My sister is such a cow!!

[PIPERHELLO]

It’s a big milestone birthday for my mum (90), and I’m putting together a scrapbook of family photos, messages etc. Months ago I asked everyone to send brief messages / photos / memories for inclusion. Pretty much everyone has, except my eldest sister who tells me she ‘hasn’t got time’ and that it’s a gift from me, and she’s already got her gift sorted! 🤦‍♀️ Kind of not the point!!

Sadly, she has form here. She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.

What I want to do is send her a reply saying she’s sort of missing the point, and how hard can it be to send a few photos & a message. But - am I right in thinking there’s little point! She’s not stupid. She’s doing it to try & sink my idea, simple as that. (She won’t - I’ve got loads of other nice stuff to include!)

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

Yes, I’ve found a few nice photos of her to include so I think I’m just going to try & make her opt-out as un-noticeable as possible.

If you don't think she's motivated by jealousy at the OP being the organiser, what reason do you think she has for being so awkward?

I think she's probably just pissed off as the OP has form for these 'projects', clearly doesn't like her sister, thinks her sister is 'jealous of her confidence' and has a penchant for calling her sister a 'cow' on a public forum.

That and the obvious bad history between the two of them, are just a few reasons.

Ultimately we have two grown women squabbling like 9 year olds and their poor mum has probably had a belly full of it their whole lives.

Quite, and people don't bother to go back and change the vote after the follow up posts.

Very diplomatically put.

OP sounds just like my own sister, a complete pain in the arse who needs more to do in her life so that she can stop dreaming up crap like this and trying to commandeer others to take part. As you can see I am not so diplomatic.

There's a surprising number of people who aren't aware you can change your vote.

She’s always had issues with the fact that I’ve been more confident and outgoing than her, and this is how it manifests…sadly.

I just want to shake her & tell her what a selfish cow I feel she’s being.

Jealousy, possibly?!!

"Find a couple of photos of your Mum and your sister, where your sister looks ropey and include them!"
Hahahaha!! Love it!

She doesn’t like the fact that the gift that may well mean the most to my mum will have originated from me.

the gift that may well mean the most to my mum

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??

this project / gift is much bigger than her, she’s just a small part of a big family

She often doesn’t support me on this type of thing. So I’m not that surprised.....

Your posts aren't out of concern, there's no warmth whatsoever.

Get you wanting to vent, but,
If you aren't so surprised, why ask her, why follow up 4 times, why post on here,
why turn it into a big deal, why keep on?

You disagree with posters giving possible reasons for your sister's refusal but agree with everyone bashing her.

She (unsurprisingly) said No.

I totally understand and agree with where you are coming from lol! Definitely have one of these "obsessive planners and organisers" in my extended family - and they are insufferable. They tend to like to have something to complain about, or a cross to martyr themselves on, and if there isn't a cross available they will concoct some drama to writhe around in.

A closer family member was starting to go down that path but those expectations got managed very quickly and boundaries were put in place to make sure they knew that sort of behaviour was not appropriate and was going to cause unnecessary drama. I think most people are smart enough to realise that "joint" gifts are a source of potential drama and that the best way to avoid that drama is to just do your own thing. Sadly there are people in the world who seek out opportunities to either reinforce their concerns/annoyances, or who go further and have a psychological issue that means they confuse drama with attention: they can't get people to like them, so the way they get them to pay attention to them and interact with them is to cause annoyance. It's a sad situation to be in, but if the individual wants to get better then CBT and related therapies can be very helpful (I realise I'm preaching to the converted so my points are for other people who may be reading).

I totally agree with you.

You seem to not understand the word I used- “narcissistic”. I didn’t say you were a narcissist.

Just a quick distinction—calling someone a narcissist is saying they are one, like they have a narcissistic personality disorder or deeply ingrained traits. That’s a big claim and usually needs more context or even a diagnosis, which obviously could never be done on a chat forum. Saying someone is acting narcissistic, on the other hand, just means their behaviour in a certain moment or situation seems self-absorbed, attention-seeking, or lacking empathy. It’s like the difference between saying someone is rude vs being rude right now. One’s a label, the other’s an observation.

The only one who looks stupid here is her. So just carry on and make the scrap book without her. It’s a lovely idea.

I imagine a lot of people would change their minds if they read the whole post history rather than just the original post: the additional information you provided casts you in a far more negative light than the information provided in the initial post. Including the "sewing project" and your comments that make it seem that you have some kind of desire for your gift to be viewed as "the best" or for your sister to be "jealous" of what you are doing. That is the kind of spiteful school girl logic that you should have ditched from your mentality many decades ago. Grow the heck up!!!!

Again: You are in your sixties! This kind of behaviour is unbecoming! Make a photobook or don't make a photobook, it really doesn't matter. Just stop expecting your sister - or anyone else for that matter - to join in with your projects. From now on: do your projects yourself. If someone wants to join in let them ask, stop with the expectations and the drama. It is a bit ridiculous that this is the same advice I had to give to a 14 year old girl the other day who was upset at school, but here we are. Hopefully she will listen and won't still be making the same expectations errors decades later in her sixties! I hate to think how much wasted time and angst youve expended over the years with this petty silliness.

I’d just leave a blank space where you were expecting your sister to contribute and if your mum asks about it, just explain that she didn’t participate. Let that sort itself out on its own.

Really? Genuinely, how come?

I mean, your take on it is quite dramatic too and comparing her to a 14 year old? It’s a memory book for a ninety-year-old woman, even if she’s busy and not super keen she could probably just take five mins and send a couple of pictures and a few nice words. But if she doesn’t want to, I’m not sure why that makes the OP childish? Unless it feels good to suggest that to someone? I sometimes tell my 14-year-old ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ 😊

I like this idea!

You're forgetting the fact that the OP asked for opinions - and when you do that you have to expect a range of them, and for people to be honest. There are some other sayings I'm sure you tell your kids: including sometimes having to be cruel to be kind etc etc etc.

You clearly have your own boundary issues: if you ask someone to do something then you have to be happy with a potential answer being "no". Whether or not the idea is "nice" or not is irrelevant. The sister's "no" response is perfectly valid and should be respected. Maybe you have problems taking no for an answer?

@Threepiece saying nothing at all is showing your child they do not need to set boundaries and to be honest the OP sounds more and more up her own arse as she posts. Her sister said no. OP cannot compute somebody saying no to her. As I said in my other post not all kids have the same parents even if it is the same human. My mother abused me, loved my sister and my sister would do this photoshite too. Not everyone needs to be nor should be a 'yes' person to appease others. OP comes across as the golden child of a narcissistic parent and her sister the scapegoat and if that is the case, and it was with me, then no way would I be considering wasting my time trying to fill in a memory book on behalf of the other sibling who wants to make it.

No, not forgetting. Just like you said, different opinions.

I do always wonder why people expect OPs to stay beautifully calm, thoughtful and kind, when they’re getting quite aggressive responses? I mean we’re not talking about the thoughtful ‘perhaps your sister might have other reasons’ posts, we’re talking about the ones suggesting OP is thoughtless, looking for glory or diagnosing her as a narcissist. But - each to their own with acceptable boundaries.

Have you not read the other posts? Including OP's admission that she's tried to force these "joint projects" on her relatives before, again without actually consulting anyone to see if it was something they'd actually want to do? Assuming that people will like the same things you like is not a pleasant personality trait. You may think a photo memory book is lovely idea, but for many other people they'd find such a thing utterly noxious - particularly if they already have the same photos. Or don't have pleasant memories of family times. Which is the case for a lot of people. As such being part of a project that involves looking back over old photos could be incredibly unpleasant. They may get on with a parent now, but it could have taken them a lot of hard work and therapy to be able to do that. Or they might like their mum but really find their siblings utterly insufferable. The point being: forcing your "happy families" viewpoint on others isn't terribly helpful.

Fair enough. I mean it’s just a photo book not a year long documentary but ok.

Yup - you forgot. You told me to keep my opinions to myself, but the OP clearly asked for those opinions to be shared. The alternative, if you are saying you didn't forget, is that you are the kind of person who thinks that people should either agree with you or shut up. Which is a very unfortunate personality trait. If you think that people shouldn't share negative opinions on a page that is clearly titled "am I being unreasonable" then you don't really understand the point of the forum.

It's a nice idea OP, but your deciding to do something doesn't make it compulsory for other people to participate.

Having been through a hard place where I honestly wouldn't have had the mental space to do this in a timely fashion, I say just take that she doesn't have time at face value and continue with your project by yourself. She has her own ideas.

I have the same experience here. I was treated very differently to my sister growing up, and she has NO idea about it. She left for university, and my life was awful. She idolises my mum and won't hear a single word against her.

We've just had a family celebration for my mum - my sister wanted speeches, photographs etc. I found it very, very difficult.

You know for certain that she is trying to undermine you and sink your idea. Yet you have gone back to her 4 times already, prompting her, trying to get her to change her mind and now want advice on how to word yet another message to her, saying that she has missed the point.

It would be better if you left it alone now OP otherwise it’s you who looks like the controlling baddie in this situation. It will be you who looks like the one missing the point. Your sister has stated she doesn’t have time and has already sorted her gift. You must accept that and stop antagonising her. She probably feels harassed by you and your project already.
You are in danger of now taking it too far and using the memory album as a weapon to highlight her refusal of your invitation to take part which she is perfectly entitled to do. Just do the best you can and minimise the absence of her contribution. You sound very experienced in producing nice mementoes like this so shouldn’t have a problem covering for her. It’s simply about ensuring you are not hurting your mum with your otherwise very thoughtful gift.

AIBU in thinking she’s a complete cow??
You can think whatever you like of course.
But you would be very unreasonable to highlight your negative thoughts about her in any way to your mum.
From what you have written, I do feel your OP title isn’t justified. Your sister is just a different sort of person to you.