My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

Anyone really believe this is the first dispute of this kind 🤣

You seemed rather cocksure of yourself there.

I feel sorry for the sister. If one of my children gave me something where one child hadn't participated I wouldn't wonder why. I'd think they weren't into it, had done their own thing, or whatever.

Or this mother may roll her eyes and think her one DD has tried to boss the other around again and she's said no, good on her. Or maybe knows the other DD isn't so sentimental, and that's fine. Mothers know their daughters and probably know what these two are like anyway.

My children are individuals, not part of a collective. As long as they show they care, the how or if they are missing from something doesn't matter.

She has not been ‘really angry’ with posters. She was angry with her sister but seems to be more calm and accepting now.

Many posters are getting over excited and filling in the blanks with their own issues and unpleasantness. As per usual.

No, but nor does she need to draw attention to her spat with the OP through the medium of her mother's keep sake book. Nothing will convince me that it's acceptable for a grown woman to use her mothers birthday gift as a way of getting at her sister. Whatever the OP has done, it's not an appropriate thing to weaponise.

This is going back, but it was my uncle’s 80th birthday. We are a close family and we don’t really compete at all. My sister purchased him a calendar, where every month had a few different family photos taken over the years. She’d included everyone on it, pinching photos off social media or just using what she had. As you looked through the pages, people in the photos were growing up and December had the most recent ages. She didn’t ask anyone to contribute and whilst it wasn’t my sort of thing, I thought it was a very well put together gift.
I purchased him a remote control helicopter and my other sibling purchased him a hamper of some sort with scones and preserves and other bits in it or similar.

You couldn’t tell what he loved the most. He loved it all. He scalded us all for wasting our money on him.

But…He played with that helicopter a lot and it was always charged up and ready to go. His calendar hung on the wall and the hamper was demolished.

I don’t think ‘momento’ gifts necessarily do make everything else look meagre, or low effort. If the person likes that sort of thing then lovely, but I think many types of presents can bring joy and looking back at my uncles gifts off the three of us, what a lovely range of things he had.

I have to say the only unpleasantness I have witnessed is from op herself, with foul language, name calling and angry insults. Really discrediting her own case by being so deeply unpleasant.

It has left me pitying her poor sister on the receiving end of this bile.

Speak for yourself - the OP already admitted that there have been disputes about this sort of nonsense in the past! Including when OP again took it upon herself to create some "joint sewing project" (again without asking others if they'd actually like to be a part of it) and then badgered her sister into taking part, and viewed her as selfish for not wishing to do so. OP is in her sixties - do you really think this is the first time she and her sister have had a disagreement??? You must be an only child to have that kind of view of what siblings are like.

Once again, you are ignoring the fact that OP took it upon herself to put this book together. No one asked her to do so. She asked her sister if she wanted to send something, and her sister - appropriately - declined. If there is a yes/no question then "no" is an appropriate answer. And her sister can have any reason or no reason at all for saying no. In this case the reason given is that the sister has already sorted out a gift and doesn't wish to partake in OPs project. Note: The sister didn't expect OP to join in with her gift idea - and isn't causing any drama at all. The OP is the one who has a history of unilaterally organising these craft projects and then expecting other people to do some of the work: that is inappropriate behaviour, and she knew from the last time this happened that her sister didn't like it. OP is causing unnecessary drama here and needs to stop making her mum's birthday about herself.

Wow, straight to thinking of death and money, and you talk of being pleasant 😂.

It's a gift that you are doing so your sister "opting out" is neither here nor there really I wouldn't have thought.

Unless you don't have access to photos or memories of you together at all?

It is a gift from the op. Its her idea and efforts mainly to get everything and put it together.. but what your point i have no idea.. picking at op calling it a gift because shes asked others to send a picture and a message. What else should op have called it.

@PIPERHELLO Next time make sure you get the dictionary out and use the correct word for what ever this thing is you are doing for your mum.

Grow up.

If she does this, she’s obviously making a point about her sister and how she feels about her.

It’ not about the gift; it’s about trying to prove who’s the better daughter.

It’s pathetic.

No I am not an only child. I have a difficult sibling. But I don’t make assumptions. Unlike you it seems.

Exactly this, the mum probably has the measure of all her kids and won't be surprised either way.

I like how your sister did it @RedhairDL ,
No drama, just got on with it.

OP knows her sister isn't keen, yet keeps asking.

Even after it took a year for her sister to respond to the sewing project, a whole year of badgering asking!!

Seems OP cant take a hint, yet also says she's not surprised.

I disagree that she’s making a point. What if her sister changed her mind and wanted to add something there? There’s space for it. Maybe the mum would assume OP purposely excluded her sister’s contribution if it wasn’t there and there wasn’t space left for it. I think it’s a neutral action, provided she doesn’t say anything else on the matter, and it leaves it up to the mum to decide how she feels.

It’s really sad that there are adults out there who will do this or think it’s perfectly reasonable. This explains why so many adults can’t get along with their siblings.
The book should be about her mum, not the OP telling tales because she’s under the childish illusion that it will win her mummy’s favour.

We will have to agree to disagree. Because all I see here is the OP doing a nice, normal thing to mark a landmark birthday in a long life, and a key part of that life, the sister, is causing drama and drawing attention to herself by being the only person to self exclude. If the avoidance of drama was an aim here, a photo and a few words sent to the OP would have caused a whole lot less of it. Such a simple thing to do that costs nothing in time or money.

The language people are using in here to assign motives to the OP is crazy, and they’re calling her dramatic!

Stuff like:

Took it upon herself
Fucking raging
Some of us can be between the lines to see the spite.

it’s saying more about them than the OP, they’re the ones saying it, not her.

Why have you quoted me? I didn’t say any of those things!

what I was trying to say in what you’ve quoted was having what I imagine is a not dissimilar relationship with my sister, that my mother would have an excellent idea of what had happened and how everyone felt about it. That’s not a criticism of the OP, notwithstanding - on what’s been posted - that I have more sympathy for the sister

The sister could have some very good reasons why she doesn’t want to contribute, her childhood experiences may have been very difficult/different to OP’s. This could very well be the case if the golden child dynamic is at play. It certainly fits with the sister being painted as the ‘selfish ogre’ and difficult. She may very well be doing her best under very trying circumstances.

Sister doesn’t want to join in- that’s fine, her choice.

find a couple of nice photos of your sister and mum and just caption factually ‘mum and sister, Christmas 2019’. ‘Mum and sister, Lake district - Summer 2022’

Then she’s included in the book which I’m sure your mum will like and there is no drama or need to keep on asking .

keep it simple - just not worth stressing over.

I feel sorry for your sister

Why is that “telling tales?”

My SIL organised something similar for my in laws. We felt we had to contribute, even though we are not fans of these sorts of gifts. Personally, I find them a bit cringey and can’t ever think of anything to write that doesn’t sound crass. Sorry but maybe it’s not her thing 🤷‍♀️

Because wits not beyond the realms of passivity to just add some photos of her sister with her mum and the dates and places they were taken.

But you think it better to leave a blank page with her sister’s name to say “Look mummy! Susan doesn’t love you as much as I do”

It’s embarrassing