Allowed teenage daughter wear trainers DH bought for me

[aifai]

That's it really. DH is upset and swore never to buy me anything again because I allowed my DD to wear brand new trainers he bought for me. He's upset and called me naive, saying I take things for granted. Was I unreasonable for allowing her wear it before I did?

My mum does this. She let my sister use a bag I'd bought her before she used it herself. It was designer and yes I was miffed because I had saved for it and taken a lot of care in choosing something she would like. Sister is notorious for not taking care of things. I've not bought her a designer bag again.

My brother bought her a designer bag and she was offering it for me to use before she did. I said no because bother bought it for her to use and it does come across that she doesn't really appreciate the cost or time spent in choosing something special. She doesn't understand because she just doesn't attach importance to material stuff. It's not just about the cost element though which it's what I was trying to get across.

In the scenario you describe I would be upset but my dh wouldn't. I think she was rude to ask knowing you hadn't even used them yourself.

Surely the fact that she ASKED .. before borrowing them is more of a talking point. My perfectly normal teenager DD would have just worn them, I’d have been a bit pissed off, there are no circumstances under which I feel that DH would care.

Nothing wrong with his use of naive. OP didn't realise how her actions would affect him, which was rather naive of her, plus she may have been naive to not realise her DD might be taking part ownership.

He gave the trainers to you. They are therefore your trainers to do what you want with them. His reaction is a massive red flag for me 🚩

Thank fuck for a sane post.

I am aghast at the posters that think she should be grateful she got a gift and to feel sorry for him.

Gifts should be about the receiver not the giver.

she begged and you said yes
and they only came on fri

dont bother wearing them today
you would just be making a point - badly

Really? You think it’s normal for a teen to take something belonging to someone else without even asking?

Exactly, this is clearly what he means by 'naive'- the OP will barely get a look in as the daughter will always be borrowing them.
People on here are being deliberately obtuse to dig at the husband for having the temerity to be a man who's annoyed and upset by rude behaviour.

He sounds like a man who wants to be in control of everything. He gives you the trainers and then he wants to be in control of who wears them and when. I wouldn't like that.

If it was a highly personalised gift — a piece of engraved jewellery or something precious or fragile — then I would have more sympathy for him. But it's his own daughter who's borrowed them. And they're just a pair of trainers. Poor you, OP.

I posted years ago about elderly neighbours who'd dipped into their retirement savings in order to buy a car to enable their youngest grandchild to get to her new job. She failed her probation and was let go a few weeks later. She sold the car cheaply to one of her friends and used the money she had left over for a holiday. My neighbours were devastated: they were not well off and to see their DGD treat their gift like that hit them hard. I thought that was poor behaviour but the whole of Mumsnet turned out to tell me that once you've given a gift you have no say in what people do with it. And yet here we are with people telling you you shouldn't have let your daughter wear your new trainers...

I would have been very disappointed if you let her wear them first. But he shouldn’t have over reacted.

I do find the child quite entitled to ask

How much were the trainers?
Were they bought for a specific purpose? (road running, gym, specific sport)
Would you have been able to buy them if he didn't have the voucher?

Yeah, that would just look passive aggressive to me.

This is an odd response

YANBU OP. Your DD asked first and you said yes (ignore the posters asking if you struggle to say no FFS!). They are your trainers to do what you want with. One borrow does not mean that your DD will assume they are part hers. Your DH is being ridiculous and over the top. My DD and I borrow each others shoes all the time, I love the fact that we are the same size.

If your daughter was going to play football on a muddy pitch then he’d have a point but as she’s the type of person to look after things I don’t get it. My husband would think it was nice if I did this for our daughter.

Your DH should have no problem with you occasionally sharing an item of clothing he bought you with DD, provided it was taken care of.

I'd actually take the bloody things, put them on a makeshift altar and make obeisance to them to show him how stupid he's being.

None of this matters.

They were a personal gift - presumably offered with love. It’s not (in itself, without more) ‘being controlling’ to hope that your partner will give some evidence of appreciating something you’ve bought for them. Being married doesn’t negate the whole dance of respectful etiquette on receiving a gift. What the OP did was a bit of a kick in the teeth to her husband.

Really hope this isn’t a regular pattern in their household.

If you don’t always let your dd borrow everything of yours whenever she asks, I can see why your dh would be a bit upset that you immediately let her wear your new trainers. He bought you something he thought you would love, and at the first opportunity you gave them to your dd to use, instead. It could easily have given the impression they were not particularly important to you. I think sharing trainers of all things is disgusting, anyway, tbh - just makes me think of sweaty feet and athlete’s foot!

On the other hand, he could equally have decided to be pleased that his taste was clearly so impeccable that even his dd loved them.

I do think your dd was selfish to beg to wear your trainers before you’d even worn them yourself, especially if she realised you genuinely liked them, too. Would she do the same for you, if you coveted a birthday present someone had given her?

Sometimes the famous MN hatred of men goes a bit too far. I’m a feminist and survivor of DV so know exactly what some men can be like, but I really can’t see this gift as “boosting his ego” - some men (Not All) are actually quite nice and want to be nice to their wives that they love!

But only if they behave in a way that is deemed acceptable. That's not love.

Agree. One post about him having the hump that she doesn’t seem to have appreciated a gift and suddenly he’s a control freak with more red flags than red square on Putins birthday!

Just surprised no one yet asked if he’s ND

Er, only if she wants to escalate the matter and make him even more unhappy!
He’s upset that she didn’t wear them (at least) first. He gave them as a gift, presumably with some thought, and feels she hasn’t appreciated it. He’s entitled to feel hurt.

Just apologise. Say you hadn’t thought about it from his pov. Tell him you appreciate the gift and WILL wear them yourself, of course.

Quite surprised how many on here share clothes and footwear.
Never in million years would I expect to use my siblings or mums belongings or wear their clothes
My clothes/footwear are my personal things not communal

Never worn by the OP