To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

@sesquipedalian my mum warned me to not make her a grandmother until she was at least sixty 😅 (she had me at 29 so it was fine)

Stop being so easily offended.

I think this must be quite area dependent. At 49 I'll have a 13 year old and I was the youngest mum in my NCT group.

I'm stunned that people think it would be normal for someone in their 40s too have grandchildren. It's really showing what kind of background you come from if that's normal. 😂

Well it obviously is by these comments 🤣🤣she’s 1 year away from 50, so she’s hardly of child bearing age, so yes it’s very common for people who are 49/50 to be a grandmother.

I’m in my 40s, some of my school year group are grandmothers (the ones who were younger mothers, I attended a convent school for girls and teenage pregnancy rate was ridiculous). I have young DC not even at school yet.
I don’t think it’s the equivalent of asking if a woman is pregnant, but I do think it’s a tactless question and I wouldn’t ask it.

Of course I know I'm old enough to have grandchildren - I said that in the OP. But I don't think it's that common these days and certainly not the norm, and most definitely not the norm in our workplace. As for saying she was making conversation - we were conversing quite happily and it actually came as a bit of a non sequitur. As a PP said, a more natural question to get to know me/keep the conversation going, would have been about my dc and their ages/what they're doing etc. Not leaping straight to grandchildren!

Yes, she is quite a bit younger than me - probably early 30s and her dc are in nursery/infants.

One of DDs friends was an uncle at age 10ish. His mum is the same age as me - she was a grandma at 40, while another classmate was having her first baby.

While it isn't impossible, I don't feel that I am old enough to be a grandma (46). I would be a bit offended if an adult asked me if I have grandchildren. I am a teacher - I learned long ago not to get offended by anything children innocently ask.

That said, I remember (as a teen) asking my dentist if the picture on his shelf was of his grandchildren. They were of his children. He only retired a couple of years ago, so he was probably in his 30's! 🤦‍♀️

What a classist comment. Because of course all women who had their kids in their 20s are from the lower class.

I would have felt obliged to point out that anything 58 and up was fair!

I wouldn’t ask someone if they had grandchildren for the same reason I wouldn’t ask someone if they had children. I know it’s a common topic of conversation but speaking from experience, I found it difficult whenever someone asked me if I had children after having numerous miscarriages. My mum would have been sad if someone had asked her about grandchildren before our rainbow babies arrived.

OP, I don’t think she was being snide.

I'm in my late 40s and I'd be horrified if anyone assumed me to be a grandmother! My daughter is only 16!

I know very few women who became grandparents in their 40s - very unusual in this day and age.

Stunned? Do get over yourself dear.

Probably. It's common where I live to start having children at 17/18/19 and have 4-6 children in total, often with big age gaps. I'm 43 and lots of the girls I went to school with have grandchildren. But lots have toddlers and a few have both!

I had a 28 year old son when I was 49 and could easily have been a granny.

My husbands mum and his ex were both grandma's at 41@

It really isn't unless your from a rough area!

I had someone ask my if my baby was my first and I didn’t know how to answer that because of a miscarriage prior to DC.

I think people ask all sorts of things sometimes and it is ok to change the subject or be vague and excuse yourself.

Becoming a grandmother at 49 would be very unusual these days! I’m 42 and most of my friends are still popping out babies. Think there were 5 this year alone.

Horrified? What an odd reaction to a perfectly plausible situation. When I'm 49 my eldest will be 28

Oh dear. 😬 This forum is full of people who are in their 40s and 50s, and think they look 15 years younger! You may look fine @Liesmorelies but you do look your age ... Around 50. Everyone looks their age (within 4-5 years,) when you look at them properly. Many people of 49-50 are grandparents. It's not that offensive to ask if you are one!

Reminds me of a woman I know who is 39 and she has a boyfriend who is 23. She looks 40-42 and he looks 19. So he legit looks like her son. She was FUMING the other week when a new work colleague thought she was his mum! Well don't date someone who's 16 years younger (and looks 22 years younger) then!

Upshot is, she genuinely thought she looked like she was in her late 20s. She doesn't. She looks early 40s.

People are deluded about what age they look. Loads of people think they look way younger than they do!

As a pp said, it is NOT unusual at all for someone of 49 to have grandchildren. Far rarer for someone to become a first time parent at 45 like some Mumsnetters would have you believe!

.

My mom was 40 when I had my baby! I don’t think 49 is an unusual age at all, I’d say it’s around average?

I'd think it was pretty rude!

I'm 43 and have DC who is 4. The thought that someone might mistake me for her gran is 😳