To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

I’m not sure you have a very good grasp of statistics as the percentage chances are very small in all groups, so even when risks double or triple with age they are still in fact very small indeed.

Well you’re classed as a geriatric pregnancy at 35 and 46 is regarded old to be a new father. So terms of biology that is old due to women going through the menopause at your age.

It's common to ask new colleagues in their early 20s if they have children. Some do, some don't. 18 is pushing it into being unlikely, the same as asking a 36 year old if they're a grandparent is unlikely.
But asking a 49 year old isn't at all unlikely or equivalent to asking an 18 year old. She could have had a DC at 25 and the DC had a child at 24. Completely common ages.

My first grandchild was born when I was 40.

I guess I live in a rough area, in social housing, have never been to uni and I have no career. Only one of those things is true.

I feel like people are slightly missing the point. I don't think being a grandparent at 49 is shocking or highly unusual and if someone told me they were I wouldn't think anything of it. However, I also don't think it's so common that it would be usual to think that any given 49 year old was likely enough to be a grandmother that it was a good topic of conversation. In the same way as I'm not horrified or thrown to meet a 20 year with a child, but if I'm introduced to a 20 year old I wouldn't be putting 'children' on the likely conversation list.

(I wouldn't actually ask anyone if they had either children or grandchildren, ever, because I think it's a really intrusive and potentially upsetting question)

What differernce does it make if it's common? There's nothing wrong with asking someone if something less unusual but entirely possible and fine is true of them.

You are plenty old enough for grandchildren, it's not like you are 30 and she thinks you are 45 which might be a bit off-putting. (Although my neighbour at your age had three grandchildren, one of whom was 10, so still in her 30s when she became a grandmother.

If the average age of a first time mum is around 29 these days I assume that will lead to the average age of a grandmother being closer to 60 than 50.

I agree it’s probably area / who you mix with dependent - I’m 45 and would be quite insulted if people assumed I might be a grandmother - my youngest is still in primary school. But then pretty much everyone I know socially and at work has been late twenties at absolute youngest having a first child. The very occasional person mid twenties is definitely seen as “young”.

I wouldn’t ask someone in their early 20s if they had children. If they have them, they can volunteer that information themselves. If you know someone has adult kids then okay but otherwise how about no - especially if you don’t even know if they have any children because then obviously they wouldn’t have grandkids would they.

I don’t need your life story. It’s not an outlook, it’s fact. You can’t argue with science. Although you never know on MN.

I thought this was going to be about a different dilemma: a much older woman is asked if she has grandchildren, and replies sadly "I'd love to have grandchildren, but my children don't want to have any children."

Okay then well seeing as there are grans in their mid to late 30s I will start asking women that age that I meet if they have any grandkids because after all what does it matter if it’s common?
People just love to stick the boot in don’t they. How very dare the OP think she’s a bit young to be a grandmother. Let’s put her in her place.

You've missed the point. It depends very much where you live. In the OP's circle, nobody has grandchildren at 49. I myself have only seen 49 year old grandmothers on TV.

It's true that the woman asking the question was just making conversation.

Well of course there are group trends, which individual experiences may or may not reflect. Like how every teen mother on MN went on to have both a PhD and her first million by 30, but in reality the statistics are very, very clear that having children young is a major predictor of lifelong poverty and of worse educational outcomes for both the mother and her children.

I don’t know what the stats are today but I was surprised to learn ( about 25 years ago ) that there were over 2000 grandmothers aged 28 in the UK .

People just love to stick the boot in don’t they.

So it seems. Wasn’t it you who called the woman who asked “a bitch”?

I don’t need your superior attitude other.
I don’t argue with science, prenatal testing is available to ensure risks are minimal, who are you to condemn other’s life choices?

Loads of people have grandchildren at 49. My friend (same age as me) had 5 grandkids at 49 (as her kids were 21-27) whereas my own children were only 13 & 14.

My nanna was a grandma at 43 and my own mum became a grandma at 49

Not sure if you have a good reading comprehension, I thought middle class people were suppose to be educated, my mistake. I said it increases the chances of risk. And yes I know what I’m talking about, as someone that has two degrees in health related subjects. See, there are some people that do get out the housing estate and go to uni.

Your point is what? It’s a bitchy thing to say.

That’s a matter of opinion. So calling someone a bitch isn’t sticking the boot in?

They wouldn’t care if you asked. That’s the difference between people in their 30s and people in late 40s, who are old enough to be grandparents.

Mumsnet really is like a parallel universe sometimes.

I became a grandmother in my early 40s and I'm from a very respectable background thank you very much

A child at 18 is different to a grandchild at 49. A grandchild at 49 would suggest having a child around 24/25 and them also having a child around 24/25. If you were chatting to a group of 25 year olds it would absolutely be ok to ask them if they had kids.

My mum became a grandparent at 49 and thought this was late, most of her friends had grandchildren already.

Most of my friends parents had them in their very early 20s, most people I know now with young kids had them in their mid 20s.

I’m sure it varies depending on where people are from though.

But teen pregnancy and having children in your 20s are two different things. I’m not talking about teen pregnancy, never mentioned teen pregnancy. I don’t recall any comments about teen pregnancy either. The comments were about women in their 20s having children.