer to replace or compensate?