To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

if you give in now and change your mind she will be even worse as then it proves her bad behavior and crying and performing gets her what she wants

Now you’ve said it you can’t back down.

I think not celebrating at all would be horrible. Seems perfectly reasonable to not have a party. Shopping trip with friends - up to her if she has money for it.

Never give punishments you cant follow through on. You've said it, its not unreasonable, stick to your guns.

Has she apologised for her behaviour? Shown any change?

I agree with no party, but would still give usual amount of gifts
Does she have time to show improvement to earn the shopping trip

I'd make a bit more of the day as a family -meal out or something, but not give in to party/shopping trip.
It could be a good chance to reconnect as a family which I think is important when dealing with these teen behaviours.

Easy for me to say though, I don't have one!

Unfortunately you have said it now. But the their is no incentive to behave. I suggest you say to her - right you have a goal now shopping trip, cinema etc is organised for 15 th July but the rules are: no back chat, these chores done without arguing and whatever. It’s a three strikes and deal off (give her a chance to slip up). These are the manners we need - write them up and she signs it. I have done similar myself in the past and it worked. She did screw up once but pulled it back and got the reward.

Give her the opportunity to earn it back, bit by bit. How things stand now, she's got nothing to gain by improving. By demonstrating that behaviour and decisions bring consequences, bad and good, it helps to steer more in the right direction. Carrot rather than stick.

I think you can’t backdown now but also that’s really not where I’d have gone…you need a proper plan. Maybe reach out for some parenting support?

I think you’re right OP, you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked . She needs to realise she can’t behave like that without consequences

I don’t have a teenager so what do I know, but I think they are still children and they need connection and boundaries but not punishment. I don’t think punishing is the answer, you need to get to the route of why she’s behaving like this. You need her to come to you if she needs you and punishing her is closing that door and pushing her away in my opinion.

Teenagers can be a nightmare..
I think it was a mistake to cancel her birthday celebration and I doubt it will make her behaviour any better. It may even worsen as she will now be resentful.
Birthday's are special for teenagers and as such I think they should be separate from any punishment.
Can you give her the opportunity to earn her party back some way?

I think it’s a bit much tbh, she only gets a few more birthdays with you and then she’ll be grown up and gone (especially with this dynamic). Personally it would break my heart not to celebrate with my child. I also say this as a secondary school teacher and safeguarding lead - taking away her feeling of family by not celebrating her birthday won’t do what you want it to do in the long run.

Yes to doing something as a family (and now you’ve told her, you need to follow through.)

It’s entirely reasonable to have cancelled the party/shopping trip with friends to give her a clear message that her behaviour isn’t acceptable, but the main thing to do here is to find out what’s at the root of it — presumably you’ve asked her about it?

Stand your ground, if you back down now she will think she can push back and get her own way.
I would do what a PP suggested and do a family day out. Take the opportunity to reconnect and then try and keep doing that weekly. For example, you both going to get your nails down gives you that time together, having a pamper night at home with candles, calm music, weekly tv show you watch together, etc. Or other things that she likes. Often this behaviour does get worse at this age, and I often see it is because that connection the child and parent naturally needs to change as the child becomes a teen, but the way to connect is lost and not adapted too.

The misdemeanours you’ve listed really don’t sound that bad to me. Usual teen stuff IMO which obv needs dealing with but not to the extent of cancelling a birthday!

But now you’ve said it you’re backed into a corner.

I don’t think her birthday was the day to make a stand. It’s supposed to be a celebration of her existence, the day she was born and began her life, the day you became her mother and father.

I might have said no party, but the shopping trip with friends could have gone ahead using whatever money she has saved without a top up.

I also might have said no party unless xyz happens, to give her a chance to “earn” it back with good behaviour.

Is cancelling her birthday celebrations really going to teach her to behave better? Or is it going to drive an enormous wedge into your relationship? You know her, and the answer, better than anyone.

Absolutely correct - yes you might feel bad but if you don't follow through she will think she can push even more. Show her that you are serious, explain why. Tell her you are pleased that she is upset as you can see that she is taking the consequences of her actions seriously. Tell her to remember how she feels as this is completely on her and a result of her behaviour. Stay strong, it hurts but patenting is hard but the benefits hopefully will outweigh the negativity.

Hopefully for her 16th you can celebrate it how she wants but she has to earn that

OP has said they are celebrating with her as a family at home though.

The problem with earning it back is that she will behave for exactly as long as she needs to. I have this issue with my son atm. Hes only 11 though. But whenever hes on screen ban hes the sweetest boy. Whether its a day or a week he manages to be a perfect angel as long as he doesnt have the screen. Because hes hoping to earn it back. Then as soon as he gets it, his behaviour is right back to where it was when he got the ban in the first place.
Kids arent stupid and most of them can behave for a reward. But if she can earn the party back now then her behaviour will just be shit again afterwards. It solves nothing.

You've already found out that punishment isn't the way to change her behaviour, so why aim for a bigger punishment? It's unlikely to help, only make her feel bad and resentful.

Personally I think celebrations should be non-negotiable. You still get a birthday and Christmas regardless of how you're behaving.

I think you'd be better looking for opportunities to connect with her and try to understand each other better.

Personally I wouldn't have said/threatened that, but now you have I think you need to stick with it.

Definitely no party, but I would still get the same present you would have, unless you've explicitly said you wont be. Is there any way the shopping trip could happen without you loosing face? Eg. She spends her own money or money from cards? If she's not grounded, then she can presumably go shopping without it nessecerily been a birthday thing.

I don’t think this will help your relationship with her in any way at all. Sit down, talk to her about her behaviour, what you need her to change and where you can compromise.
She will remember how you dealt with this. There is also no harm in admitting you feel you were too harsh and change your mind (if you want to). It’s not dog training.

You’ve backed yourself into a corner here. I think it’s cruel to not celebrate her birthday at all as that’s something she will never forget.
You have laid that out as punishment do you really want to go through with it?