To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

Do they, well some people are deluded aren't they.

What is clear from some of these comments is that the leading hive of hatemongers aka, the Daily Mail Readers, use the DM as some kind of guide to parenting, blaming all of societies ills on Gentle Parenting.

Well it’s probably true 🤣

Life is too short and you never know what can happen. I couldn't personally take away a birthday as punishment seems a bit too harsh. Also, at 15 there are only a few more childhood birthdays that you get to celebrate.

YANBU, she needs to learn that actions have consequences. Definitely stick to it.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

Well, this is another consequence, but for you and DH this time. She is feeling aggrieved and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. She just needs time. How did you expect her to react?

She sounds like a normal teenager. She won’t want a family birthday instead of a party and shopping trip with her mates. At this age friends are massively important. Personally I think your decision is OTT and I really would reconsider it.

I'm not sure if I'd even do cake or presents tbh. Maybe just a card or a letter with a serious message inside ("we won't celebrate you turning 15 because you haven't been acting in a way that shows you understand what that age means. If you prove to us all that you can behave like a responsible young adult over the course of the year, then we would love to celebrate your 16th next year. But focus on earning back trust this year"). Sounds like she's long overdue a wake-up call.

I'm actually a very polite person, but I think I'd be telling my mother where she could put the next year's birthday.

Just cannot believe you would do this...her crimes are not that bad and even if they are, should have been dealt with at the time.

So @BauerBorgare you going to back down or stand your ground ?

Wow.

What a load of bollox!

Clearly someone whose experience of teenagers is non existent.

Bloody hell
just no words

'kin'ell. She's been doing some low level arsing about. They need to leave something in the tank in case she starts going full Kevin

The birthday can still be celebrated. Just not in the way the birthday girl wants.

Honestly, awful approach.

Maybe it is too late now, but do you honestly think this will work?

She will feel sad about having no birthday, then sit there and think "I must change my ways!" And become a lovely teenager?

That isn't how behavior or relationships work at all.

What will happen, is that she will resent you, and likely rebel even more. Which is almost always what happens with 1-off big punishments or losses.

Behavior is built up slowly and gradually over time, through consistent actions, not through big shows of discipline, rewards of punishments. Clearly you and your husband haven't quite managed things right with her for quite some time, and in response to your failures to find solutions/fixes, you now want a dramatic show of force. Then when this doesn't work, I expect you will blame your daughter again.

Go back to basics. Back to 0. Sit down as a family. Talk heart to heart. Agree basic rules, wants, principles, goals etc. And start from the ground up again - and maybe in 1-2 years it will show some positive outcomes.

In the mean time, give her a birthday part.

I think there are times when “don’t back down” is good advice. Times like training a dog, teaching a class of children, and parenting toddlers.

I think parenting a teenager is one of the times it’s not strictly necessary. She’s old enough to speak like an adult. To understand the position you’re in. Why you said it. The concerns you have about backing down.

I would try and talk to her about it and listen to her. See what she suggests. I do think the punishment is excessive and I think she should be allowed to earn it back, providing she is able to engage in earnest conversation about the issues going on.

At 15 I was definitely capable of understanding this situation and dilemma you’re in but nobody really bothered trying to speak to me that way. I’d give her the chance to be mature.

I don’t think having a party at home helps. To her ruining her birthday is her punishment. The party with you is now part of a punishment.

Still mean and petty over what sounds like some teenage moodiness.

This is berserk. Do you get nasty cards on your birthday telling you to shape up because you've fallen short this year? Or are you knocking it out of the park and being perfect every year? Either way, this is not gonna earn you trust or respect.

Why have so few posters read the OP properly?? OP said they were having cake and a gift at home with family! The canceled part is going out with friends. Seriously, people.

We have read it. It includes:

we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home.

And She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled.

If we're assuming she's being grammatical, that means she was expecting a party and shopping tripe with friends - both have been cancelled and in their place is the cake and gift at home with family.

Which part of this do you think we're all so stupidly misunderstanding to the point you're getting all 'seriously, people'?

And to be clear, the cake and gift at home with family is not a party. It's at best OP's attempt at a consolation, but to most - and likely to DD - it's a punishment in these circumstances.

Yes, but the punishment element will be the elephant in the room at that tea party. You’ll be able to cut the atmosphere with a (cake) knife

A cake and one gift at home isn't a celebration for a teenager. She is hardly likely to want the cake or a gift.
I also wonder what the big thing is that this girl has done. Incident's should be dealt with separately when they occur and I think OP said they have done that. So is this an extra punishment over and above those she has already had because she is still acting like a rebellious teenager or has she done something extra major that warrants a huge punishment like this?
Incidentally I don't think punishments do work if you want to raise responsible, well balanced and happy adults. You need to build a strong relationship with your child and talk to them about what is happening in their life. Why did she skip school that day? Why is she lying? The other issues OP mentions sound very normal behaviour for a teenager with raging hormones.

You will forget what the initial conflict was about in no time. She will remember her 15th birthday punishment and your unforgiveness for life. Do you think that will earn you any respect?

So you don’t have or have not had teenagers? It would explain a lot about your posts if thats the case as the tenor is very much from a place of “didn’t do me any harm” rather than first hand experience as a parent of teens.