To think MIL’s “accident” wasn’t an accident??

[AwayShow]

Right so probs gonna sound nuts but I need a sanity check

Had MIL round earlier for Sunday lunch (DH’s idea, obviously). She’s always a bit judgey — called our parenting “interesting” before we’d even served the roast. Kids were running about a bit, nothing wild, but she kept giving me That Look. You know the one.

Anyway I go to take the baby for a nap and leave her in the kitchen with DH. Come back ten mins later and half my bloody Denby set’s smashed on the floor. She says she “brushed it with her elbow” while reaching for the gravy boat?? But the plates were on a high shelf. You’d have to properly stretch to even touch them. Doesn’t add up.

This is the third thing she’s “accidentally” broken — last time it was our cordless hoover, time before she somehow deleted all our saved shows off the box. DH reckons she’s just clumsy but I dunno. Starting to feel personal.

I’m 6 months preg, knackered, and hormonal, so maybe I’m reading too much into it. But also like… she’s not stupid. She’s got this weird passive aggressive energy and I’m just DONE.

AIBU to think she did it on purpose?? Or do I need a lie down and a biscuit?

Pls be honest, just not brutal, I’m running on fumes here.

Approximately 240.00 for a whole set too.

It's hard to tell based on those 3 'accidents'. The fact she's passive aggressive, giving you looks and being judgmental, well that kind of people I wouldn't put it past her to do something on purpose. But it could also just be an accident if she's clumsy. How did she react? Did she seem genuinely sorry and offer to replace it?? Maybe set up a little camera or something see if you can catch her out. Keep a diary and see if you notice any further odd acts. If she is just clumsy, then she needs to learn to be more careful

She's clearly a danger to herself so will have to go in a home... 😉

It’s not really “major psychopath behaviour.” Lots of people are petty, spiteful dickheads that do crap like this because it gives them a thrill to get away with upsetting someone that they don’t like. It’s not socially acceptable for them to be vocal or upfront about their dislike so they do passive aggressive things like this instead. They’re just shitty people. They’re also usually resentful that they don’t have a choice but to interact with someone they don’t really like or are jealous of (in-law, colleague, etc).

It’s absolutely rife in a lot of workplaces.

It’s nice that you can’t imagine such vindictiveness having not experienced the reality of it but I can assure you it is a reality for some people, sometimes from the time they were children.

Ah, this is one of those threads where it's very clear who has had experience of this sort of thing - either from the DIL or MIL side - and who hasn't and is just gobsmacked.

I'd like to know what your DH says happened. I would bet though that his account will be that he left the room to do something for a minute and came back to the explanation of reaching up for the gravy boat.

This is "peak" mad Mil isn't it ? Your original post is well thought out .and worded🙄

The poster has repeatedly been asked if her husband saw this happening. She hasn’t replied to that. Other queries have been ignored too!
Another case of ‘light the touchpaper and stand well back!’
I wish people would stop wasting other people’s time!

Yep.
My money would be that your DH didn't see this "accident"himself either

Well, no I'm not sure.

Since it's anonymous people posting online that I don't know and could just be trolls making things up or could be real people having real things happen or could be real people imagining things.

I'd say someone deliberately breaking things to piss off a family member is probably not that common.

And most of the time, uncommon things are not happening.

But could I see it happening? Yeah, uncommon things happen all the time but I wouldn't leap to uncommon thing happening just because someone on MN said it.

Especially when it's one-sided.

That's the whole point of social media. We don't actually know but we can comment and we don't have to be 'sure' because we can't possibly be.

From your description of the plates being high up, it sounds deliberate to me.

What did she say to you afterwards and what was her tone?

Too many occasions for it to be an ‘accident’.

I’d be expecting her to replace what she has broken and yes it is totally done on purpose . My MIL doesn’t break stuff but she has always comes across as quite rude /passive aggressive , my husband spent years saying ‘she doesn’t mean it and she speaks without thinking’ but even he now agrees that she’s just rude .

I would worry that she’s not okay. Would you be able to encourage her to visit the doctor?

It's possible it's deliberate. It's not just about the number of occasions but the context.

Pretty much every time my ILs stay, they break something - toaster, coffee maker, crockery, shower. Almost every time. However, they're older, don't cope well in unfamiliar surroundings, and like to try and be 'helpful'. We know it's not on purpose but it's bloody frustrating. No, they don't pay to replace the items but I know it's not on purpose. However, if they're due to visit, I do say to DH "let's not get out the new X until after they've gone", or "let's hold off on buying a Y until they've visited," etc. And FWIW, he agrees with me and it's a running joke between us.

In short, trust your instinct. The wider relationship, the reaction, etc. tells you if it's deliberate or not.

I'd be telling her stop raking about in the kitchen and leave the TV alone.
In fact sit on the sofa and don't touch anything 😁

My mother has form for breaking things at our house. She’s nosy and interfering and has poor boundaries where I’m concerned so thinks nothing of overstepping. She also doesn’t visit often so isn’t familiar with where things are and generally has quite poor spatial awareness so accidents happen. She once flooded the boiler as she decided to adjust the water pressure and we had to get an emergency plumber out. She is always very regretful and offers to pay.

My dad’s similar but he is clumsy and also ageing. They live in a very fixed way in a house they’ve lived in for almost 60 years so they’re not very good at adapting to surroundings where things are organised in a different way but want to be “helpful”.

You have my sympathies, OP.

That's not clumsiness. That's being a bitch.

Make sure you let her know how much she owes you to replace the dinner set. If she gets shirty, add on the cost of the vacuum too.

From now on, she eats off a kids melamine set and is not allowed in the kitchen, or pretty much anywhere in your home, unsupervised.

DH should drive her home - if she's so unaware of her surroundings she can accidentally knock things off a high shelf then she absolutely isn't fit to drive. You'll call the DVLA tomorrow so she doesn't have to worry about that.

She could have seriously hurt herself this is very concerning so you'll also contact her GP and social services for an assessment. Clearly she cannot live alone any more, not if something like this can happen "by accident"

My father started doing this to my brothers and me once we had our own children and independent lives. It was often Christmas decorations - he never "accidentally" knocked off one of the many plastic ones, but always one of the very few breakable ones he knows I like to bring home as travel souvenirs. He "accidentally" broke the bubble machine my SIL specifically wanted at her wedding to my brother. And so it went on, despite him having no health or cognitive issues. He really struggled with the transition from being the dominant generation to being the older one. Trust your gut OP.

Does she pay to replace the items she breaks?

Sounds like she was interfering with something and dropped them. Nosing at what you watch and accidentally deleting.

If you're minding your own business and going about your day in a normal fashion this wouldn't happen.

Is she the sort to enjoy a snoop?

Sounds like the kind of thing DM would do when annoyed at somebody - youngest of three sisters, with a violent mother who had to be locked in the cellar by their dad at the height of her rages, because he was genuinely afraid she might kill the children. So DM doesn’t show her anger, because that is risky, but instead slyly looks for ways to “get back at” people who have upset her (by marrying her children, for example). She would absolutely smash something they loved, but only if she could pretend it was nothing to do with her.

This is a Narcissistic trait.

If she did it once then it's an accident particularly if accompanied by profuse apologies, mortified etc

3 times is not accidental
Of course the way it goes is if Op remonstrates in any way then MIL will be the victim, cry etc
How could you be so mean, it was an accident etc
It's a way of commiting a destructive act against someone without getting into trouble, destroy things that are precious to them.
My "D"sis once spilled a can of coke on my brand new sofa , all "an accident" except I saw her through the doorway literally tipping it all over.
First in along list of methinks being destroyed.
Look for the giveaway, " Dupers delight"
It's a split second smirk accompanied by a flash of the eyes .
Once seen you can't miss it.

As to what she “gets out of it.” She gets what bullies get out of bullying: she enjoys the chaos and distress of OP and the smug sense of getting away with it

This

I would put up a couple of cameras quietly but consider contact with her away from your house

Don't invite her again, only arrange to go to her house or see her outside.

I have a family member who seems to break something every time she comes over. Some people are just very careless and things constantly break or go wrong in their presence! I always assume it's not malicious but I don't have time for it! I will go to their places and they can break their own things 😀