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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

204 replies

AnonymousMum37 · 01/06/2025 09:29

Hi, I wanted to ask some advice anonymously.

My 9 year old daughter hates anything she sees as bad for you e.g. alcohol, smoking, tattoos, piercings... . She is autistic and very black and white about what she sees as good and bad.

I have 3 small tattoos (from before she was born), pierced ears, and I enjoy a moderate amount of alcohol (a glass or two of wine with dinner 2/3 nights a week and go out to the pub with friends maybe once a month).

I have never smoked or vaped, but I have some friends who do.

Her reactions are getting unbearable.

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them. I don't like it either so I can understand but they are not bad people.

She begs me at the supermarket not to buy wine, loudly making a scene as though I'm a raging alcoholic, so I can no longer buy it with the weekly shop as it is mortifying.

She refuses to do her chores unless I promise not to drink anymore. I stupidly relented recently and said that I would not have a drink for a few weeks and then last night I had had a long day and had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner and at bedtime she was screaming and crying saying she can't trust me and I am a liar and I'm not ever allowed to drink again.

I know this sounds awful, and when she's saying it I start feeling like I must be an awful parent..

I do so much for her and she already controls so much of family life. I don't like her feeling she can control what I do when it doesn't even affect her.

She is adamant I should not get any more tattoos when I was thinking about one recently. I feel like I'm the rebellious child and she's the strict parent.

It's very hard to argue with her because of course she is right in a way, alcohol, smoking, tattoos, none of these things are good for us, but at the same time I would like her to be tolerant of people's rights to make their own choices and see that we are not good or bad people but unique and complex combinations. I have tried comparing it to her choosing to eat sweets sometimes which is not great for you but fine in moderation but she can't make that link.

Am I being unreasonable to say I am allowed to drink alcohol?

To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.
OP posts:
LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 11:32

Helloworlditsmeagain · 01/06/2025 11:27

No social worker in the land will waste precious resources on the op.

Show quote history

Assuming the OP is being 100% truthful in her post and 100% open in portraying the thoughts of her child, you are absolutely correct. Nowhere near threshold. DSL at school would need a deeper conversation with the child better understand the child's lived situation before making that decision tho.

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/06/2025 11:32

FumingTRex · 01/06/2025 10:11

She is clearly anxious, as autistic children often are. I wiuld try to get to the bottom of the anxiety and find ways to reduce it. What is she scared of - is it because she has seen you drunk and found the change in you frightening?

Personally if drinking was causing extreme anxiety for my child, I would stop doing it. Its all very well people saying that children shouldn’t “dictate “ but for autistic children the world is a scary place and their severe anxiety can be very limiting for themselves and their families. Ignoring it is not a solution.

What else would you not do though, if it was making your child anxious? Drive a car? Get on a bus? Cross a road? Eat a cream bun? People have to live in the world as it is.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2025 11:33

AnonymousMum37 · 01/06/2025 11:16

The way she sees it is it is hurting yourself. Her description of piercings and tattoos is "paying someone to stab you" and with tattoos there's the added "injecting poison into your skin". I have tried explaining the ink isn't poisonous but she says "why can't I put pens in my mouth then?". I have tried many ways of explaining but she has an answer to everything! I just say "if you don't like them, you don't get them" but she is clear in her disapproval.

Show quote history

Is there anything she does which you're not keen on but allow her to do anyway?

Hkakge · 01/06/2025 11:33

TheAmusedQuail · 01/06/2025 10:17

Set the rules out clearly for her. On a little card or poster.

  1. Mummy is in charge and makes decisions about what she eats and drinks.

  2. It is very rude to comment on the decisions other adults make about what they do with their own bodies.

  3. Grownups make their own decisions about tattoos.

Maybe tell her she can work on one rule at a time, until she is OK with it. Read it a couple of times a day (NOT at a time when you're necking the wine 😂).

She's going to have to deal with a lot of things in life that are outside her own value system. Giving her a way to cope with them would be the biggest bonus here. In addition to you being able to have a glass of pinot noir with your dinner of course! (Of course you're not ever going to get steaming drunk in front of her!)

Edited

Very helpful post.

Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2025 11:34

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 10:53

If a child discloses they are worried about a parents drinking, it starts with a conversation with the child about impact. How does the drinking affect you (the child)? Are parents proving meals, keeping the home clean, whos looking after siblings? Has the child had to look after a drunk parent? Is there is money for heating and shopping? Then explore the child's feelings around drinking - is it fear? Control? Does it relate to something that happened previously? do they know other people who get drunk/high? Then explore reasons for these feelings, like, for example, why does Mum drinking feel out of control?

These are just a few examples of the start point for what my DSL team would be asking, not a definitive list. It very much depends on the individual case.

Going back to thr OP, the Child's Voice is key here, regardless how unpleasant that feels to other parents and posters here.

If the child says they are scared when mum drinks, or expresses feelings of loss of control, or anything else, we will want to know why. Being clear here, this first necessarily mean social care will swoop in. This isn't about a child protection responce (although it could). It's about not dismissing the child's voice.

I'll give an example of a child who tells untruths about her mums drinking in order to contol, and why shes still listened to. I've supported a girl who cannot tolerate her Mum drinking. She will often make stuff up that she knows will reach social care threshold any time mum has a single drink. Social care do an assessment and usually conclude that while mum is a drinker, her drinking isn't impacting the care of the child.

Why does this girl do this? Because we know, social care knows, Mum knows - that Mum and Mums partner are recovering alcoholics. They don't abstain. They still drink, but have a safety plan. This means they shouldn't drink at the same time if child is at home and that Mum and step dad know to take a break from each other if they start to argue (because it gets violent).

They do generally stick to this safety plan. But child has such trauma from what home used to be like with them, that seeing Mum with a can of Stella triggers her massively. Going on holiday triggers her. Even though Mum usually sticks to the safety plan. So, while I often know this girls fears are frequently not real, I understand why she's scared and everyone around her validates that she feels scared and out of control and understands.

This is just one example, there are many others.

Bottom line is - the child is expressing fear and a need to control. Understanding why she feels like that is important.

"The DSL where I work.." will give due regard to the voice of the child @Merryoldgoat. Because that's what KCSiE and WTTKCS insists we do.

Show quote history

But your post itself shows that in THIS case the child does not have reasonable concerns.

Yes, of course the child’s voice is important, but they don’t get to alter the reality of the situation and have you and other professionals worried about the home environment, when the issue is the child’s unwillingness to understand the difference between alcohol misuse and responsible drinking.

’Due regard’ should indeed be given, that doesn’t mean validating unfounded concerns.

It’s of zero help to reinforce the child’s unfounded fears in this case.

Spinachpastapicker · 01/06/2025 11:36

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 09:52

Hmm, voice of the child is important here

(I'm a Safeguarding Lead).

I've dealt with situations where children voice worries about a parents drinking habits. That's always a child who's views need to be heard.

You sound like you want to dismiss your child's voice OP. That also speaks volumes.

Your rationale that you disregarded her voice because of your daughters additional needs, is one of the known reasons why SEND children are more vulnerable; their voice is more easily disregarded.

Your drinking really matters to your daughter. So do the substances your friends use. You need to listen to that and not minimise or disregarded.

Oh fgs. Bit over the top.

shes not “ignoring her voice” - she just doesn’t want to be screamed at in the supermarket, not be bake to have friends round, or told by a 9 year old what she can and can’t do as an adult. OP’s drinking isn’t excessive or a worry. The daughter shouldn’t be in charge!

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/06/2025 11:38

Pollyanna87 · 01/06/2025 11:31

Just stop drinking. If you can’t, that shows you have a problem. You’ll lose weight, you’ll save money, you’ll set a good example for your daughter.

You should be able to hear my eyes roll from wherever you are. Honestly, you sound insufferable.

CherryBlossom321 · 01/06/2025 11:38

A cautionary tale for you, OP. A family known to ours have a daughter who was, at age 9, behaving in a very similar way. The parents found the meltdown/ backlash very stressful (as it is!), and chose to modify their choices and actions to avoid very challenging parenting scenarios. Their daughter is now 18 and quite honestly very scary. This couple no longer have a social life; their days and nights are dictated by what she wants to do and where she wants to go. They rarely have opportunity for private discussions and their phones are monitored by this young lady. And it all began with a dysregulated autistic 9 year old regarding something innocuous. She needed time and effort to have things explained to her, and a few boundaries. Choose your hard.

Gemmawemma9 · 01/06/2025 11:39

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 09:52

Hmm, voice of the child is important here

(I'm a Safeguarding Lead).

I've dealt with situations where children voice worries about a parents drinking habits. That's always a child who's views need to be heard.

You sound like you want to dismiss your child's voice OP. That also speaks volumes.

Your rationale that you disregarded her voice because of your daughters additional needs, is one of the known reasons why SEND children are more vulnerable; their voice is more easily disregarded.

Your drinking really matters to your daughter. So do the substances your friends use. You need to listen to that and not minimise or disregarded.

I work closely with safeguarding and this is not at all related to safeguarding and an utterly bizarre take.
OP education will help. Growling at your friends isn’t acceptable. She’s going to come up against this again and again as she gets older so helping her understand why she is wrong now will help her in the long run.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/06/2025 11:39

Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2025 09:53

It is clear you aren’t an alcoholic so she needs to understand the difference between alcohol misuse and how you drink.

My son is 12 and autistic. Also very black and white thinking. He’d control a lot but I refuse to let him. It requires long conversations, a few very tricky days, but we are at the point where we don’t have that anymore.

I would ask her to read about responsible alcohol use vs alcohol misuse.

Go through the checklist showing your alcohol use is perfectly fine.

Once she accepts you are not misusing alcohol tell her that the matter is no longer up for discussion.

My son may be autistic but he needs to live in this world and if he wants to be accepted as he is, he needs to learn to do the same.

I agree with this. Sensitive to her needs? Absolutely yes. Allowing her to dictate your life? A big no.

Cherrytree86 · 01/06/2025 11:40

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 11:27

No. Please read my other posts.

Show quote history

@LittleHangleton

i have. And you’re fixated on safeguarding when this isn’t a safeguarding issue.

Spinachpastapicker · 01/06/2025 11:40

FumingTRex · 01/06/2025 10:15

@TheOmbudsmansComingtoGetYou for a child, seeing a parent drunk is frightening because you are totally reliant on them for your safety/wellbeing and cannot just walk away from them. It is just not comparable to an adult seeing another adult drunk.

The OP is having a couple of small glasses of wine with dinner. She’s hardly rolling in the aisles showing her knickers.

Hallywally · 01/06/2025 11:41

Why does she think tattoos are that bad? Talk to her about the importance of choosing a reputable tattooist, proper after care etc. Tattoos aren’t particularly high risk if done properly and cared for.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 01/06/2025 11:41

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2025 11:30

OFGS

Are you bored?

Show quote history

My parents said it to me and I say it to my children. My house, my rules if they don't like it they can leave when they turn 18. Children need to respect their parents and the home.

Cherrytree86 · 01/06/2025 11:42

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/06/2025 11:38

You should be able to hear my eyes roll from wherever you are. Honestly, you sound insufferable.

Show quote history

What if she doesn’t want to @Pollyanna87

what if enjoys a glass of wine? Or cocktails with her mates? Very enjoyable - you should try sometime, let your hair down!

p.s Op is very unlikely to have weight loss given the small amount she drinks, don’t be silly

Ilovemyshed · 01/06/2025 11:42

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 09:52

Hmm, voice of the child is important here

(I'm a Safeguarding Lead).

I've dealt with situations where children voice worries about a parents drinking habits. That's always a child who's views need to be heard.

You sound like you want to dismiss your child's voice OP. That also speaks volumes.

Your rationale that you disregarded her voice because of your daughters additional needs, is one of the known reasons why SEND children are more vulnerable; their voice is more easily disregarded.

Your drinking really matters to your daughter. So do the substances your friends use. You need to listen to that and not minimise or disregarded.

This is a poor approach and an indication of why society has disintegrated to a poor state of behaviours. Discipline and boundaries is very valid and hearing objections then mitigating with an adult argument is a better approach.

Listening is fine, but it is so important to guide and counter argue, to direct better reasoning.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 01/06/2025 11:42

Pollyanna87 · 01/06/2025 11:31

Just stop drinking. If you can’t, that shows you have a problem. You’ll lose weight, you’ll save money, you’ll set a good example for your daughter.

If the OP stops her moderate drinking, ditches her friends who vape and smoke and never gets another tattoo in her life, it's going to make zero difference to her daughter.

She'll just switch to some other form of control, such as the OP not eating UPFs or meat, or whatever her next obsession becomes.

She needs help, not someone implying she may be fat with a drinking problem 🙄

Readytohealnow · 01/06/2025 11:42

She is rude and her behaviour is unacceptable

waterrat · 01/06/2025 11:42

OP my daughter is autistic and I really understand the way these girls can try to control their family as a way of coping with anxiety

DO NOT give in to her. If you do - you feed her anxiety - you teach her that she is in control and that is ultimately not right and will make her more scared

tell her very calmly that she is wrong, you are an adult, you are going to have a drink sometimes and then RIDE IT OUT

I absolutely understand this as my daughter has done this with other things but the best advice I was given was to be very very clear that as the adult I decide what is safe.

This is ultimately going to let her see that you the parent are making adult level decisions and she can stop worrying about them.

waterrat · 01/06/2025 11:43

@LittleHangleton this is an example of OCD type anxiety in a neurodiverse child. If the OP gives in - the OCD/anxiety will move on to controlling something else.

Example - my autistic daughter has some phobias of very common household food - I have NOT stopped eating them or having them at home though I am careful/ respectful about letting them get near her. I tell her clearly - this is not dangerous, your phobia is not based on it being dangerous and I"m not giving in to you .

2chocolateoranges · 01/06/2025 11:44

Yes children have a voice and should be listened to but they don’t get to dictate how any adult lives heir life.

sit down and chat to her explain that she is not in charge of you, you make your own decisions and when she is an adult she can make her own choices too.

Dangermoo · 01/06/2025 11:45

MyKingdomForACat · 01/06/2025 09:47

I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old to dictate to me

I agree. OP is actually living under oppressive circumstances.

Spinachpastapicker · 01/06/2025 11:46

Excellent post by @Sogfree

TheLurpackYears · 01/06/2025 11:46

Would she consider the NHS website a credible source? Show her the page in alcohol consumption guidelines, use a measuring jug to find out what 1 unit looks like in relation to a glass of wine. It never hurts to explore your own relationship with alcohol either.
She is autistic, being a good parent looks different. This isn't an abusive relationship.

ginasevern · 01/06/2025 11:48

LittleHangleton · 01/06/2025 09:52

Hmm, voice of the child is important here

(I'm a Safeguarding Lead).

I've dealt with situations where children voice worries about a parents drinking habits. That's always a child who's views need to be heard.

You sound like you want to dismiss your child's voice OP. That also speaks volumes.

Your rationale that you disregarded her voice because of your daughters additional needs, is one of the known reasons why SEND children are more vulnerable; their voice is more easily disregarded.

Your drinking really matters to your daughter. So do the substances your friends use. You need to listen to that and not minimise or disregarded.

Yes I think we all largely agree with that, but you don't offer any constructive advice or resolutions. Should the OP never drink a glass of wine again, go no contact with friends that do anything the daughter objects to? We all have to adjust as parents and adult life is generally one long compromise (especially for women) but how far do you take the validation of a child's wishes/perceptions?