To drink alcohol when my daughter doesn't like me to.

[AnonymousMum37]

Hi, I wanted to ask some advice anonymously.

My 9 year old daughter hates anything she sees as bad for you e.g. alcohol, smoking, tattoos, piercings... . She is autistic and very black and white about what she sees as good and bad.

I have 3 small tattoos (from before she was born), pierced ears, and I enjoy a moderate amount of alcohol (a glass or two of wine with dinner 2/3 nights a week and go out to the pub with friends maybe once a month).

I have never smoked or vaped, but I have some friends who do.

Her reactions are getting unbearable.

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them. I don't like it either so I can understand but they are not bad people.

She begs me at the supermarket not to buy wine, loudly making a scene as though I'm a raging alcoholic, so I can no longer buy it with the weekly shop as it is mortifying.

She refuses to do her chores unless I promise not to drink anymore. I stupidly relented recently and said that I would not have a drink for a few weeks and then last night I had had a long day and had 2 small glasses of wine with dinner and at bedtime she was screaming and crying saying she can't trust me and I am a liar and I'm not ever allowed to drink again.

I know this sounds awful, and when she's saying it I start feeling like I must be an awful parent..

I do so much for her and she already controls so much of family life. I don't like her feeling she can control what I do when it doesn't even affect her.

She is adamant I should not get any more tattoos when I was thinking about one recently. I feel like I'm the rebellious child and she's the strict parent.

It's very hard to argue with her because of course she is right in a way, alcohol, smoking, tattoos, none of these things are good for us, but at the same time I would like her to be tolerant of people's rights to make their own choices and see that we are not good or bad people but unique and complex combinations. I have tried comparing it to her choosing to eat sweets sometimes which is not great for you but fine in moderation but she can't make that link.

Am I being unreasonable to say I am allowed to drink alcohol?

I have one child with severe SEN, siblings and a husband with autism so just speaking from what I would do.

Have you discussed abusive relationships with her? At 9 I think she is old enough to be understanding this. I would be telling her that these are also very wrong. Controlling what another person does is wrong etc. Get her looking at her own behaviour.

I wouldn’t bend on this. It’ll only get worse as she gets older and bigger. My DB is autistic and my Mum used to bend over backwards to what he wanted for an easy life and he started hitting her when he got to 14 when she wouldn’t do what he wanted. Obviously not saying your DD would do that but I think you have to establish clear boundaries now that you are the parent not her.

I would also be worried about you being isolated. If she’s growling at and becoming aggressive towards your friends, realistically for how long will they tolerate this? I am covered in tattoos and would not tolerate anyone telling me I was bad. I would also be thinking she was echoing what her parents were saying.

I like the suggestion of a teacher talking to her and explaining about good v bad. That a person engaging in unhealthy habits doesn’t make them bad. There are worse things a person can do.. be controlling etc.

You’re not being unreasonable. My son is autistic and has similar things which have come and gone in phases. All we can do is try our best to explain it in a way they understand until it sinks in, or they move on to the next thing. I would discipline him if he was saying things to other people so that he knows he can’t do that - it wouldn’t always stop him but people tend to understand if you explain it’s a fixation and part of the autism.

Voice of a child is important but so is the word ‘child’ Daughter is 9yr old…a child. I’m sorry if this isn’t 21st century thinking but no 9yr old child should be dictating whether or not an adult parent should be drinking.
How is the child going to cope in the world if she ‘growls’ at smokers and drinkers?

I have put that you’re not being unreasonable because you’re right, she can’t dictate what you do or growl at your friends for making their own choices.
However it obviously unsettles her, so for her sake, could you wait to have a drink once she’s gone to bed?
My parents used to heavily drink when I was a child and I absolutely HATED it (not saying you heavily drink btw), and now I don’t touch alcohol myself. Even as an adult I can’t stand when my mum drinks in front of me, it really triggers me.

All this talk of drinking has forced my to open a nice (cheap) bottle of Pinot…might even smoke a few fags with it. Any 9yr old trying to stop me will get short shrift!

If your DD never touches alcohol and sticks to her belief when older, that is not a bad thing. I do think you should consider whether not to drink in front of her, or only when out, for example.

Of course the child’s voice needs to be heard. However factual education is key, maybe find a website with information about balanced drinking and levels of unhealthy drinking so that it’s clear 1 glass a few nights a week is fine. Utilise external sources

So did mine

60 years ago

Thankfully times have changed and it doesn't have to be one extreme to the other

Yeah - there might be just a little bit more backstory to your cautionary tale

FFS

Agree with this I’m afraid - a nine year old does not get to tell you what you are and aren’t allowed do or who you are allowed to be friends with.

This is a totally OTT comment based on what the OP has written and would just cause further worry for the OP.

I too have an autistic child who makes a big deal of someone having 1 glass of wine, buying wine etc. He can be black and white in his thinking but also just doesn’t understand how his comments can be interpreted. He makes it sound like we have a problem every time we have a glass or he even mentions drinks!
FWIW he has also previously told strangers smoking that they were going to die (this happened on more than one occasion!), thankfully now he is 12 this has stopped!

Thankfully the school Head and safeguarding leads know him well and have a good understanding of his SEN and interpretation of events/the world. Whilst important to listen to a child you can’t take everything they say too seriously if they have known issues misinterpreting things!

(I also mostly disagree with my child’s views on bedtime and vegetables - disagreeing with their views isn’t necessarily a safeguarding issue and doesn’t need to be treated as such!)

And to throw the cat amongst the pigeons... what if the OP is having 3 x glasses of wine 3 times a week. Her choice, but if the glasses are actually 250 mls, she could be having 27 units alcohol a week - way over the recommended amount.

She breaks a promise to her 9 year old not to drink - not great.

I'm wondering if the child has a point.

A lot of drinkers on this thread who think it's their God given right to slosh back the booze.

Please note I'm playing devil's advocate here...before everyone starts frothing too madly.

And when she's growling at her teachers for getting piercings, tattoos or doing whatever personal things they're perfectly entitled to do without being growled at, what then?

Chipping away at her mother's autonomy isn't going to help with the wider issue.

Well, yeh. The adult is in charge, not the kid. Nip it in the bud I say x

This is excellent advice.

Yeh I’d have that I don’t think.

If it’s all health related and what people are putting in their bodies what does she think about food and other drinks? UPF’s? Sugar? They are all bad for you. Will she not eat fruits because it contains sugar naturally occurring but still sugar. She’ll be able to find many articles and videos talking about how bad tap water is. Coffee, tea the list is endless. Is she going to growl at people for drinking fruit juices? Then you have things like medications - they all come with side effects which are bad for you. This is a slippery slope.

The issue here that so many people seem to be missing is about control, not alcohol.

The 9 year old might just as well be trying to ban her mother from doing any moderate thing she enjoys but that she disapproves of.

Tattoos and piercings anyone, or is it going to be all about alcohol, whilst blatantly missing the fact a 9 year old child is trying to control her mother and her mother's friends?

She's not Greta Thunberg.

Well conveniently she can't make the link where sweets are concerned...

It's not extreme to have boundaries. My next door neighbour chucked her daughter out a few years ago. They still have a good relationship. She lives with her boyfriend now and has a good job. Some times you have to have tough love. Some young adults will continue to push and push while you are paying for their up keep. At some point you're going to crack and tell them to fuck off out.

My partners mum had to pack her son's bag and leave it outside the door. He had no intentions of getting a job or moving out. He was a young man in his 20's and she wanted her time.

My daughter is 19 she still lives here and she respects the home and our boundaries. She is making plans to move to Korea she is obsessed with the people and their culture. She needs to finish her education first.

Oh yes sorry I completely missed that in the OP! That doesn’t make sense at all, how does she not see the link?

She growls at any of my friends who smoke or vape and has decided they are bad people, even if they don't do this near her she knows they do and she therefore hates them. I don't like it either so I can understand but they are not bad people.

Are your friends still coming to your house? Because I wouldn't be visiting anyone whose kid was allowed to 'growl' at me for doing something the child disapproved of. That's wild.

Who's the adult here?

This is a very helpful post, thank you.

Don’t be ridiculous. The child is not at risk. The challenge here is to help OP with her daughter. Her daughter can go through life controlling everyone else’s behaviour. She has to learn what is a real risk and what is perfectly safe behaviour in a parent. are you seriously suggesting that a child can demand that a parent never drinks at all because the child considers all alcohol to be a problem and the parent has to comply?

My DS17 does not drink and says he has no intention of ever doing so. That is his right and I would not tolerate anyone in the family mocking him or attempting to persuade him to try a glass of wine or a beer. Equally well, he does not get to tell me I cannot have a drink.

Edit - cannot go through life …