My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

If it’s a joint effort then it’s a joint gift and shouldn’t be from just you.

you are not correct here - she did not say no. She didn’t reply on a group. And when I followed up time 1, she said she’d send some stuff, never did hence follow up 3&4.

The more the OP posts, the more I'm inclined to agree with you.

It seems sibling rivalry never dies in some families.

The word narcissist seems to get bandied around like sweets these days. I suspect half the people using the word don’t really know shag it even means!

No time to read four pages of posts but you sound like my sister who is lovely and her heart is in the right place but she loves this pics album stuff and I hate it. I also had a very different mother parent me than she did. Same person but she adored my sister while being abusive towards me so I would find my nose totally out of joint if I was asked to give up my time and energy looking for pics for someone elses gift idea. Sorry OP I am firmly with your sister on this one.

Some of the comments on here are unhinged. Sorry OP, it sounds like a nice gift and a normal thing to do.

Hee hee. You’re just way off the mark, sorry!

In my experience, when people assign their own motives to the actions of others, especially when they accuse them of being jealous of them, they are usually wrong. Calling her a cow for not wanting to participate in a present that you are micro managing and are going to take the credit for is really over the top and says more about you than it does her.

On the other hand, I can see why you are slightly annoyed, I've done this sort of gift in the past, it would be nice to all be on board, but she obviously doesn't like the fact that you are putting all this together by yourself and 'claiming' it is a group present, when you aren't actually letting anyone else have any real input into the end result. In other words you are just using their photos and memories to make yourself and your present look good. If you actually cared about their input or presenting it as a group effort, you would all sit down together to do it, or you would each do your own section separately and bind it together at the end.

It is obvious you don't want to present this as a group gift, so sadly she has no interest in participating in it, it's a shame really, but it sounds like you have form for doing it in fairness.

Thanks x
Yes, some of the comments are wild!!

She clearly doesn't like you. But she would rather try to thwart your lovely idea rather than take a few minutes to do something nice for your mum. That said, she may genuinely not have many recent pics of her and your mum or pics of her as a child. So it may entail effort on her part. However, writing a few nice words takes no effort at all.

I don’t know.

Every post you’ve typed has made me feel less and less sympathetic towards you.

You’re accusing her of being “jealous”
and trying to “ruin your idea”

At the very best it’s incredibly childish.

Yeah it probably does seem childish. It probably is…which is pretty sad at our age!

You said

Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted!

But after the sewing thing, you know how she feels about your 'projects' and that's why she didn't reply.

How do you reach the conclusion that the only form of joint effort is enforced joint effort? A democracy is a form of joint effort: in the UK at least, voting is voluntary. I do plenty of “joint” things: they’re all thing I CHOOSE to do. Not things my sister tells me I have to do, or nags me to do, or guilt trips me into doing. As it happens, I love joint family gatherings! The more the merrier! But nobody in my life tells me I MUST attend. I am extended, or extend, an invitation. It wouldn’t be fun if people were forced to be there. That makes it work, and I have plenty of that as it is.

My thoughts exactly!
Why does there need to be 'superior' gift to exceed all others??
TBH this post could have been written about my own sister. Her relationship with me has always been about point scoring, oneupmanship and outdoing me at every possible opportunity in our life with every single family member. It's almost like she feels the need to prove that she is the better of the two of us. I'm so tired of it that I just can't be bothered with the drama anymore and do my own thing. This sort of behaviour should have died out in the playground.....

Maybe, but I really don’t think so. The fact that you have come to tell everyone on mumsnet adds to the reason I think you enjoy making yourself look good and your sister look bad. I feel for your sister. And your mum stuck in the middle of your drama and probably has been for years.

The poll would indicate you’re wrong.

The poll is just opinion. No one can know the full story without hearing all sides and some people aren’t good at reading between the lines or may be similar to you themselves. But you’re giving off a vibe that to me and others isn’t great.

Well she is ruining OPs idea, isn't she? Her mum is getting a momento of her life and for reasons unknown her oldest daughter can't be bothered to send a photo and a word or two to complete it. I think this is really weird behaviour from the sister, who can't bring herself to do for her own mother's pleasure what she'd probably do for a colleagues retirement. If you don't think she's motivated by jealousy at the OP being the organiser, what reason do you think she has for being so awkward?

My guess is that there is a huge amount of history of OP trying to outdo her sister and her sister is done with it. She probably knows that the gift is more about OP making herself look and feel better than her, rather than about her mum. You only need to read OPs responses to know that.

Polls aren't generally representative of anything other than people reading the opening post, and clicking one of the options.

I think a lot of polls would have very different results if people had to scroll to the end of the thread, before voting.

I was kind of with you a little bit after reading the OP, but your subsequent posts made me feel very differently.

I did similar for my DM's big birthday and my DSis did similarly. I just took what I had and didn't make a big deal out of her lack of engagement. My DM will have seen messages from the other 18 people who did contribute but I have never obviously pointed it out. That's on my DSis not me. In my case I am the least liked member of the family so it was to be expected from at least one member! (I haven't done anything to deserve it other than being myself e.g. left wing in a right wing family or gay in a straight family). But my DM appreciated my efforts.

You’re right, she would go to more effort for a work colleague, that is a good analogy.

Sounds like you did a great job. In hard circumstances!

I’d just carry on without her contribution. She might be uncomfortable with the idea, I know I would be.