Page 4 | My sister is such a cow!!

Ilikeadrink14 · 31/05/2025 23:36

Eldermileniummam · 31/05/2025 23:22

Either it's a gift from you OP in which case you don't badger other people
to contribute or you accept it's a joint effort and maybe your sister will be more happy to assist?

You are missing the point here. The book was meant to have snippets and contributions from family and, maybe, friends. If the OP didn’t ask (ask, NOT badger) others for their contributions, there would be no book.
if the sister doesn’t want to join in, that’s her choice, I think she is being mean. If she wanted to give her own present, that’s fine, but refusing to have anything to do with the book is weird. The OP says they all get on well, so I find the sister’s refusal strange. She could contribute to the book but give her own, personal gift as well. What would be wrong with that?
Looking on the bright side, the Birthday Girl will get two gifts instead of just one! Sounds good to me!

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 23:37

ShortyShorts · 31/05/2025 23:33

"She’s doing it to try & sink my idea"

"to me it is clear that she’s just trying to undermine my idea."

"She doesn’t like the fact that the gift that may well mean the most to my mum will have originated from me. Jealousy, possibly?!!"

"I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her"

I'm sorry but you just sound like a pair of 9 year old's squabbling.

She's told you she doesn't want to take part, she's said the gift is from you and I'd say it's pretty clear she feels you'll take the credit for it.

Yet instead of accepting that, you've followed up your message to her FOUR times?

Just leave her out of it and do whatever you're going to do but for goodness sake, I bet your mum would love to bang both your heads together.

I totally agree with you. This is utterly dysfunctional and completely obnoxious behaviour. The kind of thing one would expect from 10 year olds, not grown women!!
I can tell you exactly how this convo would happen with my sisters and a big birthday:
Q: Oh hey, thinking of putting together a memory book for mum - do you want to join in?
A: Oh that's sweet but I already sorted out a present/card etc.
Q: Awesome! Bet she will love it! See you soon! xxx

Ellie56 · 31/05/2025 23:38

44PumpLane · 31/05/2025 22:23

Find a couple of photos of your Mum and your sister, where your sister looks ropey and include them! Then when she complains just tell her she had her chance to send over some that she liked and that you think she looks lovely in the pics 😂

Yes great idea. Do this OP!

godmum56 · 31/05/2025 23:43

Umm I dunno. I mean if you had messaged round the family with the suggestion and asked who would like to have stuff included and she had made a snotty remark then or said Yes then and pulled out later, I'd say cow......but if you decided to do it and framed it as "this is what I sm doing" then maybe not as kind as you'd hope for but not cow IMO

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 23:43

Ilikeadrink14 · 31/05/2025 23:36

You are missing the point here. The book was meant to have snippets and contributions from family and, maybe, friends. If the OP didn’t ask (ask, NOT badger) others for their contributions, there would be no book.
if the sister doesn’t want to join in, that’s her choice, I think she is being mean. If she wanted to give her own present, that’s fine, but refusing to have anything to do with the book is weird. The OP says they all get on well, so I find the sister’s refusal strange. She could contribute to the book but give her own, personal gift as well. What would be wrong with that?
Looking on the bright side, the Birthday Girl will get two gifts instead of just one! Sounds good to me!

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Not mean or weird at all - no one asked her to put together a book! If she wanted to put one together herself then that's on her. But just because she wanted snippets etc from people doesn't mean that she's entitled to them or that people should feel obligated to do anything - again, they never asked her to put this book together! Expecting other people to do things just because you think it's a nice idea is rude. It is conflict-seeking behaviour and it's not appropriate.

Remember: if you ask someone to do something then you have to be content with "no" being a potential response. This is basic communication that we teach children from a young age, and is one reason why parents tell their children to do things - you cannot punish someone for saying "no" if presented with a question! So: essentially what you are saying is that OP should be allowed to tell her sister what to do just because she thinks it's a nice idea to put together a book. That's nonsense. Managing expectations and conflict management are important skills to learn when growing up, and it seems the OP needs to do a bit of work on developing those skills so she stops getting bend out of shape.

Pistachiocake · 31/05/2025 23:43

Don't know how old you are (relevant because of how many photos you're likely to have and how they're stored/whether you can access them online etc) but can you just include some of her, if you have them? Yes, it would be nice if she'd get involved, but this way at least she'd be in tem, if you're worried your mum might be upset if she's not?
Sadly I've heard lots of stories like yours, please don't let her upset you. I can only think of about 3 friends who get on with their sisters at all-oh well, we can choose our friends!

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 23:44

Ellie56 · 31/05/2025 23:38

Yes great idea. Do this OP!

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Wow...talk about spiteful and unnecessarily dramatic. You really think a 90 year old mum would want this as a birthday present??? Yikes. Your family get togethers must be delightful.

Sheepsheeps · 31/05/2025 23:46

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 22:19

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

I'm going to go against the grain here too....
So did you discuss with everyone before implementing this gift idea to see if everyone wanted to do it or did you take it upon yourself to do it anyway assuming everyone would participate regardless?? Why go ahead with a gift that would potentially divide people anyway?
I hate it when people do this as they think the moment one person doesn't want to join in that they are a scrooge and have 'ruined' their amazing plan of the best gift ever.

TBH, you're not sounding particularly mature here......

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:47

Caligirl80 · 31/05/2025 23:25

A different perspective for you - which you will likely disagree with, but you asked for opinions so give this one a try:

She never asked you to put this together - if she had and is now reneging on helping, then she would be behaving improperly. As it is: she never asked you to do this. If you wanted to put a memory book together with photos etc then it was your idea and your responsibility to put it together - no doubt there are loads of photos and other info you can use. She's not obligated to do something just because you think it's a good idea.

As for calling her "a cow" - wow. If you don't have a good relationship with her then why on earth would you poke that bear and place expectations on her to help you (again, she never asked for you to do any of this) with a gift??? Why did you decide to involve her when you already knew that there was a chance she wouldn't want to be involved and would want to do her own thing for your mum's birthday?? Seems like you already knew it might not be an idea or project that she would be particularly interested in, so why create drama or a potential for drama when you already knew that there was a likelihood that it wouldn't be something she'd be interested in??

Sadly this pattern happens a lot in dysfunctional family relationships: People don't take the hint, and they continue to try to force a square peg into a round hole. You continue to create situations of expectation, and then be upset/annoyed when your sister doesn't do what you are expecting her to do. The thing is: you didn't need to create that situation of potential conflict. You could have chosen to make your own memory book and put in your own selection of photos etc etc - no one asked you to put it together. Furthermore, people who go down this route of expecting actions/behaviour from people constantly set themselves up to be disappointed and to be annoyed: you know that your sister "has form" in that regard, so why do you keep on poking her with these expectations? You cannot expect other people to change their behaviour - the only behaviour you can change is your own. As for expectations: stop having them! Control what you can control, and stop creating situations that may also create disappointment. Also be aware: sometimes people create these situations of potential conflict because they - consciously or unconsciously - "like" the drama they create. Some people use these situations as a means of trying to feel superior (as in "oh my sister is being a jerk again! this time she...") or because they actually do get a buzz from conflict and the attention that they get when conflict happens. This may not be the case for you, but it's something to be aware of and ponder if this seems to be something that happens to you in other relationships too.

From now on: manage your expectations when it comes to your sister. Stop creating situations where you expect anything of her. Let her sort out her gifts and what she is going to do to celebrate your mum. Do you do your thing and let her do hers.

Thanks @Caligirl80- I actually think your advice is good, and I think you make a good point about ‘why would I expect her to help if I have a crappy relationship with her’. I guess it’s because this project / gift is much bigger than her. She’s just a small part of a big family & I guess it just seems so bloody churlish on her part to be the only one not included.

But you part about square pegs & round holes is a good point!

OP posts:

SheridansPortSalut · 31/05/2025 23:47

"I’ve previously organised a sewing project (a sewn ‘picture’ that I made for our dad) and it took a huge amount of effort to get her to send me something for that - she had a year’s notice!)"

Seriously. Stop trying to drag other people into your crafty projects. I'd love to hear the other side of this story.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 23:48

I’d never have the balls to refuse to participate in something like this, but I find these sorts of high effort personalised gifts to be very much about the giver / organiser, who often expects a performance of OTT gratitude and emotion from the receiver, and heaps of praise from other family members.

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:48

Pistachiocake · 31/05/2025 23:43

Don't know how old you are (relevant because of how many photos you're likely to have and how they're stored/whether you can access them online etc) but can you just include some of her, if you have them? Yes, it would be nice if she'd get involved, but this way at least she'd be in tem, if you're worried your mum might be upset if she's not?
Sadly I've heard lots of stories like yours, please don't let her upset you. I can only think of about 3 friends who get on with their sisters at all-oh well, we can choose our friends!

Thanks…you’re right.

OP posts:

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:48

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 23:48

I’d never have the balls to refuse to participate in something like this, but I find these sorts of high effort personalised gifts to be very much about the giver / organiser, who often expects a performance of OTT gratitude and emotion from the receiver, and heaps of praise from other family members.

eek…this is absolutely not what this is about!

OP posts:

willstarttomorrow · 31/05/2025 23:49

Just to add to my previous post. I have a mother with late stage dementia in a nursing home and therefore hard to buy gifts for. A couple of xmas's ago I put together a memory book for her, maybe asked sibs and family/friends if they had photos etc to add but it was very much a gift from me and her grand-daughter. No shouting about people being a cow if they did not get back to me, accessing the family photos and just using Google to find pictures of old places etc. It was not particularly hard to do. You sound really hard work OP tbh. Yes it is a thoughtful gift but not massively original. You seem to want the credit and lots of praise for what is basically a joint effort which you could have involved your sibling in from the start.

MyNamedoesntWork · 31/05/2025 23:49

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ….. there is a lot to be said for being an only child!

Flossflower · 31/05/2025 23:49

I am with your sister. She has an idea of what she wants to give your mother and has got it. You want to do something else and you need to sort it out yourself.
i have a friend that I have known for many years. Every time she has a special birthday one of her family members tries to get everyone to contribute something. This is just not my sort of thing. I did it the first time not realising that everyone would see all contributions. Now I always don’t bother.

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:51

Ilikeadrink14 · 31/05/2025 23:36

You are missing the point here. The book was meant to have snippets and contributions from family and, maybe, friends. If the OP didn’t ask (ask, NOT badger) others for their contributions, there would be no book.
if the sister doesn’t want to join in, that’s her choice, I think she is being mean. If she wanted to give her own present, that’s fine, but refusing to have anything to do with the book is weird. The OP says they all get on well, so I find the sister’s refusal strange. She could contribute to the book but give her own, personal gift as well. What would be wrong with that?
Looking on the bright side, the Birthday Girl will get two gifts instead of just one! Sounds good to me!

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Exactly this.

OP posts:

5128gap · 31/05/2025 23:51

The most important person in this is your mum. How will she feel if your sister is conspicuous by her absence? If you think she'll be upset at all, then in your shoes I'd probably grit my teeth and tell your sister that and ask if there's anything you can do to 'help' her contribute. Using photos you've got, writing her message for her etc. If she still says no, then you'll have done everything you can for your mum. And yes, your sister is being a cow.

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:54

HiRen · 31/05/2025 23:31

I’m afraid I’d do, and have done the same as your sister. I HATE jolly hockey sticks joint projects. I HATE enforced togetherness. I HATE someone co-opting me into their project. I HATE being told what to do. And more than all those, I hate being guilted for all the things I hate.

If you were my sibling and suggested this, I’d tell you that I have my own present in mind and to please proceed without me (and also that I don’t want to hear a word about me “spoiling” your present - should have asked me first before unilaterally deciding on an idea that required input I don’t want to give). The only thing I fault your sister for is not being upfront about her intentions.

if we all went by your logic, there would never be form of joint effort in the world. Which seems sad.

Interestingly, I also HATE joint family gatherings, but I don’t think asking people to send a few photos & a message for a 90 yr olds memory book is much to ask!

OP posts:

BeautifulCoastalSunset · 31/05/2025 23:55

I don’t think you’re coming across particularly well here OP. It makes me wonder if you want the glory of giving this gift, despite it not really bring from you as such, and that you think the gift will make you look better than your sister. It would be really interesting to hear your sisters side, I wonder if you have spent your life trying to outdo her and then calling her a cow. It’s not a good look.

ShortyShorts · 31/05/2025 23:55

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:48

eek…this is absolutely not what this is about!

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It's how it comes across though, well to some of us at least.

I know we only get one side of the story on MN but like a PP, it's one story I'd dearly love to hear your sister's view on.

Especially with the added 'sewing project'.

Either way, you're disappointed and I get that but following up 4 times when your sister had told you no, doesn't show you in a particularly good light either.

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 23:55

You’ve been waxing lyrical about all the effort you’re making, the pressed flowers and whatnot, and how this will be your DM’s most meaningful present and how jealous your sister must be that she hadn’t thought of it. It does read a bit as though it’s less to do with your DM and more to do with the fact that you’re still - in your 60s - angling to be the favourite daughter.

Original poster

PIPERHELLO · 31/05/2025 23:57

5128gap · 31/05/2025 23:51

The most important person in this is your mum. How will she feel if your sister is conspicuous by her absence? If you think she'll be upset at all, then in your shoes I'd probably grit my teeth and tell your sister that and ask if there's anything you can do to 'help' her contribute. Using photos you've got, writing her message for her etc. If she still says no, then you'll have done everything you can for your mum. And yes, your sister is being a cow.

Yes. I’ve done exactly this, massively gritted my teeth & offered to ‘help’ politely. Because it is all about mum, and ultimately mum will want everyone included.
it’ll be ok without her, I’ll manage, but I think it’s just petty! It would have been so easy for my sister to say yes of course & texted me 3 photos & a message to include if she couldn’t be arsed to send something in the post.

OP posts:

BeautifulCoastalSunset · 31/05/2025 23:57

VoltaireMittyDream · 31/05/2025 23:55

You’ve been waxing lyrical about all the effort you’re making, the pressed flowers and whatnot, and how this will be your DM’s most meaningful present and how jealous your sister must be that she hadn’t thought of it. It does read a bit as though it’s less to do with your DM and more to do with the fact that you’re still - in your 60s - angling to be the favourite daughter.

Yes, absolutely. It’s really pathetic. Hopefully if that is the case, her sister is past caring and her mum is wise to it.

Threepiece · 31/05/2025 23:57

MsTTT · 31/05/2025 23:05

Based on your posts here, I think your sister sees you as quite narcissistic. You seem very confident that, of all the gifts your mum will receive, yours will be her favourite. You also view any feelings contrary to an interpretation of you as confident or outgoing as jealousy.

Your sister has said she doesn’t have time to take part in helping you with your gift. She’s entitled to do that. You’re creating a memory book, not a court summons.

I’m guessing you have a history of badgering people to do things to make you look good.

Wow, what a massively negative viewpoint. I’ve been the person putting these books together, and I’ve also been really happy when someone else does it, because it’s a lot of work, but it’s always really nice either way - for the recipient. They are always obviously group gifts based on pictures from different events and people.

Calling someone you don’t know a narcissist is… well… some things are best not said.