My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

Mumsnet isn’t a hive mind. It’s made up of thousands of individuals with thousands of opinions.

And what makes you think her mother will be hurt? OP has said she’s including pictures of her sister anyway.

Chances are, the sister has a lovely gift planned. Maybe the birthday girl will be so besotted with it, she won’t even notice OP’s gift?

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What does this ^^ bit of your OP mean?

So sorry to hear of your experiences, that sounds awful.

There isn’t any such dynamic in our family…our mum is a good, decent woman, who loves us all, and who we all love. My sister included.

The two of sound like very different people who don't get on well and will probably have very different ideas of what gifts to give. Sister might think you're a cow for trying to guilt her into joining in with something she doesn't want to do?

At the end of the day if she doesn’t want to then don’t pressurise her. She is entitled to not take part. My Nan is 90 and TBH would not even notice now. Sometimes big events are organised by and for the other family members and the person it’s for doesn’t really have a clue. Just do what you want and let her do what she wants.

I'm on your sisters side here. I hate when people turn their gift into a job for me. It's happened several times and I wish I'd put my foot down and said no. It would be different if it was a group effort and everyone had agreed to it before starting.
She might not think that the gift is the same great idea that you think it is.

Either it's a gift from you OP in which case you don't badger other people
to contribute or you accept it's a joint effort and maybe your sister will be more happy to assist?

Thank you :)
Im glad there’s nothing like that in your family i was just trying to give a different perspective just in case

The best thing then is just crack on without her, you’ve given her the opportunity to be involved and she’s said no , that’s on her

Hmm
I think if a family member who I don’t get on with asked me to go out of my way to make an effort to help them to create a really lovely gift, I’d pause for thought too.

I’d probably do it if I really cared about the recipient but I can see why she possibly doesn’t want to.

She will frequently ignore my wishes in family situations, will pretend to not hear my request or comment for something (such as a suggestion in a conversation about a family day out or meet up). So for example she might call me and we’ll have a conversation about a family holiday she is organising, and I will explain that location a would be great but location b is trickier. And she will say ‘understood, let’s go for a’ and then in a group chat with family she’ll completely overlook that conversation ever happened and go with location b. Just one example but I’m trying to be specific!!

I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!).

Oh come on. Just one really shit one.

Reply to her “haven’t got time” message with “Is that the message you want in the book?”

I’m not sure that putting 3 photos in an envelope & writing approx 20 words on a piece of white paper is ‘a lot of effort’!

A different perspective for you - which you will likely disagree with, but you asked for opinions so give this one a try:

She never asked you to put this together - if she had and is now reneging on helping, then she would be behaving improperly. As it is: she never asked you to do this. If you wanted to put a memory book together with photos etc then it was your idea and your responsibility to put it together - no doubt there are loads of photos and other info you can use. She's not obligated to do something just because you think it's a good idea.

As for calling her "a cow" - wow. If you don't have a good relationship with her then why on earth would you poke that bear and place expectations on her to help you (again, she never asked for you to do any of this) with a gift??? Why did you decide to involve her when you already knew that there was a chance she wouldn't want to be involved and would want to do her own thing for your mum's birthday?? Seems like you already knew it might not be an idea or project that she would be particularly interested in, so why create drama or a potential for drama when you already knew that there was a likelihood that it wouldn't be something she'd be interested in??

Sadly this pattern happens a lot in dysfunctional family relationships: People don't take the hint, and they continue to try to force a square peg into a round hole. You continue to create situations of expectation, and then be upset/annoyed when your sister doesn't do what you are expecting her to do. The thing is: you didn't need to create that situation of potential conflict. You could have chosen to make your own memory book and put in your own selection of photos etc etc - no one asked you to put it together. Furthermore, people who go down this route of expecting actions/behaviour from people constantly set themselves up to be disappointed and to be annoyed: you know that your sister "has form" in that regard, so why do you keep on poking her with these expectations? You cannot expect other people to change their behaviour - the only behaviour you can change is your own. As for expectations: stop having them! Control what you can control, and stop creating situations that may also create disappointment. Also be aware: sometimes people create these situations of potential conflict because they - consciously or unconsciously - "like" the drama they create. Some people use these situations as a means of trying to feel superior (as in "oh my sister is being a jerk again! this time she...") or because they actually do get a buzz from conflict and the attention that they get when conflict happens. This may not be the case for you, but it's something to be aware of and ponder if this seems to be something that happens to you in other relationships too.

From now on: manage your expectations when it comes to your sister. Stop creating situations where you expect anything of her. Let her sort out her gifts and what she is going to do to celebrate your mum. Do you do your thing and let her do hers.

Hahaha!! Love it! I could write out in beautiful calligraphy ‘I’m sorry but I just don’t have the time to send a tailored note’ and stick it in! Lols!

“I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!).”

Yeah. I’d definitely be getting fed up of these requests if I were her too.

Im super confused

Leave her to it and drop the rope. Don’t mention it again.

Some people just love creating negative energy and upsetting others, so don’t get suckered in (hard not to though).

I hope you have a lovely celebration 💐

We have an overbearing relative who takes it upon themselves to do this kind of thing, no consultation with others, joint planning or asking for others opinions and meaningful input. They are just equally are a glory seeker and a professional martyr. Did you plan this together with your sister or just present it to her as a done deal?

I’m afraid I’d do, and have done the same as your sister. I HATE jolly hockey sticks joint projects. I HATE enforced togetherness. I HATE someone co-opting me into their project. I HATE being told what to do. And more than all those, I hate being guilted for all the things I hate.

If you were my sibling and suggested this, I’d tell you that I have my own present in mind and to please proceed without me (and also that I don’t want to hear a word about me “spoiling” your present - should have asked me first before unilaterally deciding on an idea that required input I don’t want to give). The only thing I fault your sister for is not being upfront about her intentions.

Karma will get her when she sees mum gushing over the nice messages and there isn’t one from her.

Surely you have some photos of you both to include. Yabu making am issue of this.

"She’s doing it to try & sink my idea"

"to me it is clear that she’s just trying to undermine my idea."

"She doesn’t like the fact that the gift that may well mean the most to my mum will have originated from me. Jealousy, possibly?!!"

"I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her"

I'm sorry but you just sound like a pair of 9 year old's squabbling.

She's told you she doesn't want to take part, she's said the gift is from you and I'd say it's pretty clear she feels you'll take the credit for it.

Yet instead of accepting that, you've followed up your message to her FOUR times?

Just leave her out of it and do whatever you're going to do but for goodness sake, I bet your mum would love to bang both your heads together.

You're missing the point: she never asked you to put this together! It doesn't matter what the "ask" is, the point is that you are imposing on other people's time etc when they never asked you to put this book together in the first place. If it's your gift to your mother then just put it together yourself. No one is obligated to take part in your project - and they shouldn't be made to feel bad for not taking part. You clearly don't get on well with your sister so it wasn't a good idea to be trying to manage her behaviour anyway. Just leave her be - and don't create drama that didn't need to be created. And certainly don't use this as some points scoring exercise with your mum.

If it's bothering you that much then leave some pages in the back for people to add their own thoughts and memories if and when there is a family party. That way your mum can the add cards etc that she receives from people to the book. For all we know your mum is the kind of person who would much rather have people to chat to in real life and a phone call/visit than a book full of photos and memories that she already has - so expending a load of energy and angst over this isn't likely the most productive use of your time when you could be taking your mum out for a cup of tea, or doing whatever activities she likes to do.

She is a total cow but don’t message. Put it all together and she won’t factor.

I understand you are making it and putting a lot of time and effort in and it’s a gorgeous gift , however I would have said it was from all of us , not myself if I did it. Your mum would know you were the instigator of it but giving it as a joint gift seeing everyone contributed is how I’d have probably done it if I were in your shoes.