To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

[AnonymousMum37]

Hi, I wanted to ask some advice anonymously.

My 9 year old daughter hates anything she sees as bad for you e.g. alcohol, smoking, tattoos, piercings... . She is autistic and very black and white about what she sees as good and bad.

I have 3 small tattoos (from before she was born), pierced ears, and I enjoy a moderate amount of alcohol (a glass or two of wine with dinner 2/3 nights a week and go out to the pub with friends maybe once a month).

I have never smoked or vaped, but I have some friends who do.

Her reactions are getting unbearable.

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them. I don't like it either so I can understand but they are not bad people.

She begs me at the supermarket not to buy wine, loudly making a scene as though I'm a raging alcoholic, so I can no longer buy it with the weekly shop as it is mortifying.

She refuses to do her chores unless I promise not to drink anymore. I stupidly relented recently and said that I would not have a drink for a few weeks and then last night I had had a long day and had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner and at bedtime she was screaming and crying saying she can't trust me and I am a liar and I'm not ever allowed to drink again.

I know this sounds awful, and when she's saying it I start feeling like I must be an awful parent..

I do so much for her and she already controls so much of family life. I don't like her feeling she can control what I do when it doesn't even affect her.

She is adamant I should not get any more tattoos when I was thinking about one recently. I feel like I'm the rebellious child and she's the strict parent.

It's very hard to argue with her because of course she is right in a way, alcohol, smoking, tattoos, none of these things are good for us, but at the same time I would like her to be tolerant of people's rights to make their own choices and see that we are not good or bad people but unique and complex combinations. I have tried comparing it to her choosing to eat sweets sometimes which is not great for you but fine in moderation but she can't make that link.

Am I being unreasonable to say I am allowed to drink alcohol?

Have you read a different original post?

It's so ignorant to call an anxious child with autism "controlling and manipulative"...

Ok but what is the actual advice here? What does hearing the child’s voice, look like to you? Is it just bending to her fears and anxieties and doing what she says? Because I don’t think it’s healthy to teach a 9 year old that she can control what other people/adults do. It’s not reflective of real life.

hmmm. What bollocks.

@LittleHangleton so if you as a safeguarding lead heard this child saying she was worried, called in the mum to discuss and the mum related how much she drank and her daughter’s need to control the actions of her and her friend you’d think the child’s voice reasonable?

Give over.

The DSL where I work would support the parent in communicating with her child - not allow the child to dictate in the way she’s trying to.

She is clearly anxious, as autistic children often are. I wiuld try to get to the bottom of the anxiety and find ways to reduce it. What is she scared of - is it because she has seen you drunk and found the change in you frightening?

Personally if drinking was causing extreme anxiety for my child, I would stop doing it. Its all very well people saying that children shouldn’t “dictate “ but for autistic children the world is a scary place and their severe anxiety can be very limiting for themselves and their families. Ignoring it is not a solution.

It sounds to me like her feelings on alcohol are coming from a place of fear. Can you find some literature that states that a couple of glasses of wine a week may be beneficial to health? This may help minimise her fear.

I can understand the temptation of this. But what happens when she goes off to University or whatever and ends up in a houseshare with other people who absolutely will not bend to her will? She needs to learn - fast - that it’s not up to her to control what other people do. It’s kinder to teach her that now.

I don’t understand why your friends are vaping or smoking around her? I’d growl at them too, frankly.

Buy wine when she’s not with you and have a glass when she’s asleep.

@TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou for a child, seeing a parent drunk is frightening because you are totally reliant on them for your safety/wellbeing and cannot just walk away from them. It is just not comparable to an adult seeing another adult drunk.

Set the rules out clearly for her. On a little card or poster.

1. Mummy is in charge and makes decisions about what she eats and drinks.

2. It is very rude to comment on the decisions other adults make about what they do with their own bodies.

3. Grownups make their own decisions about tattoos.

Maybe tell her she can work on one rule at a time, until she is OK with it. Read it a couple of times a day (NOT at a time when you're necking the wine 😂).

She's going to have to deal with a lot of things in life that are outside her own value system. Giving her a way to cope with them would be the biggest bonus here. In addition to you being able to have a glass of pinot noir with your dinner of course! (Of course you're not ever going to get steaming drunk in front of her!)

Yes exactly this and also posters here are too focused on the alcohol aspect which on here is always an emotive subject. She thinks people with piercings and tattoos are bad. As she gets older there will be other things she will see as bad and won't be accepting of so many people. Her world is going to be very tiny.

You really shouldn't be making promises you can't keep - you couldn't go even a few weeks without a drink? If you need alcohol because you've had a long day then I'm with your dd - find better, healthier ways to relax and destress.

No it isn’t. My daughter is the same. She isn’t in charge of the entire universe though so I don’t stand for it. The OPs daughter is rude to others too - unacceptable and not helping her in the longer term.

Such an anxious need to control aspects of black and white thinking.
I wouldn't see this as about the drinks, cigarettes or alcohol but as her struggling with the world around her.
You're not going to fix it fast.
Talk to the senco, try and get her some therapy
My fasd daughter hates alcohol. I've stopped drinking. It's easier.
Also, and I say this gently, I thought a couple of glasses a wine a few times a week was OK. It's not - it's more than most and more than recommended.

I’m going to try this - thank you - great idea.

Im autistic and feel similar about smoking.

That said, I hated when my mum drunk, not because of her health but because she was a different person and constantly in denial about it. Her tone and accent would change and she'd become bolshier, and very much "so what, if you have a problem with it that's your problem".

She just wasn't my mum when she'd had a drink, which was most nights.

It left me feeling very vulnerable. Now she calls me when she's drunk instead, and I hate it. I just tell her I'm busy, and it upsets her but she didn't care that her drinking upset me all my life.

what is your DD diet like? Just wondering if you could make a link between having occasional unhealthy treats like chocolate or crisps and the occasional glass of wine (although may need to tread carefully so she doesn’t end up with orthorexia instead)

You can tell the child you understand their point of view and listen to them but as an adult/ person/ parent you have the final decision. The parent should be able to buy wine, smoke or anything else they like without the child stopping them. Yes with a SEN child a more in depth conversation and explanation might be needed

It’s a good learning point for the child (SEN or not) that people have free choice and you can’t tell other people want to do!

She's autistic, she's unlikely to worry if her world is very tiny. in fact chances are she'll much prefer it that way! As a teen she'll be much better off staying away from the kids that smoke and drink anyway.

I wouldn't be too strong in discouraging those views OP - when you don't have to worry about her out, off her face at clubs getting up to all sorts with boys you'll appreciate her attitude more I'm sure. I had the easiest time when DS (ASD) was a teen as he was completely anti drink and smoking.

Autism means many see the world as black and white, with nothing in-between. It's possible your daughter has had lessons at school regarding vaping, smoking, alcohol even on a basic level and has taken everything told to her literally? Very often children who are ND take what they are told as gospel, and can't see anything else. What they've read or been told is right. You need to get resources to explain the difference between a person having a glass or two of wine, compared to someone who is an alcoholic. She needs to see differences, and understand that the two are vastly different. You need to see if you can get some resources on people being different but it not meaning they're bad. May be ask the school for help? It's difficult I know but her behaviour does need nipping in the bud. She is going to have a tough time the older she becomes, if she expects everyone to agree with her opinion and bend to her views. She can have her opinion, she doesn't have to like or agree with others choices/views but she should respect them and understand that being different to hers, doesn't make them 'bad'.

Can you explain to her about alcohol units and say that you are within the recommended guidelines?

As for smoking and vaping, explain about personal choices.

I think dcs get a lot of anti smoking etc stuff at junior school, which they take on board sometimes very fervently. Then at secondary they decide that the messages they were given were ott scaremongering, and will really pretty much ignore that sort of lecturing.

She is going to be an absolute social pariah if she openly judges and tries to control other people. It is kinder to teach her not to do this.

By all means, avoid hanging out with people who drink if it’s not your thing. But it’s not ok to “growl” at people who feel differently.

She needs to be told, autistic or not. You’ll never be allowed to breathe if it continues.

This...

How red wine in moderation is cardio protective.

Show her Screenshots of medical studies...

Perhaps alsp teach her that lots of people think tattoos are good for creativity and self expression?