To not let DD celebrate her birthday this year?

[BauerBorg]

DD is turning 15 this week, but due to her behaviour over the past few months, we’ve told her there won’t be a party or any celebrations beyond a cake and a small present at home. She’s been pushing boundaries in every direction — talking back, lying, not pulling her weight at home, and even skipping school once. We’ve tried everything from grounding to talking calmly to involving school, but nothing has made a dent.

She was expecting a party and a shopping trip with friends, which we’ve now cancelled. She’s been in tears and saying we’re being unfair and ruining her birthday. I feel awful, but I also feel like we need to make a stand. She’s acting like she can do whatever she wants without consequence, and honestly, we’re both exhausted by it all.

DH agrees with the decision but keeps second-guessing it now that she’s giving us the silent treatment and making the whole house miserable.

AIBU? I don’t want to be cruel, but I also don’t want her thinking bad behaviour gets rewarded. Would love some outside perspective because it’s hard to see clearly when emotions are this high.

Well, you’ve said it now. So you’ll have to carry it through, otherwise you’ll undermine yourselves even more.

But brace for a very, very unhappy time for the foreseeable. She’s going to feel extremely aggrieved about this.

As a parent of a teenager I don’t think you should have gone down this road. I would definitely give her the chance to earn her shopping trip back at least.

Lots of teens behave like this, taking away everything is far more likely to just push her away. I would be letting her know that I don’t like her behaviour but always love her and will always be there trying to help her be the best person she can be. Usual number of presents and family meal or similar and the chance to earn back the shopping trip.

Don’t push her away.

Sounds like typical teen behaviour nothing excessive. I think you were wrong to cancel birthday celebrations but now you’ve said it you will have to follow through.

Think it will be a bone of contention for longer thsn you think.

Yes and no.

It’s more about the whole relationship, I think. Ideally the relationship will improve and that will be a reason to hold a party later.

I would not have cancelled the party but I agree with PP that it is very difficult to take that back in the current context without sending the wrong message

I would only ban or remove something she could earn back. She can't exactly earn back her desired birthday celebration.

I agree with this.
She's still a child emotionally and will be very hurt by the cancellation of her birthday. Don't want to be melodramatic, but it could damage your relationship forever. Be loving and negotiate. Give her a way to regain the right to have the party.

Honestly, this will stick with her for life. I still remember being punished on a birthday and I have never forgiven my parents for it.
You are driving an even bigger wedge between you.
Teenagers are hard. Sit down, talk, compromise.

I think cancelling the party was fine - 15 isnt a big birthday and I wouldn't think most teens that age would have a big part anyway - but not sure about the shopping trip - unless you live so rurally that she can't get there without you giving them a lift then effectively are you grounding her by saying she can't do anything with her friends at all that weekend? Because if you're saying you won't do much at home but she also can't leave the house to just hang out with her friends then not only is it cancelling her bday but is worse than a "normal" weekend.

But yes overall if you change your mind now that won't teach her anything but I also wouldn't punish her more by stopping her doing anything at all.

Say you'll always love her and will be glad she was born so you'll always do something to celebrate her bday - some presents, cake at home - but she's old enough now to understand that if its a natural consequence that you treat people badly they won't want to go over the top and do things like pay for big parties and treats for you. Her birth will always be something to celebrate but her recent behaviour over the past year isn't.

I think cancelling her birthday outings is very personal. You only get one a year, you only get 18 with your parents, and it’s a celebration of her being born, of being your daughter, that you love her and you’re glad she’s here. Don’t take that away.

Sit her down and tell her how you feel, that you are at your wit’s end - it’s ok for teenagers to see adults grappling with problems. Tell her that you have to come to an understanding about behaviour and reasonable punishment, but in the meantime you love her to bits. You both have to meet in the middle.

Otherwise pp are right, she will see it as a personal rejection. Imagine being 15 and your parents cancel your birthday do, you would feel unloved, or that their love is only conditional. You can be angry and love her at the same time, and you can explain that to her. As op have said, she hasn’t shoplifted or hit someone or got pregnant or done drugs - it could be much much worse!

And even if she is being defiant and you think she’s playing you - well whatever, have her
birthday together and resume hostilities afterwards!

She’s 15 not 5. Why would you reward her for awful behaviour? You are not refusing to celebrate her birthday, you will do that at home with family, but you aren’t paying for a party and a shopping trip for someone who has behaved badly. She is absolutely old enough to understand that actions have consequences.

OP, it has to be stick and carrot. So you’ve cancelled the shopping trip - give her some way of being able to earn it back. I’d also give her whatever you were intending by way of present - it’s still a birthday, at an age when such things still matter.

I don’t agree with having to follow through when it’s a 15 year old. Totally understand how you got to this point but I think there’s an opportunity for you to teach her about maturity and respectfully negotiating an improvement to a bad situation.

Appreciate all teens are different- but if this were one of mine, I’d go for a walk with them to talk about “where do we go from here”. No phones, no distractions, just an honest, adult conversation about why you’re both upset and frustrated. Tell her that you want your relationship to move past bad behaviour-> punishment because she’s nearly an adult so things should be getting better. See how she reacts to that. Make no promises. Ask her what she’d propose to move past where you are now. See what she says, take it from there. Walking outside should help you both to stay calm and focused on each other.

Best of luck. It’s not easy!

Hmm, now it feels like celebrating with her family is a punishment, not a nice thing. I think it would have been more effective to say she has to behave and so will earn the shopping trip with friends and to keep up that standard or else xyz sanctions, but not to have gone this nuclear yet. Even the one day skiving isn't so bad in the scheme of things. Teens do push boundaries and you push back and you'll both get through it, but this does feel too big a punishment for the crime and one that she'll begrudge you forever. I'd renegotiate if she can show she's mature enough to show remorse and work with you constructively now.

I don’t really understand what you mean. It’s a birthday party, for her birthday Not a party to celebrate the relationship.

Now you’ve said it you can’t go back. You just right too, if your ruining her day explain to her how her behaviour affects every other day.
15 can be a tough age to get through

Children are no more out of control now than in any other time maybe less so in many ways.
It isn't about parents being scared that their children will hate them, if you think that you have misunderstood PPs comments.
But if you want your children to grow into successful ,happy and responsible adults who will talk to their parents and come to them if they have problems then you have to build a positive relationship with them . It's not about being their friend it's about being a loving, understanding parent who can guide and help their children.
An authoritarian relationship is as bad as an overly liberal one.

Sounds like she is behaving like a not particularly difficult teen and you have a heavy-handed and unrelated consequence. It will probably make her worse and damage your relationship. You sound authoritarian to me

Don’t back down! My niece just turned 14 and for the last 6 months has been vile… drama… rude … lazy and mean. We beyond typical teenage crap. We went out as a family last month and she borrowed my very expensive water bottle. Mid way round the walk I asked where it was and her attitude was awful saying’ oh I must of put it down. I don’t Know it’s not mine is it. ‘ no attempt to find it. her older brother ran back and luckily found it on a bench. I kept quiet but at her birthday last week I handed her a card. Nothing else. And I usually go all out.. and take her out for the day. She had no realisation and almost looked shocked when I said she was getting nothing until from me until she was someone I enjoyed being around again.

If you back down now you will make a rod for your own back because it shows her performance and sulking has worked and that this behaviour makes others give in and gets you what you want.

The behaviour she learns now will become the skills she will rely on for the rest of her life.

Cancelling the shopping trip is fine, so is not having a party. As long as you do a cake and present at home. Though be prepared for drama and her to not be interested on the day.

…a thread full of people who were perfect teenagers.

Weren’t we all dickheads at that age ???

Sounds like a very mild punishment to me as you’re still celebrating her birthday with the family. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DS was 16 last month and we had a family day out in the nearest city with a supermarket cake for the evening. That was our normal and not a punishment.

Sounds like OP’s DD is acting like a spoilt madam, so toning down on the celebrations seems a reasonable way to go and only do nice stuff when her behaviour consistently improves, otherwise what’s her incentive to change?

Thanks all, lots to think about here. I’m reading everything, even the posts that disagree — I do appreciate the honesty.

To clarify, we’re not cancelling her birthday completely. She’ll still have a cake, card, a couple of presents and a nice tea at home with us. It’s the party and shopping trip with friends that are off the table. She’s not grounded, but we’ve told her we won’t be facilitating anything extra or celebratory beyond that. It’s not a punishment in the “cruel” sense, just us saying “you’ve made bad choices and we can’t reward them right now”.

I totally hear the points about needing to follow through now we’ve said it. That’s exactly why I’m hesitant to backpedal. It would just prove to her that enough sulking gets her what she wants — which is half the problem already.

That said, I’m not against the idea of giving her something to aim for. I actually really like the suggestion of planning something for later in the summer if there’s genuine change in attitude and she meets certain goals. I’m going to speak to DH and see how we could set that up without undermining what we’ve already said.

Appreciate the thoughts about connection too. It’s something we’ve been trying but it’s been hard. She doesn’t want to talk most of the time and just shuts down. But maybe a family meal or something calmer on her actual birthday could help, like some of you suggested.

Anyway, thank you again — it’s really helped to hear from others, especially those with teens or who’ve been through similar.

I’ve got a couple of teens - one really tricky - i wouldn’t have cancelled a birthday treat - she will never forget that ever - it will be part of the story of her childhood and her relationship with her parents . Teenagers are hard work - never forget though that they are often way more terrified of growing up than they let on .

Sorry, it was a bit cryptic.

You said that your DC came through this age without going out of control, but if they had you wouldn’t have cancelled the party.

This party has been cancelled and while I wouldn’t have done that, I think the DD’s reaction - giving her family the silent treatment, etc - whilst not unusual, raises questions about whether reinstating it now is a good idea.

The late party would not be to ‘celebrate the relationship’ but presumably DD wouldn’t want to call attention to the cancelled birthday later. I only meant that when everyone is happier, because the relationships are better, a Summer Party might be a nice idea.