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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowed teenage daughter wear trainers DH bought for me

164 replies

aifai · 01/06/2025 07:54

That's it really. DH is upset and swore never to buy me anything again because I allowed my DD to wear brand new trainers he bought for me. He's upset and called me naive, saying I take things for granted. Was I unreasonable for allowing her wear it before I did?

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 01/06/2025 07:56

Yes, i understand he was very hurt. It's like you didn't value his gift

NarnianQueen · 01/06/2025 07:57

That’s weird. Surely letting your daughter borrow your trainers is a fairly normal thing to do and doesn’t mean you don’t like them or value them?

Butchyrestingface · 01/06/2025 07:58

I was totally on your side until the last line.

I still think he was unreasonable to overreact in such a way.

But generally no, I would not let someone else use a gift before I've done so myself - particularly so if the gifter lives in the same home and is likely to see this happen.

Does your daughter have form for damaging other people's possessions? Is that what he meant by calling you 'naive'?

Dontsparethehorses · 01/06/2025 07:58

Surely he gifted them to you to then use/ share as you wish?

heavenisaplaceonearth · 01/06/2025 07:58

Explain to him that the trainers are yours as he gave them to you, and that you can do whatever you like with your belongings.

spoonbillstretford · 01/06/2025 07:59

heavenisaplaceonearth · 01/06/2025 07:58

Explain to him that the trainers are yours as he gave them to you, and that you can do whatever you like with your belongings.

This.

ShellieAnn · 01/06/2025 07:59

I don't think I'd let someone use one of new things before I did, particularly if it was a gift that I really liked. So yes I get where he's coming from.

WasherWoman25 · 01/06/2025 07:59

Brand new and barely worn by you? Yes, I understand him being upset.

A few months old, unreasonable to be upset.

Ddakji · 01/06/2025 07:59

Borrrow your clothes and shoes? Fine.

Borrow something that was bought for you as a gift before you’ve worn it even once? Not fine.

Do you struggle with saying no to your DD?

DominoRules · 01/06/2025 08:00

I think that’s an odd reaction - if I gave my DH something and then he let one of our DSs borrow it I wouldn’t be bothered at all (unless they were prone to losing or breaking things!)

sunshineandshowers40 · 01/06/2025 08:00

Why did you let her wear them before you? Did she ask or did you offer?

whitewineandsun · 01/06/2025 08:02

It's weird that you let her wear them before you have. I see his point, actually.

Do you struggle saying no to her?

Gundogday · 01/06/2025 08:03

The gift was for you, not dd. By letting dd wear them, you’re implying you don’t like or want them, and are rejecting his nice gesture.

If they were old clothes, fair enough, but not new clothes.

Worriedsickmostofthetime · 01/06/2025 08:03

I think a lot of PP have missed the part where you have let her wear them before you have.

I think that’s where the problem lies. I don’t mind lending my kids my things but I wouldn’t let them use something I myself hadn’t worn yet, especially a gift
from my DH.

Is DD his child?

MaryGreenhill · 01/06/2025 08:06

It's fine to loan her the trainers OP, if that is the way you normally behave.
I would loan and give my two DDS anything but the difference is my Dh wouldn't mind a bit .

BallerinaRadio · 01/06/2025 08:11

Is your DD his DD? I think that makes a massive difference

Nina1013 · 01/06/2025 08:15

MaryGreenhill · 01/06/2025 08:06

It's fine to loan her the trainers OP, if that is the way you normally behave.
I would loan and give my two DDS anything but the difference is my Dh wouldn't mind a bit .

This.

Is she not his daughter?

My husband finds it hilarious (and loves it) that our daughter is now slightly taller than me and we borrow each other’s clothes/accessories/whatever.

In our situation, he would be worried that she would ruin my shoes as she’s not the most careful. She borrowed my worn twice chunky heeled Louboutins for dinner a few months back and was standing rolling back on the heels, and his brow was getting a bit sweaty (she isn’t unappreciative, but she does have ADHD so is not particularly careful!). But he would be as likely to buy her new trainers as me so I really don’t see the issue here!

nomas · 01/06/2025 08:24

You leant them to your dd, not a friend.

Is he setting it up so that he doesn’t have to buy you presents anymore? If this happens, call him out on his slyness and stop buying him presents too.

Original poster
aifai · 01/06/2025 08:27

Butchyrestingface · 01/06/2025 07:58

I was totally on your side until the last line.

I still think he was unreasonable to overreact in such a way.

But generally no, I would not let someone else use a gift before I've done so myself - particularly so if the gifter lives in the same home and is likely to see this happen.

Does your daughter have form for damaging other people's possessions? Is that what he meant by calling you 'naive'?

Thanks for your reaponse. No, on the contrary she takes care of everything she has or given. She really liked the trainers and begged to wear it yesterday and I said yes. Her father saw it on her as she stepped out the door. He called me naive for not attaching importance to a gift he gave. I love the gift but also thought it was ok for my daughter to wear it as it went well with her trousers

OP posts:
WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 01/06/2025 08:29

I don’t think he knows what naive means TBH.

Roseshavethorns · 01/06/2025 08:29

I think it would depend on the manner of the gift and the reason behind it.
If DH bought me trainers as a "proper" present then he would be very hurt if I gave them to someone else to wear (which I never would). It would seem like I didn't like the trainers or value the time and effort put in to choosing and buying them for me.
If he picked me up a replacement for my normal tatty trainers that someone else regularly borrowed them I doubt it would even register. As the effort in doing buying those, although much appreciated, is much less personal.
I have a pair of flip-flops that I use for nipping outside numerous times a day. They are now called the family flip-flops as everyone uses them, whether they fit or not. They are replaced regularly at birthdays or Christmas. No-one would batt an eye, or even notice, if someone else used the new pair before me.
I suspect in this case the trainers were a gift that had a lot of thought and money put in to them. If I were the DH I would feel hurt and rejected too.

Original poster
aifai · 01/06/2025 08:29

Ddakji · 01/06/2025 07:59

Borrrow your clothes and shoes? Fine.

Borrow something that was bought for you as a gift before you’ve worn it even once? Not fine.

Do you struggle with saying no to your DD?

No, I don't. But the trainers looked really nice with her trousers so I said yes

OP posts:
Hamrollitos · 01/06/2025 08:32

My DH wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this, in fact he’d probably roll his eyes, give me a kiss and tell me I was too kind.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2025 08:33

How long have you had them and why haven't you worn them? Perhaps he sees it as you not wanting to wear them but letting DD

BallerinaRadio · 01/06/2025 08:33

Hamrollitos · 01/06/2025 08:32

My DH wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this, in fact he’d probably roll his eyes, give me a kiss and tell me I was too kind.

Well how lovely for you 🤮🙄