To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

My parents did this to me when I was turning 13 for similar reasons. I only received a card on my birthday, party was cancelled and no presents. I was skipping school because I was being bullied and they just didn't understand me hence the lashing out. I have never forgotten this and I actually think it's pretty damn abusive behaviour now. It's an outdated, authoritarian style of parenting; if you do this to your daughter she will resent you and will want to push boundaries even further.

I think it’s fine to scale back the birthday(not cancel) if it’s gone well beyond normal teenage antics and if she had plenty of warning of the consequences. Definitely agree to giving her opportunities to improve so she can earn back the party.

As a parent of several teens I think that it's a very harsh punishment and I think admitting you made a mistake suggesting such a harsh punishment would be the best thing to do. Teenagers benefit from flexibility from their parents as they get older, it's not about being a 'friend', it's about parenting wisely and modelling reasonable behaviour. Teenagers already know their parents aren't perfect and make mistakes, and pretending that isn't the case changes nothing.

You do however need to have a calm and serious discussion about how you are concerned about her behaviour over the last few months because it's changed and you want to know if there's anything going on that you don't yet know about that she might be finding overwhelming and needs your help with. Don't get angry, just point out that things have changed and, as her parent, you care about her and can help with things she might struggle with alone and she should always know she can come to you for help.

She will never forgive you, and in 10-15yrs time you will be moaning that you never see her, or your grandkids and you can’t understand why.

Having a relationship with open communication takes both parties, you expect her to open up to you but you either don’t know or don’t care why she is acting the way she is. You just want her to ‘behave’ to your standards at any cost.

You have said it now but it's rather mean to punish someone on a birthday, why don't you remove her electronics or ground her?

Saying she cannot celebrate her birthday is a very weird punishment. One she will never forget you implemented either.

has she had any counselling?

A cake and gifts at home is more than acceptable anyway. Stand your ground, she’ll remember this.

Celebrate but keep it low key. Cake with candles and small celebration with closest family. Grandparents etc. Don't go all out. Subtle is best.

I think you can give consequences for her behaviour without tying it to her birthday.

No punishment on any birthday, you need to make exceptions. It's one day.

They aren’t going to ignore her birthday they said they’d have cake and a small family party

This.

I think stand by what you've said now you've said it.

However, at least without extra context of what you have tried, it sounds like rather lazy parenting from what you've described. She doesn't sound too bad. Raher her behaviour has been allowed to build up until a convenient occasion to make a point has arisen. I think it's a bit disproportionate. Each incident could have been nipped in the bud at the time harder. Truancy? What's that about, following friends, bullying or struggling with engagement or work?

Definitely do something nice on the day but I would have a rethink about being more on the ball about these minor ish things building up.

This.

Connection is needed here. If you cancel her birthday celebrations then you are at a disconnect. You are alienating and pushing her away. You need to bring her in closer.
Be curious, why is she pushing boundaries, what is it that she’s missing that she’s seeking in her behaviour? My teen did some dumb stuff, it was all about self esteem in the end. We didn’t punish and never do. We loved him harder and pulled him closer and he came through it. He’s an adult now and a joy. Teen hormones are so difficult.

I have zero relationship with my parents. They did a lot wrong but one of the most painful memories I have was them telling me I didn’t deserve the Christmas presents they gave me because I had been so bad. They didn’t try and figure out why.

You can back down and you absolutely should.

Excellent post

That's still shit from the pov of a pissed off teen. This is what I mean - it makes celebrating with family into part of the punishment instead of it being a nice thing. If she's mature enough to take it on the chin and enjoy the day with just cake and family, then she doesn't need punishing to this extent anyway and I'd renegotiate to allow the shopping trip if she sorts her behaviours out now. If ehs' not that mature, then she'll spend the day fuming and the family cake celebration will just be occasion for more upset and with some justification.

this is good advice

You've managed to turn spending time with her family on a special occasion into a punishment. That's quite the accomplishment.

You've overreacted so strongly and been so authoritarian over relatively trivial behaviours that you've given her no incentive for changing, in fact, now she's got a reason to have an attitude. She can't earn the party or the shopping back. What next, take away cake? Where will you go from there? There's aren't many more nukes you can drop.

This is her 15th birthday and it's a big deal to her.

You've made a big mistake and acknowledging that is not a parenting misfire, in my opinion.

You have to go through with it, it's your only hope of maintaining some sort of authority. She's heading off the rails and you need to do what you can to keep her on track.

I think you're in the wrong ... A birthday is a celebration of her. A day once a year to shower her with love & attention. What you have mentioned sounds like typical teen stuff. I usually say follow through also but I think it's okay to explain you were frustrated and made a mistake.

You can still celebrate her birthday without needing to go OTT with a shopping spree and a party.

Do cake and presents at home and a trip bowling, cinema etc.

It is a bit extreme. Agree with PP who say give her the chance of a delayed celebration if she meets certain goals. But make them realistic. She's still a kid. You can have boundaries without perpetuating this adversarial dynamic.

Unless you've played something down none of what you list is so terrible. Make sure she feels understood. She needs to feel you are in her corner, even when you are setting limits.

Whilst I am fully in agreement with the sentiment that this child needs to be punished, I’m not sure this is the way to do it. Cancelling the shopping trip with friends will cause massive resentment but won’t teach her anything.She will remember it for ever, and hate you for it. If she has to cancel the trip, she will suffer because her friends are likely to call her out on it.
If it were me, I would cancel the party. I would cancel the birthday tea as well. The reason for this is, can you imagine the atmosphere if you go ahead with it? She will be sullen, may even refuse to eat and will generally make it a hellish occasion. I would give her the presents, have a normal tea, but with birthday cake and leave it at that. Beyond giving her the gifts, I would then totally ignore the fact that it’s her birthday. If she complains,tell her she was lucky to be allowed the shopping trip, and that she nearly lost that. Tell her that it was partly so she wasn’t ridiculed by her friends for not going, but that you would never be agreeable to backing down in future, now that this has shown you how difficult she can be. Hopefully, this will put enough of a damper on things that she might think about her actions and learn from the outcome.
Whatever you do, don’t back down. You are the parent here. Prove it!

“…talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once.”

Have you asked her - and really listened - why she’s acting like this? Teen behaviour doesn’t just happen in a vacuum, there are reasons. Sometimes they’re dumb reasons which need strict parenting, or guidance. Other times it’s because they’re hurting or struggling. I really despair when I read that parents of teens just want to punish without understanding.

I was a nightmare teen. Why? Because I was let down by authoritarian parents who were clueless and not interested in me as a growing individual. Their oh so clever ‘our-home-our-rules’ ‘punishments’ drove me away and I’ve never forgiven them. Don’t be a dick to your teenager. Lovingly try to understand them and mentor them to a better way of dealing with life.