Allowed teenage daughter wear trainers DH bought for me

[aifai]

That's it really. DH is upset and swore never to buy me anything again because I allowed my DD to wear brand new trainers he bought for me. He's upset and called me naive, saying I take things for granted. Was I unreasonable for allowing her wear it before I did?

It doesnt really matter if hes got the word naive wrong, thats rather irrelevant

I would be really pissed off if I had taken the trouble to get someone a nice gift and before they've even used it, they give it away/lend it out

Also its not generally thought appropriate to share shoes with someone, the way our foot sits in a shoe shapes the shoe, the first time these have been worn is now with her foot. (not that he's probably aware of this as an issue)

If you were happy to loan them to her then I don't see what the issue is. Where they very expensive perhaps?

follow up post about the voucher influences my view - he received something nice, decided to do a nice thing and gift it to OP and OP promptly gave it away. I’d be wondering why I’d bothered. He’s overreacting (and needs to look up what naive means) but he wouldn’t be unreasonable to decide not to repeat his mistake.

Over my cold dead body would anyone wear my new shoes before me, no matter how well they went with her ruddy trousers.

if I was your DH I’d be miffed too. Having said that, the histrionics from him sound a bit much.

Well it’s not really irrelevant, if you’re going to insult someone it’s best to know what the insult you’re using means!

So another words, he only gives gifts with strings. Real nice of him

/s

It doesnt change the fact that he's upset, and I dont blame him

Plus other posters have pointed out it might mean that he thinks OP wont really be getting them back, they've sort of been claimed by the daughter.

The way to show you absolutely love something is not to let someone else wear that thing first. You should have been more mindful. And your DH is understandably annoyed: you not only let someone else wear those sneakers first, but you are now telling him he's wrong for being annoyed about it. Dismissing his feelings is not a good idea at all if you want him to communicate with you and be honest (and to get you gifts in future).

You should try, in future, to do a better job of thinking through how your actions might impact others - particularly your reaction when your husband does something nice for you.

Really weird thing to get upset about. It’s lovely he got them but they are your trainers if you want to help your dd feel nice then that’s fine. He also needs to look up the meaning of the word naive

Personally I think letting someone else wear your footwear is a bit odd/grim anyway and on this scenario I definitely understand why he’s upset.

Id feel pretty put out if I gave someone a thoughtful gift and they let someone else use it first

Yep, I'd be hurt in his position. And I'm far from thin skinned. You gave the impression that you didn't value his gift.

My daughters have always borrowed items of my clothing, so it's not that I find that odd all of. But less than 24 hours after he gave them to you, you handed them over as if they were just any old item.

How is he usually, OP?

His reaction could be because he wanted to do something special for you and from his pov watched you casually let your Dd go off in your unworn gift, and he maybe feels generally taken for granted etc

Or

He could be controlling and feels that what is yours his his to decree.

Your response would need to be very different depending on what you think motivation is and what the usual dynamic of your relationship is.

And do you often indulge your teen Dd?

I would never ask or expect to wear anyone’s brand new trainers!

I expect he’s thinking they will shortly become the dd’s new trainers.

I think you have mixed responses as a previous poster said you left the most important info until the last line. As often happens here, most responders don't always read the full post. You hadn't worn them yourself. That makes a big difference.
There is nothing weird about your husband's reaction. Understandable.
You'll wear them today so he can see you love them? 🤔

It doesn't matter to me whether or not she had worn them before. His reaction is just as weird. A gift is a gift. It would be another thing if OP didn't appreciate the gift, but she does. She just doesn't express that appreciation in a way that's acceptable to her husband. I find that controlling.

Yes it’s the “never been worn” thing for me too. I’m not quite sure why it’s makes a difference but it does to me. It’s like you’ve pointedly made it obvious you don’t really care about the gift. If you’d worn them and loved them for a few months, it would show him you valued them and were grateful. Now it looks like you just don’t care at all right from the off.

Also he bought them for you, YOU. I’m sure if he wanted to buy your teen expensive trainers he would have. He wanted YOU to have something nice for YOU, showing he loves and values you as a person. And you’ve basically dismissed that idea/caring thought and gone straight back into “ever giving mum mode” and given them away. It might feel like a subconscious rejection of his care for you as the attractive woman he loves, rather than as a mum figure.

I think it’s that you haven’t worn them yourself yet. I have DDs with the same size feet as me. I got trainers from DH for my birthday too. While I’m generally happy for DDs to borrow my shoes, definitely not before I’ve worn them myself.

I think Spinachpastamaker defines the issue very well.

You were wrong, @aifai.

You’ve belittled your DH by making so little of his gift.

Equally - this is a strange way to bring up your child. You keep repeating that the trainers went well with her outfit. Who gives a fig? She knew you hadn’t worn them yet; she should not have asked - because it was bad manners. And you should not have agreed - because you’re allowing her to think she’s entitled to everything. God help her if she carries that attitude to school.

If only you’d said No. Your husband wouldn’t be feeling humiliated and annoyed, and your daughter would be on the way to learning to respect that other people are important too.

I definitely think there’s something special about wearing something new for the first time. I don’t even like wearing new things to work for the first time because it feels like a bit of a waste. I wouldn’t have let my DD have first dibs on something that had been given to me… especially an expensive pair of trainers that seemingly weren’t even bought for a specific event just a “because” gift. ( but I’m not getting new trainers all the time )

I'd be upset if I had given someone a gift and they let someone else use it before they had.....although I think to some extent the magnitude of the gift is important. Dupes a tenner off the market "saw these and thought you might like them" maybe but classy expensive branded that the giver had to budget for, then as the giver I'd be upset, as the receiver I wouldn't lend them.....and also of course, even tenner off the market dupes might be a huge purchase for some people.

So he used a voucher rather than buying them. He has even less cause to complain then.

My DP would feel the same way. He thinks people take me for granted. If he bought me something for me and the kids used it he would absolutely be pissed off. Once it was used and a bit older I don’t think he would mind.

Don’t listen to him op, it’s lovely that you want to share your nice things with the people you love.

I voted YANBU until I re-read the last line of your OP. I think wearing them out now as a sign you love them will just look like you’re responding to his criticism, not wearing them because you want to.