My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

I'd be annoyed, but because it's a gift to celebrate your mother, I wouldn't resort to any pettiness. Do what you think would make your mother happy. For me, that would mean including nice photos with your sister in them, too, and doing whatever else you can (short of lying) to make it less obvious that your sister didn't care enough to do this easy, nice thing to make your mother feel special and loved.

Yes…that’s exactly what I’m doing. I think I just needed to vent as I just want to shake her & tell her what a selfish cow I feel she’s being.

Neither…she gets on fine with mum, but hates my guts! I think she’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her, and this is how it manifests…sadly.

That’s kinda how it will be framed. And it will be obviously from everyone had they’ll all have their messages included etc. U think she can’t cope with even the fact that I might hand it over to mum. 🤦‍♀️

This is a perfect response!

Yes…I’m planning to do just that…I suppose it just makes me sad that she won’t particularly because it’s me, even despite the bigger picture of it being mum’s big birthday.

Or it could also be that your sister just thinks that whole photo book thing is a bit naff and doesn’t want to contribute. I mean, respectfully, I wouldn’t purchase that sort of thing for my mum, and my mum wouldn’t really like that sort of thing either, she’d prefer a bottle of Chanel No 5.

Now your mum might love it and you’re clearly excited to do it for her, which is lovely. But if your sister doesn’t agree, I don’t think that makes her a cow. Just leave her out of it.

Don’t put any energy there. Let her be a bit selfish about it - whatever is going on in her head isn’t your responsibility.

choose a couple of nice photos of her and your mum. Include them. Don’t make a big deal out of it + don’t drag your mum into any drama surrounding what will otherwise be a lovely gift.

take the high road. quietly.

When you say kinda this sounds a bit like you’re going to say it’s from you but the implication is from everyone due to the messages. It does feel a bit like you are saying look what I got you or an even a look what I got everyone to do.

It might be that you have form for this. Doubt you’d admit that here but your wording doesn’t feel like you are saying it’s a gift from everyone. It’s not a we are going to give it to her vibe. It’s an I will give it to her vibe.

Sister’s side would be interesting to hear…

Thanks, good advice. I think this is what I’ll plan to do.

Based on your posts here, I think your sister sees you as quite narcissistic. You seem very confident that, of all the gifts your mum will receive, yours will be her favourite. You also view any feelings contrary to an interpretation of you as confident or outgoing as jealousy.

Your sister has said she doesn’t have time to take part in helping you with your gift. She’s entitled to do that. You’re creating a memory book, not a court summons.

I’m guessing you have a history of badgering people to do things to make you look good.

Oh fuck off 😂 No 90 year old thinks photo books are naff, that's just normal for them! I'm assuming you're very young and not aware that a 90 year old would have used photo albums most of her life. Though she still may be too trendy for old lady perfume like Chanel number 5!

Even if that were true, why would the OP's sister want to hurt her mother to make that point?

MN just enjoys kicking an op regardless.

Ooh! I do enjoy assumptions being made that I’m very young.

Unfortunately I’m not very young. But, you learn something new everyday…not everyone loves a photo book!

Well it is something I have done, yes. I bought the book, and have spent a lot of time and effort on it. I think my mum will see it’s had involvement & input from everyone. I’m not hung up on getting all the praise or anything - that’s not really mum’s style anyway.

Haha!! Yep, a photo book is right up this 90 yr old’s street!

Im glad you took them as a joke and I’m honestly trying to just be objective here but …

i had a mother who’d intentionally put the worst photo of me in the album just to make a point , when I complained I was told i was a selfish bitch and she’d burn the whole album if I didn’t like it.
i had to endure years of her displaying the album to guests and pointing and guffawing at how stupid and ugly I looked. My siblings, who I love and get on great with, had no idea!
So for some people it’s just a joke but for some of us it’s reality unfortunately
If a family member asked me for a photo tomorrow I wouldn’t have one I’d feel comfortable giving them.

You think your sister hates you because you’re outgoing and confident? Only you know your family personally but I think this issue comes from your parents and there’s more to it.
In any case you can just decide to carry on without her

Your mum has known you both for a long time. I'm sure she knows which one of you is genuine and which one is a cow.

Maybe she just doesn’t like this sort of gift. She has a different gift idea. Why should she have to participate in yours?

I’m sure it is. But it might not be your sisters idea of lovely. And that’s ok. That’s what you need to understand. The gift is from you…you shouldn’t try to force or guilt others into contributing and if they don’t want to, then accept that gracefully.

If she has form then why did you pick a gift that would show her up?

We have a similar family dynamic and we just do our own gifts.

She may be under the impression that you're going to take credit for something that's from all of you?

Of course it’s a gift from her! She is getting all the content together, presumably putting it in some kind of book form, and she will be putting it out for everyone to see. I think it’s a brilliant gift!

Hahaha!! Bloody hell! Are you my sister?!! Harsh!!
I don’t think I have a history of “badgering people to do things to make me look good”, no…but hey, who knows how everyone else views these things!?

Thank you @Ilikeadrink14