To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

[AnonymousMum37]

Hi, I wanted to ask some advice anonymously.

My 9 year old daughter hates anything she sees as bad for you e.g. alcohol, smoking, tattoos, piercings... . She is autistic and very black and white about what she sees as good and bad.

I have 3 small tattoos (from before she was born), pierced ears, and I enjoy a moderate amount of alcohol (a glass or two of wine with dinner 2/3 nights a week and go out to the pub with friends maybe once a month).

I have never smoked or vaped, but I have some friends who do.

Her reactions are getting unbearable.

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them. I don't like it either so I can understand but they are not bad people.

She begs me at the supermarket not to buy wine, loudly making a scene as though I'm a raging alcoholic, so I can no longer buy it with the weekly shop as it is mortifying.

She refuses to do her chores unless I promise not to drink anymore. I stupidly relented recently and said that I would not have a drink for a few weeks and then last night I had had a long day and had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner and at bedtime she was screaming and crying saying she can't trust me and I am a liar and I'm not ever allowed to drink again.

I know this sounds awful, and when she's saying it I start feeling like I must be an awful parent..

I do so much for her and she already controls so much of family life. I don't like her feeling she can control what I do when it doesn't even affect her.

She is adamant I should not get any more tattoos when I was thinking about one recently. I feel like I'm the rebellious child and she's the strict parent.

It's very hard to argue with her because of course she is right in a way, alcohol, smoking, tattoos, none of these things are good for us, but at the same time I would like her to be tolerant of people's rights to make their own choices and see that we are not good or bad people but unique and complex combinations. I have tried comparing it to her choosing to eat sweets sometimes which is not great for you but fine in moderation but she can't make that link.

Am I being unreasonable to say I am allowed to drink alcohol?

You are not being unreasonable to want a glass of wine, but it’s important to see this from her point of view. She is scared, and you are very important to her.
I remember being scared at her age whenever my dad took a hand off the steering wheel to take a sip of drink or similar, and begged him not to. I thought we were all going to die in a car accident. It was very real to me back then.
Never, ever make promises that you can’t or won’t keep. She is right that she cannot trust you.

My mum was drinking spirits at this age and getting drunk a lot in the house - I hated it

I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old to dictate to me

For adults occasional consumption of alcohol in moderation isn’t bad. Maybe education is the solution.

Oh, bless her! The rigid thinking goes with the territory. Doesn’t make it easy though! In fact, it sounds to me like you deserve your wine 😁

i think you need to extoll the health benefits of a glass of red wine
teach her different opinions count

She’s 9 ffs. She shouldn’t be “dictating” anything. Good luck with the teen years if you don’t crack down on this now. With her autism, you will need to persist in explaining and educating lots, but she definitely shouldn’t be allowed to rule your life like this.

Hmm, voice of the child is important here

(I'm a Safeguarding Lead).

I've dealt with situations where children voice worries about a parents drinking habits. That's always a child who's views need to be heard.

You sound like you want to dismiss your child's voice OP. That also speaks volumes.

Your rationale that you disregarded her voice because of your daughters additional needs, is one of the known reasons why SEND children are more vulnerable; their voice is more easily disregarded.

Your drinking really matters to your daughter. So do the substances your friends use. You need to listen to that and not minimise or disregarded.

I’m an ex teacher. Would it help if you were to have a chat with her teacher? He or she may agree to speak to the class about accepting people for who they are and not judging. I’d have been happy to do it and would have gone full throttle, finding examples of tattoo covered philanthropists 😄
Sometimes kids it it more seriously from their teachers and let’s face it, inclusion and acceptance is a good lesson for them to learn.

It is clear you aren’t an alcoholic so she needs to understand the difference between alcohol misuse and how you drink.

My son is 12 and autistic. Also very black and white thinking. He’d control a lot but I refuse to let him. It requires long conversations, a few very tricky days, but we are at the point where we don’t have that anymore.

I would ask her to read about responsible alcohol use vs alcohol misuse.

Go through the checklist showing your alcohol use is perfectly fine.

Once she accepts you are not misusing alcohol tell her that the matter is no longer up for discussion.

My son may be autistic but he needs to live in this world and if he wants to be accepted as he is, he needs to learn to do the same.

I have one with ASD/OCD etc and there was no way I tolerated shit like this let alone indulged it. You are the parent. They are the child. They don’t get to dictate anything.

take it more seriously 🙄

She is 9. You are the parent . She does not call the shots and indulging this behaviour will only make it worse.

edited to add she sounds controlling and manipulative.

The OP knows this and that’s why she’s asking us for help.

It sounds more like anxiety about it than just a control thing. She has probably taken lessons on alcohol very literally and is scared of you actually getting very unwell from drinking any.
Not got any ideas other than explaining that stress is also bad for people's health, and whilst alcohol is also bad for health sometimes it helps you relax and in small amounts it's OK because the body just clears it out like it does with chocolate/crisps and other unhealthy things.

I'm not getting that from ops post whatsoever, that she wants to disregard her DDs voice or minimise her feelings

It sounds tough op but you are of course right and this does need to be tackled, I'm not sure how though as my approach would be to just keep repeating what you have said re: choices etc.

And that's relevant to the OP how? She's not doing that.

Not saying she’s right, but would it be easier to just have the wine after she goes to bed?

Seriously? A 9 year old should be allowed to dictate to adults what they can and can’t do? Absolute nonsense!

Well I would not let her call the shots on this or be rude to any of my friends who might smoke or vape. I’d sit her down and talk to her about how enjoying a few glasses of wine is completely different to being an alcoholic. Find some resources for her. I’d also be explaining that she cannot force her views on others, as society doesn’t work like that. She will find herself in lots of trouble through her life if she tries to force people into doing what she thinks is right.

Bad mistake to say you wouldn’t drink. If she doesn’t do her chores then i’d punish that accordingly. Don’t give into her demands now or you’re facing a tough decade as she moves into her teenage years.

My DD is similar OP. She's autistic and very logical. She is revolted by smoking and doesn't understand why people drink, get piercings etc.
Can you talk to her about the many illogical/risky things humans like to do and about how we balance risk and how we allow others to make their own choices etc?

Yes fair enough OP - I’m not insinuating you’re like my mum in any shape or form but this my experience of a parent drinking

but I appreciate that’s not you, OP ❤️

This feels very dramatic. The amount OP is drinking is moderate. She is the adult she gets to decide what she does. It’s not for her daughter to choose for her. I don’t think it’s a good message to send that if you kick off enough people will do what you want, not what they want. What will she be like when she’s older and doesn’t agree with the behaviour of friends, housemates, partners. Is she always going to expect people to bend to her will. I think this is an important lesson in autonomy for other people.

Controlling you is far worse for anyone's health than a glass of wine!

Very dangerous road to go down allowing a 9 year old dictate.
Do not bring her shopping with you if she can't behave herself.
Te her she goes to bed extra early if she doesn't want to see you have a glass of wine.

I would remove her if she was rude to other people about their choices and it would impact her directly by.not allowing her to do something she enjoys.

She may be autistic, but she is not tje boss of people and that needs making very clear to her.