Allowed teenage daughter wear trainers DH bought for me

[aifai]

That's it really. DH is upset and swore never to buy me anything again because I allowed my DD to wear brand new trainers he bought for me. He's upset and called me naive, saying I take things for granted. Was I unreasonable for allowing her wear it before I did?

Do you have your own income to buy yourself this gift if you wanted to? Or does your husband control all finances.
i think this is the key question.
Did you tell your husband you liked them and he went out and got them? Or did he chose them all by himself? Or did you ask for them?
I find all of this bewildering if you have a joint account.
i am worried your husband is controlling character.

so he got a work bonus he could have enjoyed himself but instead, he spent it on a gift for you? I'd be mad if I was the giver and someone did that to me

What are the trainers? Are they mega expensive ones?

I don't understand what he means by calling you naive for lending them to her. I do think you should have worn them first and by not doing so he feels you don't value the gift. Dd and I share clothes and shoes but an expensive gift from DH I'd definitely be wearing those myself before I let her get her mitts on them

I’d be upset too. Very inconsiderate. Team DH.

I think there’s a big difference between letting her borrow a pair of trainers you’ve had for months and a new pair you haven’t even worn yet. I don’t think that makes you naive, just a bit ungrateful. I think giving in to your daughter on this occasion is spoiling her. She can wait. You can say no.

I was going to say this.

What a petty man he is.
Mums often love to see their daughters wear something they love, even if it is before them.

I could imagine myself doing this and I wouldn't imagine my husband getting upset.
Infact it would be flattering that his excellent taste was given such a nod of approval by our fussy daughter.

I would frame it like that.
She loved them and just wanted to show them off for a few hours as the matched what she was wearing.

Lord but some men are so petty.

Wow. So many people invalidating his feelings?! It’s a gift so you can do what you like with it? You’re all really lucky if you have all have a DH who buys you things and will continue to buy them even if you obviously don’t appreciate them enough to not lend them out before wearing them even once.
I can totally see his point of view. Poor guy tried to do something nice and the gift seemed unappreciated. Don’t be surprised if the gifts stop coming!
Obviously if he’s a controlling arse then that’s another story, but he sounds like a disappointed sweetheart.
I’d apologise and backtrack, quickly. His kindness has been taken for granted.

I think he does mean naive. He means that the DD has taken advantage of OP and that possibly the trainers will become hers by default. I reckon OP spoils DD and DH wanted her to have a nice thing for herself. That’s why he’s cross. I bet this isn’t the first time OP has given away something of hers because someone else wants it. Also, it’s naughty of DD to ask for it. Team DH.

I was totally on your side until the last line.

What was in the last line that made you do a u turn on op?

I disagree completely with people saying that you shouldn't have let her wear them before you have. To me it makes absolutely no difference if I've worn them or not.
If tge same happened in my house with my DP and DS I wouldn't mind at all.
There's obviously lots of people out there who feel the same as your dh though so maybe we are in the minority.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're in the wrong though. You just have completely different perspectives on this. I suppose you can acknowledge his feelings and you know what his feelings are for next time.

With a teen and young adult DC frequently in the house, my shoes are virtually communal but I’d neither let my DC wear something before I had, nor would they ask to (and they have low standards I caught one of them walking the dog in my Hermes sandals last week!)

that said there’s no way DH would complain so I’d be wary in your position.

Your husband sounds high maintenance to me. He doesnt get to manage what you do with your stuff, thats controlling. He apparently has different meanings attached to you letting your own daughter wear your trainers than you do. Its his problem that he sees it disrespectful. What you see is helping out your daughter and make her happy. The gift is yours to do with what you want, not what he wants.

This would have annoyed me.

I would have just seen my DH as ungrateful.

Letting your DD borrow something after you’ve worn it for a couple of weeks - fine.
But not on the same weekend and definitely not before wearing it yourself.

I read the whole post, I just have a different perspective to you.

I'm curious as to DD's age. I can imagine a teen being cheeky enough to ask but any older and that's cheeky, with a large side order of rude, knowing their DM hasn't had a chance to wear them herself and they had arrived the day before. I can easily see why OPs DH is miffed.

I also find it controlling. The husband should find a different way to boost his ego.

I don’t see it as controlling.

He got a voucher and instead of spending it on himself, he wanted to treat his wife.

Instead of being grateful she’s given them to her DD to wear before even wearing them herself.

If I bought my DH a pair of trainers and before wearing them himself he allowed his son to wear them around, I’d be upset too and I’d be thinking I might as well of just bought something for myself.

Buying your loved one a gift is boosting your ego now? 😂

I agree. I don’t see him as being controlling, he’s got his wife a thoughtful gift and she’s basically immediately given the gift away without even using it
I would see it as her being pretty ungrateful tbh

I can see both sides tbh

Not sure why you didn’t just say no to your daughter and tell her to wear a pair of her own shoes and I do think it could have come across you didn’t value the gift by letting her wear them before you. I also think your daughter is an entitled brat for even asking to wear your brand new shoes before you had even done so. But for your husband to make a big deal of it and talk about not buying you anything again seems OTT too.

It's a pair of shoes not the bloody crown jewels , is he always this excitable over such small things?

He’s being a twat! You don’t give a gift with conditions! Its nothing to do with him what you do with them once he has given them to you!

I can see why your husband was upset, it must look to him that you weren't really bothered about his present. However careful your daughter is the trainers will not be in pristine condition when you get them back. She shouldn't have asked to borrow them either.

I'm really surprised so many people are happy to let other people borrow their shoes. No way would I allow anyone to borrow mine.

It looks to me like your husband was trying to make a grand gesture by trying to buy you something useful and nice that you wouldn't have bought yourself with his work voucher to show you how much you mean to him. You loaning them to DD the following day without ever wearing them yourself probably feels like you don't care about the gift and didn't see the sentiment behind them. Whereas you saw it as you had a thing that DD wants so it would be nice to give it to her

It's 2 completely different ways of looking at gifts. The only really surprising thing is that you've been together long enough to have a DD that can borrow your shoes and don't know about each other's approaches to gifts.