To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

Does she have a smartphone?

Overreact much?

Talking back and skipping school once and you cancel her once a year birthday. Yeah, this is the birthday she'll always remember.

This is not going to inspire a positive behavioural change.

I disagree that you have to follow through with the punishment. You are human, you can admit to a mistake. She's 15, not 3.

I would tell her that of late you have been very stressed and worried about her behaviour and that you will consider re-instating the party and shopping trip if she offers you a decent explanation for specific instances of bad behaviour AND promises to try to communicate better and not do stuff that she knows to be wrong.

Cancelling the party is the nuke. I wouldn't do that - it could cause her to get worse and hate you.

I'd ask her what she thinks is a suitable consequence for her behaviour given nothing has worked so far. And what behaviour she will commit to between now and then to earn back, and get her agreement that if she doesnt stick to this, then her party wont bw happening. I agree mostly that you shouldn't give a threat of a punishment that you're not going to follow through on. But at 15 you can sit down and have a discussion and explain you said it in complete frustration as nothing is working, but you've had a re think as you love her and you don't want her to have a shit birthday...but use this to show her just how at the end of your tether you are

Yes this is what I think

Your relationship is what’s really important here.

OP have you ever read “the book you wish your parents had read” I think it’s as relevant to having a teenager here as a younger child. Also have you ever read Sarah Ockwell Smith’s book about teens?

Like I said, I don’t have a teenager, but I still think your relationship is more important than all of this stuff. What does your gut tell you?

Are you spending enough time together?

Dread reaching this stage with my own kids, I must be hard. I hope you two can sort it out.

I don’t think that alienating her further is the answer. The punishment just enforces her insecurities and beliefs of why she has been acting badly.

Those beliefs may stem from feelings of not feeling good enough, or unloved and wanting to test you or any other number of teen angst things where they believe they are being wronged and are a victim.

Downplaying her birthday is just going to reaffirm her low self esteem and fuel further resentment and wanting badly towards you.

I wouldnt have gone down this route but now you started you need to follow through.
I would get her a nice cake and make some effort though as this is just going to drive a bigger gap and cause resentment

I would potentially tell her she is allowed to have an August party if her behaviour improves

She said a small present and a cake. Which isn't exactly a celebration for a teenager
Sadly I think cancelling the celebrations will deepen the rift between the daughter and her family and is likely to make her behaviour even worse.

This is really difficult, OP. I have enormous sympathy for you and I agree that going back on your word is not a good idea.

These are not trivial behaviours by any means, but consider what other 15 year olds routinely get up to (including those from ‘good homes’): drink, drugs, pregnancy, running away. While you are right that things must change, it may help to keep some perspective.

Can you offer DD something that has not yet been mentioned, perhaps conditioned on some good behaviour? Eg inviting one friend to the birthday dinner, or giving her the ££ to host one friend for a meal and a film (if you trust her that far)?

Gently, as someone whose parents really did not understand me, who had to find my own way psychologically from her age and who has seen a certain amount of distress amongst my undergraduate tutees, she sounds unhappy. She may not rise to the distress threshold for counselling on the NHS right now. Can you afford to explore private help? She is not likely to recognise the need for it, so I would encourage that it be with someone she can likely bond with ( it sounds superficial, but matters) and that she try at least several sessions.

Perhaps an online or group arrangement might be more economical?

Best wishes to your family

I say stick to it girl, both you and dh should be firm and united, dont let him good cop his way out of it xx

Do not back down. Whether it is reasonable or excessive or not is what is not important here. Stick to your guns 100%. Don't fall for the earning it back which is not appropriate in my view.

I don't think you can back down now. From someone who was off the rails as a teen, this would have just made me angry with my parents and have less respect for them. It wouldn't have been effective at all. You would be best working on connecting with her and getting to the bottom of what's going on.

All these posts here about the relationship etc. This is why kids nowadays are out of control. You are her parent, not her friend. Parents are so scared that their kids will hate them, that they never set any boundaries. Shes not gonna hate you for one party. And if she does then theres other things wrong in the relationship.

I wouldn't cancel her birthday celebrations.

A lot of it sounds like general teenager behaviour, pushing boundaries, finding out who they are.

It doesn't exactly sound like unhealthy wildly concerning behaviour- she's not chronically matching school, no mention of alcohol, drugs, dangerous boyfriends, underage sex, crime etc.

Setting a very string boundary line may have the opposite effect- she may start to really rebel if she thinks her entire relationship with her parents has broken down.

Before you make your final decision, I would try a heart to heart, "as parents you we love you and our job is to keep you safe & want the best for you in life. We know it's tough as a teenager and that it's a stage where you'll want to experiment and try things etc. However, we really need to find a way that you can do that while still having respect for us, for you and that we all start getting along better - do you want to talk about what changes we both need to make so everyone is happier".

I know if she refuses to engage, you might have to stand by your punishment but offer her a way back first. It's very difficult for teenagers not to dig their heels in and make things worse. Offer her a way back, so that you can improve the relationship. It's negotiation - the better your behaviour, the more trust we have it you and the more freedom we can give you. We need to be able to trust you'll do the right things and when we see that, you can then.....

It's worth a try.

You want to wait until the worst case scenario until you set a boundary?

I like the idea of a late celebration when things improve. Call it a summer party or whatever.

…and what’s your next move if this doesn’t work? At 15, you are getting to the stage where this kind of punishment stops working, and they start just walking out the house. You’ll need to find another way of dealing with it.

You have said it now. Never make a threat you aren't prepared to follow through with.

I definitely wouldn't have done this, its the type of punishment that, in my opinion, will do more harm than good in the long run. It will be remembered, but not in a good way.

If I were you, I would talk to DD, tell her that you really don't want to do this but her behaviour has been difficult. Suggest that you will reinstate the birthday plans, but there will be an alternative consequence of...... (whatever is appropriate in your household) and re-iterate the boundaries.

If you get her back on-side then it's an opportunity to discuss her behaviour, none of it sounds too out of the ordinary for teens. Also, it could be an opportunity to revisit the boundaries. Can some be relaxed?

Turn it from a negative into a positive.

If you follow through, your daughter will always remember this birthday. for all the wrong reasons. Yes we celebrate birthdays but they are not a reward. We compete another year of life, and most people in our society mark it in some way. To punish for bad behaviour by reducing her birthday celebration to a cake and one small present is in my opinion complete overkill. Her behaviour doesn't actually sound that bad on the scale of what 14/15 year old are capable of. By going with the nuclear reaction you have left nothing in your armoury for the future. I would agree to her having a realistic celebration and deal with the behaviour separately.

I came here to say pretty much the same.

I don’t think a boundary and a punishment are the same thing, boundaries are very important. I’m also not preaching being the perfect parent, I’m just saying that teenagers are not young adults they are children, our relationship with them is the most important thing.

Out of interest, do you have a teenager?

I’m torn on this, as with teen one I would have totally agreed with the follow through doctrine, but teen two is a totally different kettle of fish. I think you can back down, but I am coming at that from the fact that one of my issues with my DD is her total inability to admit mistakes or hold her hand up to making a choice in the heat of the moment. So I am trying to model that behaviour.

It doesn’t sound like she is responsible enough for a party though

Absolutely not. That's not what I've said at all.

I'm suggesting not going to the nuclear option. (Cancelling a 15 or 16 year olds birthday entirely will be a massive deal to someone that age).

I'm suggesting a more muted celebration but also giving a teenager who appears to have lost their way, a way back.

I was a rebellious, boundary pushing teenage once and I know how some of the well intended actions of my parents would have result in more boundary pushing when I didn't have the maturity to find my way back. My parents would agree too. They got tougher, I got worse. It only turned when they tried the opposite approach - the one I suggested.

My dc are 18 and 21 and they are great people and have never been ‘out of control’ but if they had been l I wouldn’t have cancelled my child’s birthday party, because that’s what going shopping with friends is when you are fifteen. I think the OP should have tried reconnecting with her dd. Bringing her in rather than pushing her out.

I think you are wrong that ‘she’s not gonna hate you for one party’. I think she might. She will be embarrassed because this is something that her friends are involved in and so now she is going to be resentful.

I feel like cancelling her birthday was a bit draconian but if you back down now you'll completely lose any remaining respect she has for you. Hopefully she'll learn a lesson.