To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

I’d delay it. She can have the shopping trip etc once she starts to behave

I think this is really harsh and will permanently damage your relationship with her and just push her away and make her feel totally u moved and unable to connect with you.
Say you reacted as you didn’t know what to do about her behaviour and ask her what she thinks she could change. That you would like to work together and have a celebration and make things better

You have to go through with it, it's your only hope of maintaining some sort of authority.

I don't think this is true. Her birthday isn't some final day of reckoning beyond which there is no hope, hence you have to make sure it's ruined for her (as she'll see it and that is of course the intention or OP wouldn't be doing it) so she'll respect you hereafter. I think making it into such a big thing with no backing down helps no one. Authority doesn't have to be draconian. Good leaders can admit if they're wrong or overreacted, and if she can then admit that she's been wrong then you're on the way to building a more functional relationship.

Awful. It's abusive imo. Yes she needs to face consequences for her bad behaviour but scaling back her birthday so much and only buying her a couple of presents is very mean. You'll only make things worse.

One more thought. I don't know how old you are but there are ages where wonky hormones make us more likely to behave 'badly'. Toddler years, teenage, menopause. Hope noone cancels your 55th for rude behaviour.

Sounds tricky OP but cancelling a birthday party? That feels so harsh, at a tricky age where friendships can be very fickle. I'd follow past sage advice to let her earn it back.

She is 15. In years to come, she will hopefully grow up and learn the value of self reflection. She will be able to look back and think….”they cancelled my party because I was awful” because that it is the truth. If she doesn’t learn that? She’s in for a rocky road as an adult.

My first thought when I read the OP update is that the daughter is going to be very embarrassed with her friends at school tomorrow. I half wonder if she will fail to come home afterwards. I used to help run a youth club. A few times irks came in complaining that their parents had punished them in the way the OP intends. It got to the point that my colleague and I would say 'wouldn't be surprised to get a call from the police tomorrow night asking if we know where the x might be'. Linking this need to sort poor behaviour to a Birthday is so over the top. But clearly the OP is not prepared to accept she went too far. I agree with others that in 15 years time she will be complaining that she never sees her daughter or any grandchildren.

Ate you maybe making too big a deal of normal teenage behaviour? It's the time of life when young people want to stress their autonomy but don't know exactly how to do that.

I think cancelling the shopping trip could mar future birthdays and I think it could also destroy your relationship with her.

I agree with a PP that you propose a birthday party in the long summer holidays and let her “earn” this with improved behaviour. That way she doesn’t lose face with her friends and she may become a nicer person! Win win.

Perfectly said. I was self harming, begging for attention but my mum was too busy focused on her own life(going out drinking every weekend, not caring about my MH- I now have been diagnosed with BPD). I am no contact with her due to many, many reasons but how she treated me during my most vulnerable time is definitely a major factor.

@outerspacepotato nails it. That punishment will be something she never forgets and for all the wrong reasons. You can't just piss all over a teens birthday and expect to have a good relationship going forwards, not to mention spending time with 'the family' now being tied in with the punishment. I would tell her how frustrated you are with her behaviour recently and that's not who you think she is, which is why you had an overreaction but here's some things she can do to sort it out and get the birthday celebrations back on track. If she won't have time to do it in time for the original planned date, then just move it on a week or so. It's not uncommon to have a party/whatever at a different date to the actual birthday.

Your way is like not inviting someone to your wedding after a row/falling out, it's not something you can ever retract once you've kissed and made up. The memory of that hurtful act will always be there as a sour note in the background.

Well that’s one way to break down a relationship with a teenage daughter.

Why? And how? Did you involve her school?

It’s the party and shopping trip with friends that are off the table. She’s not grounded, but we’ve told her we won’t be facilitating anything extra or celebratory beyond that. It’s not a punishment in the “cruel” sense, just us saying “you’ve made bad choices and we can’t reward them right now”.

While I agree it hard to back down now you said it - I'd worry this would impact on her friendship group and how they perceive her - and could cause a lot more damage.

I would perhaps give her change to earn the shopping trip with friends back with good behavior perhaps nearer summer hoildays.

I'd also try and figure out what's going on - when our kids have behaved poorly there usually been a reason for it often school related - friendship groups or more general worries - and we're mostly considered really strict parents and kids are considered reliable and well behaved by adults they encounter in life.

I think it’s highly unlikely that the child would be happy with these outings as a replacement for a shopping trip and a party! Nothing will make up for losing that, and I think cancelling it would cause more harm than good.

It is horrible to do, but this is a consequence to her behaviour. She's not being forced to behave the way she does. You've told her the options and she's chosen to miss a birthday. She chose this herself.

If her behaviour improves, then reward it with a late birthday celebration but it needs to be a good few months of persistently good behaviour.

But why is it necessary to link the discipline for poor behaviour to a Birthday? Why not remove phone instead? I think you are trying to convince yourself that the low key celebration will be something she will like or appreciate. I think you have just managed to make life 10 times worse between you and your child. Your husband was wavering for very good reason.

I also agree with a proper discussion about her behaviour and what's going on and earning back a shopping trip or similar rather than a rushed party and nothing learnt on either side. May be conjecture but does she have another sibling who is no trouble at all (in your view)? That or a lot of external issues yourself? I ask as her behaviour sounds fairly commonplace to me. Please stay in control and keep a sense of proportion and don't push her away.

Awful, for some back chat, skipping school once and some general normal teenage behaviour. You’re calling her awful for that? Maybe you need some self reflection. Because I’m fairly sure she’ll grow up, look back and think ‘wow I really wasn’t that bad and they massively over reacted’

Agree with others that you now have to stand by what you've said. But if she's open to discussion then lay out a plan where she can earn individual things back.

She's getting a cake and a small present. I don't think I EVER got much more than that from my parents!

I think the overall effect of cancelling her birthday treats leaves her with a rather wooly "I need to be good/perfect all the time or my treats are taken from me" unachievable leaving her angry so might as well crack on behaving however you feel.

I think each of her behaviours are individual behaviours that need dealing with and ideally a natural consequence at the time. E.g. if the "lying" was about where she was for example I would be saying "lie to me about where you are and I will be handing you over to friends parents if you go to see friends and telling them that you aren't allowed out without supervision- they will have to call me to collect you if you if your friends want to go out" Hopefully even the threat is enough that she won't lie again.

Backchatting/cheek - I just choose something I am about to do for my son - give him a lift or take him somewhere and say "I won't be giving you a lift if you are speaking to me like that - why should I". It's usually enough for an apology.

I think this all goes along with disliking the behaviour but not making the child feel dislike which could easily happen if they are told they are bad/unpleasant and birthday celebrations are cancelled.

Now you have said celebrations are cancelled I think I would say we can review if I see a shift in attitude. But don't expect perfection - back chat is a normal part of parenting and just needs dealing with as it occurs. But zero skipping school would be a red line for me. You could lay out a couple of red lines and write them down but they need to be easily measurable and achievable- like "no skipping lessons". Anything like "no back chat" over several months is too wooly or unachievable- sometimes one persons "back chat" is another person just disagreeing with you.

Also agree with this.

I have two teens - I know the landscape. I don't think her 'crimes' are particularly out of the ordinary. Her behaviour needs to change, but the esculation to wrecking her birthday plans is too much imo. Yes, family day out, whatever, but it's not her choice of celebration.

I don't think this is the right way to improve things, frankly. Yes, for sure she'll remember it, but it's not the way I would choose to make positive changes.

I truly hope you can find some way to let her 'earn' back the birthday that she actually wants. These years are short and teenagers are so in need of support and love and positive guidance, even in their worst behaviours.

I don’t usually say this.. but I agree with your husband.
You need to put rewards in place for better behaviour let her earn rewards back, don’t use her birthday as punishment. She’ll really resent you, she’s being a teenager that’s pushing boundaries.